Truth And Love After 40

Let's catch up.......

2011-02-14T13:23:00.000-08:00

OK, I am sorry, I suck at keeping up on the blog OK? Actually, you know what it is? I realized finally that I don't like blogging about Lorrie and I anymore. It feels too much like kissing and telling or something like that, LOL. Oh we kiss still, lots and lots, and we don't wait months to see each other, although sometimes we do have to wait a few days here and there, and I can tell you all that the two of us are more in love since I moved here than either one of us thought was possible and we used to think the possibilities were enormous. I will tell you it is so damn much fun doing anything and everything together, and it is equally fun when we do absolutely nothing together too. And I suspect when Lorrie is chasing me around the yard with her cane at 85 it will still be fun!!!! I suspect maybe I should get over blogging about Lorrie and I. She'll let me know if she doesn't like something, and I can apologize then...... or she can just delete it if she doesn't like it, LOL. We just wanted to help other women like us when we started it, we can't help if we don't share the things that we have gone through. You just won't get so many kissing blogs maybe?

Lorrie took me to New York this last weekend for Valentines Day. We went to see Melissa Ferrick in concert at the City Winery, she was wonderful, so was Melissa Ferrick, lol. It was the first time we stayed in a hotel since I moved here. It was fun, not at all stressful nor bittersweet like it was for so many years......

Lorrie held my hand as we walked all over the city....... I think that was my favorite part. I haven't told her that, but it was. Once upon a time it worried her to hold my hand in public, people might see, people might think things, people might care. In our travels around the city I don't think it occurred to her someone might care, I don't think she cared anymore if they did care...... We have come so far together, I can't wait to keep going further together. Always holding hands as we help each other along this path called living a life.

I am going to try to stay true to reaching out to women who came out or are coming out later in life, letting them know it's an odd little road full of twists and turns and even falls but that it's worth it, its so worth it. Even if you never find your soul mate or true love, there is something amazing and wonderful about just living an authentic life that brings its own joy. And of course, I am going to offer up my own insights into life, love and the political arena here and there, because I just can't keep my mouth shut sometimes. And I keep on thinking of stuff, like what I really have been wanting to talk about, even if it isn't what you really wanted to read.

Can I ask you all a question for a possible future post? Can a belief bear fruit at all? Either good or bad? Are beliefs a fruit of the Spirit? And if one was to look at some of our own beliefs and realized they bore fetid fruit, can we discard them and replace them with beliefs that bear good fruit? I have the opinion that beliefs do bear fruit, both good and bad. I have the opinion that this country (and ourselves) need to take a good hard look at some of it's beliefs that are bearing a lot of fetid, rancid, sickly fruit. Not all of them are about the gay community, but I will certainly focus on those more than the others.

Melissa Ferrick:

Happy Thanksgiving, Thank God for being gay!!!

2010-11-24T14:28:00.000-08:00

Thank God I am gay!!!! If I were not, I would not have met and fallen in love with Lorrie. It's a big reason to be thankful, but it sure isn't the only one. I simply am thankful, because now that I have accepted it, I am finally whole. I finally am able to love, not just Lorrie, but my boys, and my friends. I am also thankful to belong to a truly gifted set of people. We make up a full third of all writers, more than 25% of all musicians and artists. We are entrepreneurs, adventurers and ground breakers, news makers and news reporters. I am thankful that there are other gays who are out there making the world more interesting and exciting if not just plain better for all.

Now while I myself am not much of a business person, nor would I be called artistic, I sure love to write. Would I still, if I were not gay? I don't know. How can I know? I can't, none of us can. Because I can't separate out any part of me without losing the whole of me. I can't stop being gay. If I couldn't when I was in denial, how can I do it now? If when I was in denial, I was still gay, though I didn't act upon it, then how can I stop now? I was created gay. No human caused me to be gay, no human forced it upon me, nothing that happened to me in my life made me gay. More happened in my life to have guaranteed that I was straight, but I didn't. All of society told me growing up there was only one way to be, and that was straight, get married to a nice boy, have children, all else was wrong. But what was wrong, was that believing misconceptions made me deny it in myself. Had I never been lead out of those misconceptions by "that still small voice" and I was still denying my gayness, I would still be gay. My wishing it away, my praying and fasting it away, my hoping it away did not change it. What changed instead was my whole belief system, in a flash, in an epiphany, so to speak. No, I don't forget that the still small voice had been speaking for 30 years, lol, see, I am thick headed sometimes.......but still, that moment, when finally I quit believing what "man" said was true about me, the moment I began to believe what God was telling me about myself, was the moment I began to live as a human, and not a shadow, not a liar, not a secret, not in a closet, but as a human, out in the open, among other humans. The truth set me free. And for that, I am eternally thankful.

Um, Rebecca, are you outta your mind? Let's see, the FBI just announced that gays are the most victimized of all minority persons. There are organizations who's sole purpose is to see that our love is re-criminalized. They nearly succeeded in Uganda after holding a summit there, thank God that proposal was finally withdrawn after international backlash threatened their ties to the rest of the world. The military says that we can only serve if we are really, really good at covering up our personal lives and lying about it when asked, and if we ask our friends and lovers to lie for us. The Feds say they won't recognize our marriages, even if the state we live in does. We are called all sorts of unsavory names, accused of many crimes against nature and children and politicians worry that if they vote for our civil rights they will lose elections, and and and and......I am thankful that there are those who don't believe the lies, I am thankful that there are those who are openly gay and are mayors, state legislators and US Congressmen. I am thankful they didn't believe the lies and had the courage to run for office, even the one's who didn't win.

You know what? Some of the best people I know of are out there fighting, day and night for our government to finally acknowledge that we are indeed included as "All men" when the Declaration of Independence says: "We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness." I am thankful for the portion of the Fourteenth Amendment to the U.S. Constitution that prohibits discrimination by state government institutions. The clause grants all people "equal protection of the laws," which means that the states must apply the law equally and cannot give preference to one person or class of persons over another. I am thankful that it is there, because soon, the courts are going to have to realize that it already applies to us.

I am thankful because we already have the rights, we are already equal. In the same way I was still gay, even when I denied it to myself and others around me, in the same way that Blacks were equal, even before the courts and then the people said they were, in that same way, we have the rights and we are equal, and someday, the courts, and then the people will realize it, because of the tireless work of our advocates, our straight allies, those online and offline, and the work we do in ourselves. For them, for us, I am most thankful this Thanksgiving.

Thank you Jude, Jay, Autumn, Lt. Dan Choi, thank you Equality PA, The New Civil Rights Movement and David Badash, thank you Pam. Thank you Wendy, and all the others out there who I am just not thinking of right now, who make our voices heard, when we ourselves cannot always speak. Happy Thanksgiving.

The Philadelphia Story........

2010-07-12T07:28:00.000-07:00

I think we should let you know, I live in Pennsylvania. Just outside of Philly.

How easy and simple that sounds now. How wonderful and exciting it is to finally be here, to have a place, at last, at long last, to call my home. We made it, Lorrie and I made it and we did it together. It is still sinking in, but I am here with my lady love and it is more amazing than either one of us thought it would be.

I have a Pennsylvania drivers license, I am registered to vote, have a good job and am more in love with Lorrie than I thought possible, because I thought I was already as in love with her as much as was humanly possible.

I have been here 5 weeks now. (She's on a business trip right now, so I have a little time to write, lolololol........ Lorrie said I should let you know that we have been having too much sex to write anything before now ;-)

This last year has sure seen a lot of changes for both of us, Lorrie finally decided to get a divorce this winter, and no, not because I was moving here, lol. She just had enough, it was that simple, enough of it all. At first, when she told me, I was sorry that they couldn't stick it out and just co parent. But well, now, I am really glad, lol. And that is all I will say about that :)

Just so I come back and write again, I am going to leave off there for now, I gotta tell you about Leaving Reno, lol. It was an adventure if nothing else! I hope you are all doing well, I miss the blogosphere, but I think last year it was better that we didn't write so much, it was a bit stressful for both of us, but now, no stress, only joy!

Happy Valentine's Day

2010-02-14T03:15:00.000-08:00

Happy Valentine's Day my darling, my love. Every day for the last three and a half years, our love has only grown. You have filled my days and nights with immeasurable joy and a love so deep that I am often at a loss for words to describe it and can only hope I can show it in every thing I do and in the way I look at you. The thought of you leaves me breathless, the sight of you leaves me weak and your touch sends my soul soaring to heights I only imagined before. I know this will be our last Valentine's Day apart my love, and I look forward to being your Valentine every day, for the rest of our lives.
I love you Lorrie, beyond beyondly. Yes, I just love you.

The Facebook Post

2010-01-11T23:20:00.000-08:00

My introduction to Facebook began last June. The original intention was to use it to promote the blogs, to write for LGBT rights and pretty much keep it otherwise impersonal. But as sometimes happens in life, it has shifted into something quite extraordinary and very, very personal. I want to share some of the things Facebook has taught me, and I also want to assure my friends there that they are not at all considered fodder for this blog.

At first I joined up with people I met through this and other blogs, and they still a part of my Facebook. There is Pam, Ceara, Jude, Jay, Mj (Judy), Monica, and others. About 60 all together. Within two weeks some of my high school friends found me as well.. They are Robbie, Tammy, Laura, Gail, Susan and Kim, I have known them all between 35 and 25 years. It was great to catch up a little bit with them and see where each of us are now.

I also met a few new LGBT friends through the networked blogs and groups I joined. I would check in every now and then, put up links to stories, read what they had to say, make some comments and log off. That was Facebook for me the first month. Early in July things began to shift.

The shift started after Ceara invited me to join her "family" in Mafia Wars. A social game with terrible graphics and to many things you have to click. I accepted. I would still just check in now and then, but now would play a little bit of Mafia Wars and then log off. I had a few other friends that were playing with us but nothing major, about 8 people all together. I will be honest, I thought it was silly and boring but somehow felt like I should because I did sign on after all. After nearly a month I started getting friend request from people that said they wanted to only play Mafia Wars. I figured what the heck? Yeah!! A new audience for the blog! Within a week I had 200 of these new friends and they started explaining the game to me and pointing out that it really was only fun if you played with a lot of people. They started suggesting me to their friends and before I knew it, I had nearly 1000 "friends" on Facebook.

I didn't realize that having 900 crazed Mafia Wars addicts as friends would start to cause problems with the friends I originally started out with. A big part of the game is knowing how and when to help your "famiglia" This requires everyone to send up feed posts that tell everyone else what is needed. Things like, "war declared" "join my mafia" "help me with a job" and other bits of info, literally hundreds of little annoying posts that drive even the players crazy. It is unbearable for those who do not play.

I apologize to each and every one of my non-Mafia Wars playing friends on Facebook for that period of time. I finally learned how to change my settings a full two months after I started playing.

So OK, what does this have to do with anything that I play Mafia Wars?? The reason I wanted to blog about this is because the truth is, playing Mafia Wars not only changed the way I use Facebook, it changed the way I view the whole world and the way I view what is necessary in our fight for human rights.

I am serious, no joke. Part of the sheer beauty of something like Facebook is that it has no borders at all. Anyone, anywhere in the world can sign up as long as they have either a computer or smart device that has internet capabilities. Because of Mafia Wars I now have friends from every State in the US and nearly every country in the world. From Argentina to Zimbabwe. I have friends from every walk of life, every religion and no religion, every social standing, nearly every economic level, some who have strong political opinions and some with no interest in politics at all.

I have men, women, teens and children who are in my mafia famiglia. I have gays, lesbians, one transgender (that I know for sure), bi-sexual's and yes, even straights in my mafia. I had over 2000 at one time but cleaned out those that had signed up and disappeared. It is now 1300 strong and I have become fond of each and every one of them. I have made good friends with about 300 or more and a big handful that are extra special to me.

So how has this changed how I look at advocating for our rights? I don't know that I can put it into exact words, but let me start by saying that I have had exactly one person be bothered by the fact that I am a lesbian or follow the issues or even advocate for our rights. And she was really only worried about my salvation, and after several conversations about that and me telling her my story and my change from worshiping a book to worshiping God, we are still friends but she no longer writes to me expressing her fear that I am going to hell. While she has never told me she changed her mind, I guess it made her think a little and I can't ask for anything more than that. Besides, now she knows she knows a gay person, even if it is only online.

On the other hand, I have had quite a few, and a lot from Muslim countries, who have messaged me that in their countries the gays are killed or castrated or imprisoned and they feel that those policies are wrong. A few have even written to say that they have come to see us in a different light since "meeting" me. I am touched that they let me know. It is OK that it is a private thing between us, because many of these people would face serious consequences if it were made public. They know I am a lesbian because of the groups they see me join, comments I leave, and especially this blog. While they haven't all started following us, more than I ever thought have stopped by to read it, and they have messaged me to let me know what they think. So far it has all been positive. I think that is in large part because they see me as a friend too and want to understand me as a human in that context.

I also learned some of the advocates, however, cared a lot that I played Mafia Wars. And it wasn't just that they didn't want to see the posts clogging up their feeds. It was that it was frivolous, not serious stuff for an advocate to be up to. It seemed that all I was doing was playing Mafia Wars, not even blogging anymore.
They are right of course, I wasn't hurt by this attitude. I was and still am playing a lot. You, my readers knew for sure I wasn't blogging. I knew for sure I wasn't blogging. Understand that I'm not judging them for that attitude at all. It is necessary that important issues be treated seriously and that the bearer of those messages be taken seriously.

What I started to see, however, is that it is just as important that our audience is not just those who already agree with us. And the approach we take with them has to be a different one. We can't just preach to the choir anymore, we need to find common ground with all humans and we can't just preach to them either. We need to get better at just making friends first.

What I realized for me though was, that had I remained "serious" on Facebook, I wouldn't have the friends I have now, and they wouldn't have had the opportunity to have me as a friend either. It wasn't my intention at all when I started playing this game, nor when I started joining their conversations and becoming friends. And that is why it is so extraordinary. Many of us are real friends now, and we communicate with each other about all kinds of things. We also care about each others lives. I have gotten into some discussions that go from Breast Cancer awareness and the color of our bras to the success and failures of the women's movement around the world. Discussions about what is going on in Uganda with the gays, how stupid for the military Don't Ask Don't Tell is, to a friend of mine who is a lesbian that was surprised when I said I was blessed to be one. She didn't feel blessed nor knew any one of her friends who felt that way. I hope that chat we had begins to change her view too. We also talk about each others kids, grand kids, spouses and "significant others." Not to mention dogs, cats, vacations, schools, new cars, divorces and even marriages.

The thing is, I do care about them and we share interest on issues such as child abuse, animal cruelty, abuse of women, crime, poverty, heath care because these are universal issues, the funny thing is, because they are my friends, if they didn't care before, they have come to care about the things that are supposedly "our" issues, seeing it as "their" issue too. They care that we are not always treated equally, they do care that American religious leaders went to Uganda last Spring and the result of that visit is proposed legislation that makes Fred Phelps proud. They care because they care about me. I am not saying they all care, but some now do who didn't before. Maybe for the first time ever they know someone who is gay. Maybe that makes all the difference in the world. Maybe that is when true equality begins, when we can say to those who are different, "you are my friend."

Oh, that picture? That picture is how my friends and famiglia on Facebook visualize me. Those Mafia Wars playing friends of mine dubbed me "Lady Love," and it has stuck. My Godmother, Kafe, created this graphic for me, she said it fit my personality, LOL. I love my new name and the image it evokes. I love that my friends have taught me to be a pretty good player and have also opened my eyes to the world and changed my image of it.

Merry Christmas!

2009-12-24T19:27:00.000-08:00

From Lorrie and I, to all of you, Merry Christmas and the most wonderful of New Years!
I hope you each get everything you want and need this year. I know I will on the first, when Darling Lorrie is here for 5 days.
Take care of yourselves and the ones you love because that is the best we can ever do.
Again, we wish an amazing and Merry Christmas to all!!!

Simply Live........

2009-12-12T20:22:00.000-08:00

''Laugh when you can, apologize when you should, and let go of what you can't change. Kiss slowly, play hard, forgive quickly, and take chances, give everything and have no regrets. Life's too short to be anything…but happy.''

Messy Closets....

2009-12-04T14:05:00.000-08:00

Being in the closet is messy. It's hard to keep track of things and to know where you have placed things. Important things too, like love, feelings, friendship and honesty. Again, it is just what Barney Frank said "the effort required to live a clandestine emotional/sexual life involves an all-consuming strangulation of one’s fundamental identity....It leads to cracked judgments—particularly those involving people—since one’s ability to see others clearly is spavined by emotional chaos in order to successfully live the lie."

I personally know 5 married women in real life who are lesbians and are still in the closet in varying degrees. Still married to their husbands, usually because kids are involved. One is childless but prefers her social standing within the straight world. Each is holding out as long as they can, but even with those whose husbands know it is still messy. I am in love with just such a woman. Some husbands know and accept it because of the children, some know and don't accept it and are making their wives and themselves miserable until she finally decides to leave. The children in the end aren't happy either. The parents are not giving a very good example of love to them. The tensions are still felt by the kids no matter how hard you try not to let them.

She will leave eventually, oh yes, she will. Just how much damage is done by that leaving is up to the husband and even the wife. Maybe you can think of it this way: The Soviet Union manged to keep their unarmed populace under control by fear and intimidation for 60 years. Then the people simply said "we've had enough". The Soviet Union had guns and laws and nuclear weapons. The people did not. The unarmed people who decided they had enough brought the Soviet Union down. The nuclear arsenal of the United States did not. Fear gets tiresome after a while, you can get so tired of being afraid that even nuclear weapons wont keep you where you don't want to be. Again, there are some husbands who do not know, nor should they ever. They are abusive enough already. And then there are some women who know they are lesbians but haven't acted on it and are waiting until the children are grown, or until they meet the right woman. Some women have lovers and get together with their girlfriends when they can but don't plan on leaving their husbands, ever.

I know probably 30 more through this blog who have emailed me or left comments, they are all lesbians but each is in a different stage in dealing with it. Some are out, some are out and divorced, some still married and some are still married but haven't acted on their feelings. I know of one who has simply fallen in love with a woman. But does not identify as lesbian. Love comes in many forms. But it is no less love than what I feel for Lorrie, no less valid.

There are hundreds of blogs by women like us that I have visited at one time or another. The numbers are probably in the thousands though. I know of a few more who have joined the Late in Life Lesbians network. I have met 3 more on Twitter, on twitter I have also met a woman whose mother came out when she was still a child.   I personally know two men who are gay, who are married to women and are still in the closet. I know of one more with an interesting arrangement, the straight wife gets one million dollars if she stays with him until their child is grown so he can remain in his closet. All closets are emotionally expensive to be in. That one just happens to also be financially expensive, hopefully he keeps his bargain with her. Right now she is sticking to it, but the emotional cost, again, this is my opinion only, is hardly worth it. Most men don't want to date married women contrary to popular belief. Most men who will date married women are either married themselves or are just looking for a no strings attached arrangement. I have often thought how lonely that life is for the straight partner. How lonely it can be for the gay spouse as well.

From what I have read at the Straight Spouses Network, more women that are married to gay men know their husbands are gay than men know their wives are gay. It is my opinion though, that the only reason it is true is because we women can hide our emotions better and fake it much more easily than men. It is easy for us to have sex when we are not aroused, it is much, much harder for a man. I know a lot of us also worry that our husbands reactions will be very negative and possibly hurtful when they find out. Their desire to hurt as much as they have been hurt can often overrule their feelings to protect the children from harm by speaking out against their wives. One of the first things that the Straight Spouses Network tries to get across to the straight spouse is that speaking negatively about your gay spouse to your children, only hurts the children, and it will hurt their relationship with the child when they discover for themselves that all those those things they said about you are lies.

In the United States it is estimated that there are an equal number of gay men and women closeted as out. That is a number in the millions. Millions, not thousands. The percent of the population that is out, open and free, is approximately 4%. Approximately 12,000,000 people are out, approximately 12,000,000 are living "under cover" or "in the closet." The term for a woman married to a gay man is a beard. I don't know what the term for a man married to a lesbian is, chastity belt? mask? beardette? Does anyone know? A gay and lesbian married to each other to provide cover for both is called a lavender marriage.   You know if there is a term for it, then it is much more common than anyone wants to admit.

I can't really speak for the gay men in these situations, nor can I truly speak for the other women. I can only speak from my own experience and heart. I knew I was attracted to women from about age 6 or 7. I grew up in the 60's. I was indoctrinated to believe that a girl grew up, married a man and had children. You lived happily ever after and your husband was your prince charming and your children were wonderful and that life fulfilled every desire. Sex with your husband was to be amazing, or something you bared, depending on who was telling you about it. But either way, we were led to believe it was a man whom you would fall in love with. At least today with this subject openly talked about there will hopefully be fewer people living in messy closets in the near future.

Meredith Baxter Birney just came out, she pretty much said the same thing a lot of us have said. We don't always know because we didn't know that there could be another way. I knew, I knew there was another way, I was always an inquiring kid, I saw movies, I read books. I just didn't have the guts to live my life authentically. I misunderstood what God was trying to show me because my religion was all about the laws of an ancient theocracy and nothing about simply worshiping an amazing, creative, multi-faceted God.

I am reminded of when my mother-in-law was dying. She had been raised staunch Southern Baptist. After two years of painful cancer, on her death bed, she wrote a letter to her children. In it, she said something about that she had learned that God was not at all like we had been taught. To love God with all your heart is all that is necessary, and to love God means to love others, to treat others, as you wish to be treated, no matter how they treat you, this is all that is required. I wrote a multi-part piece about the process of my reconciling my religion with my gayness, but I really just needed to write this one thing: you have to come to reject religion as man defines what is true in order to understand your own self, I think this is true of all humans, not just the gay ones, the non gay ones just have an easier time of living with the man made rules. You have to listen to God for yourself. He shows us everyday the truth, we just need to pay attention.

Messy closets. That is all living in one brings. No room to breath, no room to grow. Staying in it you and those around you just end up stunted. The husband paying his wife one million dollars so he can remain in the closet is really fooling himself. He isn't able to enjoy his life anymore that the wife who has agreed to stay with him.   Fear keeps him in, fear keeps us all in. Fear of society's expectations, fear of what others will think, fear of being attacked for who you are, fear of our own feelings, fear of hurting the kids, fear. Fear. Fear. People, it is time to get sick and tired of fear.

What is it going to take to empty all the closets? People who know they know someone who is gay are about 80% in favor of our receiving full and equal treatment under the law. (We already are guaranteed those rights by the Constitution, we just aren't treated equally by those in power who are supposed to carry out those laws.) Everyone on earth knows someone who is gay, problem is, most of the people don't know they know because there are so many in the closet. It is just this simple. Until the closets are emptied and cleaned out, we are and always will be emotional cripples, liars and damaged as humans. We will continue to hurt those closest to us and we will never know all that life really has to offer.

Update: just ran across this article with insight from straight spouses and why they support our rights, from the Washington Post: http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2009/11/06/AR2009110602953.html

Brokeback Marriage

2009-12-01T16:39:00.000-08:00

Way to go Baby! You blogged!!!

I'm not going to be as good as you and actually write a blog but just attach a link to this article that I'm sure most of us can relate to from the Dec. issue of the Philadelphia magazine:

http://www.phillymag.com/articles/sex_brokeback_marriage/page1

Oh...and 31 Days from now I will be in Reno with My Baby!

OK, I think I just have to dive in and just write what I have thought about in the past few months!!!

2009-11-27T23:33:00.000-08:00

Hello again my friends!!! You know I have been having a hell of a time with writers block, and frankly I am tired of talking and thinking about it right now, so I guess I just need to just write my thoughts and we can all sort out any confusion in the comments section! I have missed you all terribly and have a few times tried to put something up, but every time my mind drew a blank and I would just turn off the computer and say I'll do it tomorrow. I think enough tomorrows have gone by don't you?

I think I want to start by saying I read a biography a couple of months ago called Barney Frank: The Story of America’s Only Left-Handed, Gay, Jewish Congressman by Stuart Weisberg. Weisberg writes that Frank “found Abraham Lincoln’s aphorism to be as relevant to an individual as to a country. ‘I could not live half slave and half free, privately free to be a gay man but publicly a slave to the prejudice that would not allow me to acknowledge it,’"

Now probably the most mind blowing thing that I read in this book was the following statement, because until we came out of the closet, (even if we aren't a public figure) we knew this is true, even if we didn't have the words to express it and it is why it is so very damn important that every closet be at long last emptied: Being in the closet is a culturally induced mental disease. For a public figure, the effort required to live a clandestine emotional/sexual life involves an all-consuming strangulation of one’s fundamental identity. It is psychologically, emotionally and mentally exhausting, all the more so if one is in a prominent political office, in which image is all-determinant. It leads to cracked judgments—particularly those involving people—since one’s ability to see others clearly is spavined by emotional chaos in order to successfully live the lie.

There is no way to be a complete, whole or especially not an authentic human being until we stop living the lie. No ifs, no buts about it.

With that in mind, I read this month's Advocate magazine, and the letter from the editor was about how he is a man, who just happens to be gay. It struck a chord with me, because really when I have to think of my identity for what ever reason, lesbian is not the first thing that comes to my mind. Honestly, Mom is. Then Lorrie's lover and then the rest of all the things that make up the sum of my parts. That wasn't true when I first came out, LESBIAN was who I WAS. And it felt like it was ALL I was. I think that coming to the realization that I am who I always have been but I just happen to be a lesbian was something that came with my finally knowing I am whole and complete as a woman.

At the same time me being a lesbian does influence the whole of me in a large way. It just isn't all I am. It isn't all any of us are. I am finally comfortable with who I am, finally comfortable in the knowledge that I am also a lesbian. Comfortable in my own skin, warts, bumps and all. Well, OK, some of those warts gotta go though. And the bumps need to get smaller, or at least firmer!!

Let's see, probably the most pressing news you all want is to know is that I will be moving to the Philadelphia area next summer, come hell or high water. Lorrie and I have absolutely had it with the long distance crap!!!
I will graduate next Spring! I CAN'T WAIT!!!! It has been over three years now, three years of longing and patience and frustration and emails and phone calls and of course the best of all times every three months when we can get together but enough is enough already! :D

So, I already told you I quit my job, OK, you know that. I don't have a part time job as planned but my former husband is living with us again because of the accident he was in a couple of months ago, so he is helping with the expenses and I help take care of him. It hasn't been all that bad at all, he and the boys are spending a lot of time talking together and watching movies and he and I get along, we have of course, since he realized that I had to be who I am and that it wasn't his fault, lol. His sobering up last winter has been the biggest part of letting things get right in the end.

And now for your Christmas and everyday shopping pleasure: my last post was about Jay's "Everyone's a freak to someone"....well, I haven't been totally MIA, because I helped him set up a Cafe Press store to sell some items with his catch phrase on them :) Here is the link to it, and let us know if there is something you think we should add to the line up, I mean if you are going to buy it and all! He he he he. http://www.cafepress.com/everyonesafreak Come on over and get your freak on!!!

OK, that wasn't so hard after all :) and I was going to talk about Facebook, LOL but I think that is going to have to be another post, all to itself!

Take care everyone, I do hope you had a great Thanksgiving if you live in the U.S. and a great weekend for everyone in the whole world!

Everyone's a freak to someone, National Coming Out Day, and other thoughts.

2009-10-11T21:11:00.000-07:00

Today is National Coming Out Day! It is also, I just realized, the One Year Anniversary of this blog! I cannot believe it has been a whole year.

The past two months have been very topsy turvey around here. Things are beginning to settle down and you all should be able to receive much more frequent updates to this blog. It is after all dedicated to those of us who come out later on in life, many of us having lived in the closet for years, many have married and also have children. We know that our experiences are different from perhaps someone who came out at a younger age, or never married. I sure hope to get this back on track as a forum to help each other get through it as best we can.

I know you may be looking at that interesting graphic there about freaks, and maybe even thinking "Rebecca, I am sooooo not a freak!!" LMAO. That's funny, my first thought was HELL YES!!! We all have SOMETHING about us that would seem absolutely freaky to at least one other person on this earth. Even if it is as simple as eating fried bologna (love it, personally). Now I know I have some other freaky habits (so not sharing those), Lorrie might even know of a couple that I don't even realize she thinks are freaky. Anyway, Jay, over at the ever fabulous, always entertaining and sometimes too thought provoking Jaysays.com, had a post up that if you wrote your freaky thing to him, he would send you a bumpersticker of the graphic above. I have one, he actually generously sent two, one of which was claimed by one of Kevin's buddies. He spoke first, he got it, I wasn't giving up mine, NO WAY! From the reaction I got from Kevin's friends, I think he is really on to something there. It sure makes you think while you are laughing to yourself!

OK, so back to National Coming Out Day.....it was also the National Equality March in Washington D.C. From the time I saw a post about this through "Join the Impact" I really wanted to go. I couldn't, I knew I had school, my job wouldn't let me have the days off, I didn't know until last week that I was quitting my job though........LOL. Yeah, in this economy. A lot of stress lately has been coming from my job, my new supervisor decided that school was not important to me and decided that I should now work 10-12 hours a day and every Saturday. I don't think she realized I am on a time table to finish in May, July at the latest........I have a country to move across damn it!!! Sorry, but the job lost. I can make it finding a part time job, and that shouldn't be too hard as Christmas season is closing in on us.

OOPS! I got off track, (hate when I ramble) I was talking about the National Equality March in Washington D.C. There are some great stories on it, and was much more successful than most media and politicians thought it would be, and even more successful than even the organizers may have imagined. Here are some links to several news stories and the Google of the events:

Leah McElrath Renna from the Huffington Post

Towleroad

LGBT Q News

National Equality March Web Site Slideshow

Goombah's Rainbow

Google Search

Take care all and keep coming out of those prisons AKA "The Closet"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Fall is Here

2009-09-23T19:28:00.000-07:00

Wow, it’s been a long time! I feel like I have been on the roller coaster called life and sitting in the front seat for the last two months. Actually for one fun filled night with my daughter this is exactly what we did; went to a local amusement park and rode all the rollercoasters in the front seat. It took me so long to comb my hair the next day that I contemplated just cutting it, lol (Don’t worry Baby I won’t!).

I started my ride with my trip out to Reno to see my love! (We have blogged about this before so you can read about it in the archives if you want.) I was home for about a week and a half; and the time immediately after coming home from a visit with Rebecca is always so hard, missing her so much; so maybe it was good that I hopped back on a plane and flew to Vegas with one of my good friends for a 4 day visit to Sin City. As visits to Vegas go, I’m sure this one would be considered saintly, lol…we walked, shopped, went to shows, toured the Red Rock Canyon, ate a lot and drank a little (unless you count the daiquiri I had in the Eiffel tower replica!). After 3 days, I had had enough of Vegas.

I got back to my regular Mom duties and job duties for a few weeks. Did the normal back to school shopping with the kids, too many times; wouldn’t it be nice if you could just go back to school shopping once, but I guess that’s not possible when you have a teenage daughter! Luckily, the teenage daughter now has a job so I set a spending limit and she was responsible for anything over that. Took a day or two off to do some end of summer fun things with the kids, riding go karts and going to an amusement park.
I had to come back and edit this in because I just realized I never blogged about it. The end of August I came out to my 15 year old daughter! It turns out that she knew for a while; we had a good conversation about it and a couple since then. If anything, I think she is closer to me now than ever. It is such a wonderful thing to not hold this secret from her anymore!
Then it was back to school time.

But my summer of moving around wasn’t quite over yet. I had an “exciting” pharmaceutical meeting to attend in Boston the second week of September. LOL, it was actually fun except for the meetings! I had a good time going out to eat with the two coworkers I went with; they were pretty fun even if they were men, lol. We even went to a Red Sox game; my first time at Fenway Park.

The last few days of my summer were spent in the Outer Banks attending my nephews wedding. He was married on the sand dunes of Corolla. It was a beautiful ceremony and I am so glad I made the trip. The kids and I stayed a few days after and went to the beach, biked, played tennis (or tried), played racquetball (again tried) and did a lot of relaxing and too much eating.

So now I am home again. It was a very active summer. The fall season is here. My life will be a little tamer for awhile…or at least I hope so..I’m a little tired.

But…you know….a chance to spend some time with Rebecca would get me right back on a plane again. But in the meantime, hopefully I will have more time to blog.

It sure is quiet over here........Where the hell is she?

2009-09-19T13:07:00.000-07:00

Hey folks, I need to apologize for not writing, or even not writing to tell you why I am not writing! There are a few reasons, but the number one reason has been pretty simple, I don't have any story ideas........lol. Gone, blank, zero, zilch and nada! I know there is tons to write about, but it isn't flowing right now. I had this problem before and know that once the dam breaks I won't be able to stop, and will write drafts to post later so I don't do 10 in one day, LOL.

Another reason has been other things popping up, like school starting again, but I have the same blockages there as I do here this semester and that is really not good.

Also the boys dad was in a head on collision three weeks ago, it was very much touch and go for about a week until he had another one of his miraculous recoveries. He is home (in California) now, and doing well. He broke his sternum and several vertebrae so will be wearing a shell for many months. The accident inflamed his chronic pulmonary edema, and that was what made it touch and go. It subsided finally and they put a pacemaker in on Monday. He is feeling good and has a positive outlook. The boys are delighted he is doing so well and we will be driving to California tomorrow so they can visit with him.

Well, before I disappear again, I want to let you all know about a blog that was brought to my attention via Twitter. It is called: D.M. SOLIS, AUTHOR'S FORMAL BLOG. D.M is a freelance columnist, poet and fiction writer, she blogs about creativity, social justice and relationships. She writes poetry and lyrics as well. I have really been enjoying reading all of her posts. Especially the post entitled "How Do We Find Our Life's Passions?" While I wait for my creative dam to burst, or Lorrie to post something, I know you will enjoy reading hers!

Changing Focus

2009-08-31T03:11:00.000-07:00

"All my life I had been looking for something, and everywhere I turned, someone tried to tell me what it was. I accepted their answers too, though they were often in contradiction and even self-contradictory. I was naïve. I was looking for myself and asking everyone except myself questions which I, and only I, could answer. It took me a long time and much painful boomeranging of my expectations to achieve a realization everyone else appears to have been born with: that I am nobody but myself." ~ Ralph Ellison

Like Mr. Ellison, I too was late coming to this realization. But thank God I did!!!
It seems as if most of what I hear and stumble upon reading these days is something along these lines or it points to the profound impact our experiences of just who we are, can have on others around us. Yes, no matter what others say, no matter what others believe about us, it is our own lives that speak the loudest truth. Our living authentically is our best defense.

I want to spend some more time speaking these truths. I am not talking about the film clips of the families together or years long relationships. Though those have their place. I am talking about our own knowledge that we are gay. Not confused, not questioning, but simply gay. No book, no opinion, no faked out, trumped up studies can change the truth of our own lives and inner knowledge of this.

Also, I have decided not to continue with the original track of Blogging for Truth because what the Anti Gay Industry says about us is not valid, but what we have to say about who we are is. And it is more powerful than their biggest lies.

All religions tell us to think on those things that are good and pure and wise. Hundreds of self help gurus promise riches and happiness if you just imagine the things you want. While some of them go a bit far with the imagining, there is, I believe a universal truth at work in all of these beliefs. If we focus our attention on attaining that we expect, then we act in ways that will achieve the things we expect. While bad things happen to everyone in life, studies do show optimists tend to have good things happen to them more often than not, and pessimists more frequently have negative things happen. We tend to get what we expect, not always what we want.

With that, and because things are still rolling around in the ole brain, I will leave you with one last quote to arm yourself with when the nay sayers are harping at or even in your head:

"Rabbi Zusya said that on the Day of Judgment, God would ask him, not why he had not been Moses, but why he had not been Zusya." ~Walter Kaufmann

A Sharing Moment!

2009-08-26T04:43:00.000-07:00

This morning I received these lovely flowers from My Love just because!!! What a wonderful way to start my day!

Sorry girls, she is ALL MINE, lol........

An artist Scott Terry, and his Prop 8 Sculpture

2009-08-23T01:37:00.000-07:00

"Art is not made to decorate apartments. It's an offensive and defensive weapon against the enemy." - Pablo Picasso

Quite a few weeks ago, I was introduced to a freelance writer and artist on Twitter, named Scott Terry. He paints watercolors of American pastoral scenes. I am not an art critic, but I find his work beautiful and inspired. I grew up in the farm country of California and his works invoke the peace and beauty that is often overlooked in the rural areas of that state. Scott is an artist first and formost, not an activist, but he was offended by the words of hate used by those supporting Prop H8 in that state. After it passed he was inspired to create a sculpture that he ultimately called "Words of the Stiffnecked People" from Exodus 32:9 (And the LORD said unto Moses, I have seen this people, and, behold, it is a stiffnecked people)
Scott describes his piece on his website:

This piece is comprised of 250 wooden blocks, some wrapped with Yes on 8 propaganda and others wrapped in biblical text. They are arranged in a chronological and topographical order, beginning with a miniature Bible in the center and yellow blocks rising out of the chaos and winding their way through a sea of scripture.

I took the words of the fundamentalists and re-printed them on Yes on 8 yard signs and bumper stickers. I gathered the quotes, statistics, history, and headlines and re-arranged them on yellow and blue Protect Marriage material...and then wrapped the remaining blocks with selected pages torn from the Bible and Book of Mormon.

The sculpture is receiving quite a bit of attention since it was first exhibited at the Sacramento Gay Pride event on June 20th, courtesy of the YesOnGayMarriage organization.

It is headed to the California State Employee's convention in Los Angeles over Labor Day, courtesy of the SEIU Human and Civil Rights committee. It's worth heading over to Scott's site and checking out the pictures of the sculpture and the poster made to go along with it if you can't make the event in LA:

On Facebook......LOL

2009-08-16T15:09:00.000-07:00

So, I signed up for Facebook a while back, you know, just to promote the blogs, but I have gotten some big surprises out of it. I am reconnecting with a number of old friends. Jr. High and High School friends actually. One of the friends you can meet on Late in Life Lesbians, that's Robbie, we went to High School together and always had a lot in common, just how much in common, I never knew, LMAO! Others I have not seen in 20 + years and it is fun getting to know them again.
I am going to pimp one of them, because she has a business now. Tammy and I go way back to Jr. High School and was my very bestest friend until I moved away the year before graduation. Turns out she makes wire jewelry and is pretty good at it too, and her prices are way too low! Check it out at Spirals and Spice
OK, I am not going to make a habit of pimping other people's businesses, so don't ask......
Anyway, I am gearing up to start classes again in a week! I have five this time, each semester before I have limited myself to four because I work full time too......we shall see how it works, but I am impatient to get moving on with a whole new career and life! I think Lorrie is impatient too......LOL

Seeing Clearly Now......

2009-08-08T14:30:00.000-07:00

I guess I should start off by saying that Lorrie and I are NOT breaking up! We have definitely resolved some of the issues that had come up between us with me moving there and what each of us expects when that happens. I know that we won't make the same mistake again of not talking about the things that worry us. Obviously Don't Ask, Don't Tell does not work at all in any situation....that policy is over now in our relationship forever!

For now anyway, Lor said she wanted a break from the blog, but she should still be lurking around the Late In Life Lesbians Network, LOL.

I love this song, and Lorrie mentioned this morning that it was going through her head, lol, thought I would share it with all of you because you have all been so patient of late:

Can All The Anti-Gay Industry Just Go Away Now?

2009-08-06T02:15:00.001-07:00

In other words........stop misleading people, stop lying to them, stop the hate AND STOP KICKING YOUR KIDS OUT OF THE HOUSE and/or shipping them to these houses of horror and let them become truly who they were created to be as human beings!

August 5, 2009 -

APA PRESS RELEASE

August 5, 2009
Contact: Kim Mills
(202) 336-6048 until Aug. 5
(416) 585-3800 – Aug. 5-9

INSUFFICIENT EVIDENCE THAT SEXUAL ORIENTATION CHANGE EFFORTS WORK, SAYS APA

Practitioners Should Avoid Telling Clients They Can Change from Gay to Straight

TORONTO—The American Psychological Association adopted a resolution Wednesday stating that mental health professionals should avoid telling clients that they can change their sexual orientation through therapy or other treatments.

The "Resolution on Appropriate Affirmative Responses to Sexual Orientation Distress and Change Efforts" also advises that parents, guardians, young people and their families avoid sexual orientation treatments that portray homosexuality as a mental illness or developmental disorder and instead seek psychotherapy, social support and educational services "that provide accurate information on sexual orientation and sexuality, increase family and school support and reduce rejection of sexual minority youth."

The approval, by APA's governing Council of Representatives, came at APA's annual convention, during which a task force presented a report that in part examined the efficacy of so-called "reparative therapy," or sexual orientation change efforts (SOCE).

"Contrary to claims of sexual orientation change advocates and practitioners, there is insufficient evidence to support the use of psychological interventions to change sexual orientation," said Judith M. Glassgold, PsyD, chair of the task force. "Scientifically rigorous older studies in this area found that sexual orientation was unlikely to change due to efforts designed for this purpose. Contrary to the claims of SOCE practitioners and advocates, recent research studies do not provide evidence of sexual orientation change as the research methods are inadequate to determine the effectiveness of these interventions." Glassgold added: "At most, certain studies suggested that some individuals learned how to ignore or not act on their homosexual attractions. Yet, these studies did not indicate for whom this was possible, how long it lasted or its long-term mental health effects. Also, this result was much less likely to be true for people who started out only attracted to people of the same sex."

Based on this review, the task force recommended that mental health professionals avoid misrepresenting the efficacy of sexual orientation change efforts when providing assistance to people distressed about their own or others' sexual orientation.

APA appointed the six-member Task Force on Appropriate Therapeutic Responses to Sexual Orientation in 2007 to review and update APA's 1997 resolution, "Appropriate Therapeutic Responses to Sexual Orientation," and to generate a report. APA was concerned about ongoing efforts to promote the notion that sexual orientation can be changed through psychotherapy or approaches that mischaracterize homosexuality as a mental disorder.

The task force examined the peer-reviewed journal articles in English from 1960 to 2007, which included 83 studies. Most of the studies were conducted before 1978, and only a few had been conducted in the last 10 years. The group also reviewed the recent literature on the psychology of sexual orientation.

"Unfortunately, much of the research in the area of sexual orientation change contains serious design flaws," Glassgold said. "Few studies could be considered methodologically sound and none systematically evaluated potential harms."

As to the issue of possible harm, the task force was unable to reach any conclusion regarding the efficacy or safety of any of the recent studies of SOCE: "There are no methodologically sound studies of recent SOCE that would enable the task force to make a definitive statement about whether or not recent SOCE is safe or harmful and for whom," according to the report.

"Without such information, psychologists cannot predict the impact of these treatments and need to be very cautious, given that some qualitative research suggests the potential for harm," Glassgold said. "Practitioners can assist clients through therapies that do not attempt to change sexual orientation, but rather involve acceptance, support and identity exploration and development without imposing a specific identity outcome."

As part of its report, the task force identified that some clients seeking to change their sexual orientation may be in distress because of a conflict between their sexual orientation and religious beliefs. The task force recommended that licensed mental health care providers treating such clients help them "explore possible life paths that address the reality of their sexual orientation, reduce the stigma associated with homosexuality, respect the client's religious beliefs, and consider possibilities for a religiously and spiritually meaningful and rewarding life."

"In other words," Glassgold said, "we recommend that psychologists be completely honest about the likelihood of sexual orientation change, and that they help clients explore their assumptions and goals with respect to both religion and sexuality."

A copy of the task force report may be obtained from APA's Public Affairs Office or at http://www.apa.org/pi/lgbc/publications/therapeutic-response.pdf.

Members of the APA Task Force on Appropriate Therapeutic Responses to Sexual Orientation:

Judith M. Glassgold, PsyD, Rutgers University – Chair
Lee Beckstead, PhD
Jack Drescher, MD
Beverly Greene, PhD, St. John's University
Robin Lin Miller, PhD, Michigan State University
Roger L. Worthington, PhD, University of Missouri

The American Psychological Association, in Washington, D.C., is the largest scientific and professional organization representing psychology in the United States and is the world's largest association of psychologists. APA's membership includes more than 150,000 researchers, educators, clinicians, consultants and students. Through its divisions in 54 subfields of psychology and affiliations with 60 state, territorial and Canadian provincial associations, APA works to advance psychology as a science, as a profession and as a means of promoting health, education and human welfare.

Because some of you believe some of this, and we need to stop doing that if we are to be whole......

2009-08-01T21:42:00.000-07:00

Paul Cameron is the man responsible for the "legitimization" of many, many anti gay beliefs held by the American public. His debunked science is quoted by many unknowing Churches, politicians and even the public at large, and by the Anti Gay Industry who do know better who is behind them and what his agenda truly is. It is the ultimate agenda of this man to "exterminate" all "unrepentant" LGBT persons. "At the 1985 Conservative Political Action Conference, Cameron announced to the attendees, 'Unless we get medically lucky, in three or four years, one of the options discussed will be the extermination of homosexuals.' According to an interview with former Surgeon General C. Everett Koop, Cameron was recommending the extermination option as early as 1983." - Mark E. Pietrzyk, News-Telegraph, March 10, 1995.

Paul Cameron, received his doctorate in psychology at the University of Colorado-Boulder in 1966, He co-founded the Institute for the Scientific Investigation of Sexuality in 1983 after being dropped from the membership of the American Psychological Association . That organization eventually turned into The Family Research Institute. The Southern Law Poverty Center, our nations hate group authority, has officially designated The Family Research Institute a hate group. The FBI uses the SLPC data in it's hate group watch list. Cameron uses The Family Research Institute as a vehicle to publish reports saying homosexuals were more likely than heterosexuals to commit crimes and to molest children as well as most of the false statements made towards the LGBT community. Have you ever wondered what kind of mind would create two groups with the sole purpose of spreading lies about the LGBT community? From Paul Cameron's own words, you can get a pretty good idea.

Though he was kicked out of the American Psychological Association for ethical violations in 1983 (he was alleged to have used unsound methods and misrepresented the work of others, a practice his organization as well as others like his, still employ today, please visit: Respect My Research.org) — and then, after pawning himself off as a sociologist, declared "not a sociologist" by the American Sociological Association — his studies alleging every evil under the sun as coming from gays frequently cited by not only others in the Anti-Gay industry but Churches and the general public include:

"Homosexuality is a crime against humanity."- Paul Cameron's pamphlet "Criminality, Social Disruption and Homosexuality" quoted by Mark E. Pietrzyk, News-Telegraph, March 10, 1995. (Outrageous opinion held by many in the Anti Gay Industry)

In a 1981 debate, Cameron claimed a 4-year-old boy had been sexually mutilated in a Lincoln, Neb., mall rest room as part of a "homosexual act" — but police in Lincoln said no such crime had occurred. (Out right lie, there were no newspaper reports or any calls to the police regarding this)

Causes of homosexuality include: "sex with animals"- http://www.biblebelievers.com/Cameron3.html, What Causes Homosexual Desire and Can It Be Changed?, By Paul Cameron, Ph. D. (Outrageous lie held by many in the Anti Gay Industry)

"At least twice Cameron has advocated the tattooing of AIDS patients on the face, so that people would know when they were meeting with an infected person. The penalty for trying to hide the tattoo would be banishment to the Hawaiian island of Molokai, a former leper colony. In the event that a vaccine were developed to prevent AIDS, Cameron has proposed that homosexuals be castrated to prevent them from 'cheating' on nature." - Mark E. Pietrzyk, News-Telegraph, March 10, 1995. (Outrageous opinions held by many in the Anti Gay Industry)

"I think that actually AIDS is a guardian. That is I think it was sent, if you would, about forty years ago, to destroy Western civilization unless we change our sexual ways. So it's really a Godsend." - Cameron quoted by Mark E. Pietrzyk, News-Telegraph, March 10, 1995. (Outrageous opinion held by many in the Anti Gay Industry)

"33% [of gays surveyed] ingested feces via anal/oral contact"-Paul Cameron quoted at http://www.biblebelievers.com/Cameron2.html (Made up, not based on fact)

"a large minority of gays engage in torture for sexual fun. Sex with minors 25% of white gays admitted to sex with boys 16 or younger as adults"-Paul Cameron quoted at http://www.biblebelievers.com/Cameron2.html (Made up, not based on fact)

"Cameron also views AIDS as being such a large threat to 'innocents' that he has proposed nationwide testing for HIV and the forcible quarantine of all those testing positive, either by confinement to their homes or in regional detention centers." - Mark E. Pietrzyk, News-Telegraph, March 10, 1995. (C. Everett Koop scolded Cameron for this suggestion)

"He has also advocated the outlawing of homosexuality and the forcible closing of all Gay bars; homosexuals would be required to register with government authorities and have their movements tracked." - Mark E. Pietrzyk, News-Telegraph, March 10, 1995. (Outrageous opinion held by many in the Anti Gay Industry)

"Older homosexuals often approach the young" - http://www.biblebelievers.com/Cameron3.html, What Causes Homosexual Desire and Can It Be Changed?, By Paul Cameron, Ph. D. (Opinion while held by many is just not based on fact)

"There is evidence that homosexuality, like drug use is 'handed down' from older individuals. The first homosexual encounter is usually initiated by an older person."- http://www.biblebelievers.com/Cameron3.html, What Causes Homosexual Desire and Can It Be Changed?, By Paul Cameron, Ph.D. (Again, opinion, not based on fact)

"A quarter of homosexuals have admitted to sex with children and underaged teens"- http://www.biblebelievers.com/Cameron3.html, What Causes Homosexual Desire and Can It Be Changed?, By Paul Cameron, Ph. D. (Outrageous opinion, not based on fact, the facts are, all studies show Gays and Lesbians to have much much lower rates of child preditory behaviors than practicing heterosexuals, the latest show 1/2 the rate)

"Cameron also presented data that homosexuals are disproportionately child molesters. This research was also based on newspaper stories, which he said prove homosexuals are perpetrators in 40 percent of all molestation cases." - The Minnesota Daily, August 22, 1997 (as above, proven false)

"gays who practice oral sex verge on consuming raw human blood"- Paul Cameron quoted at http://www.biblebelievers.com/Cameron2.html (Opinion, not based on fact) "gays average somewhere between 106 and 1105 different partners/year"-Paul Cameron quoted at http://www.biblebelievers.com/Cameron2.html (Made up, not based on fact)

Gays have sex with "bottles, carrots, even gerbils"-Paul Cameron quoted at http://www.biblebelievers.com/Cameron2.html (Opinion, not based on fact. Here is the source of all the gerbil jokes by the way)

"The typical life-span of homosexuals suggests that their activities are more destructive than smoking and as dangerous as drugs."-Paul Cameron quoted at http://www.biblebelievers.com/Cameron2.html (Opinion, not based on fact, very poor research methods used)

"Those who treat AIDS patients are at great risk"-Paul Cameron quoted at http://www.biblebelievers.com/Cameron2.html (Opinion, facts show otherwise)

"The typical sexual practices of homosexuals are a medical horror story --imagine exchanging saliva, feces, semen and/or blood with dozens of different men each year. Imagine drinking urine, ingesting feces and experiencing rectal trauma on a regular basis. Often these encounters occur while the participants are drunk, high, and/or in an orgy setting. Further, many of them occur in extremely unsanitary places"-Paul Cameron quoted at http://www.biblebelievers.com/Cameron2.html (Made up, not based on fact or even an attempt at research)

"Homosexuals are sexually troubled people engaging in dangerous activities"-Paul Cameron quoted at http://www.biblebelievers.com/Cameron2.html (Opinion, not based on fact)

"Homosexual coupling undermines its participants' health, has the highest rate of domestic violence, shortens life, and is a poor environment in which to raise children."- Paul Cameron quoted at http://www.biblebelievers.com/Cameron1.html (Made up, not based on fact)

"homosexual couples have higher rates of domestic violence than do heterosexual couples, especially among lesbians"- Paul Cameron quoted at http://www.biblebelievers.com/Cameron1.html (Made up, not based on fact)

"The largest study, and the only one based on a random sample, estimated that less than half of a percent of Americans have had a homosexual parent. Those who did were more likely to: report having had sex with a parent….be sexually molested"-Paul Cameron quoted at http://www.biblebelievers.com/Cameron1.html (Not only made up nor based on fact, but this outrageous lie, hurts real victims of child abuse and prevents LGBT persons from becoming foster or adoptive parents in many states.)

"Homosexual unions are not built around lifetime commitments"-Paul Cameron quoted at http://www.biblebelievers.com/Cameron1.html (Guess he didn't talk to the hundreds of thousands, if not millions of couples who are in relationships lasting 10 years or more)

"Thomas Jefferson said that homosexuality ‘should be punished, if a man, by castration, if a woman, by cutting through the cartilage of her nose a hole of one-half inch in diameter as least.’ " Paul Cameron - Medical Consequences of What Homosexuals Do. (It is true that he proposed this legislation. The problem with the argument though is that it drops the context of the times and intent of Jefferson’s proposal. At this time the punishment for these "crimes" was death (so those that say that Jefferson’s position was too extreme are, in effect, saying that they believe they should have continued to execute homosexuals). Jefferson sought to make the punishment less severe. He did not propose castration out of the blue where no law had existed before.)

The American Psychological Association quickly launched an investigation into Cameron’s methodology after receiving complaints from some of its members. The association sent Cameron a letter in December 1983, saying it had decided to ”drop you from membership” because he had not cooperated with the investigation. Asked if the association still has concerns about Cameron, a spokeswoman, Rhea Faberman, said: ”We are concerned about Dr. Cameron because we do believe that his methodology is weak.”

In 1984, the Nebraska Psychological Association issued a statement saying it ”formally dissociates itself from the representations and interpretations of scientific literature offered by Dr. Paul Cameron.”

The American Sociological Association issued a resolution saying: ”Cameron has consistently misinterpreted and misrepresented sociological research on sexuality, homosexuality, and lesbianism.”

“I’m amazed that he is able to continue to be published,” said Perrin, a professor of pediatrics at the Floating Hospital for Children, Tufts-New England Medical Center. Perrin emphasized that her concern is not just about Cameron, but also about the way his research is quoted by others to justify restrictions on adoption by same-sex couples.

Gregory M. Herek, professor of psychology at the University of California at Davis, who has followed Cameron’s career, said: ”Most members of the public assume that a paper published in an academic journal is a legitimate scientific study. They don’t understand that journals vary widely in their quality and in the rigor of their review process. Cameron’s work is methodologically weak and in many cases the conclusions he draws from his data are not valid.”

Most recently, Cameron has said that “the US Centers for Disease Control and Prevention has suppressed a new study that concludes homosexuals are involved in criminality more than their heterosexual counterparts.” But Karen Hunter, a spokeswoman for the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, said the government agency has “never conducted a study of criminal activity among homosexuals versus heterosexuals. If we have never done a study, we would not be able to suppress it.” Cameron responded that his data came from a government drug-abuse survey, but the agency that collected the data said it could not replicate Cameron’s findings.

Cameron’s publisher, Psychological Reports, said it does not reject an article on grounds that it has received a negative review from peers, although it often asks for revisions. As Ammons, the editor, put it, “No opinion of a reviewer will ever veto, by itself, an article . . . We just simply invite them to comment. If they disagree with some aspect, they are free to submit a comment.” “People want to anoint something published in a scientific journal as ‘The Truth.’ It isn’t and it can’t be,” Ammons said. He added that his publication does not have a political agenda, and he said he personally disagrees with much of what Cameron has written but believes he should be
published.

According to The Family Research Institutes own statement: “Those of us at FRI are determined to do our best to oppose these death activists.[what these "scientists" call LGBT persons] As you see, the Internet has given us far more clout than our limited budget and effortscould otherwise hope for.”

In 2005, the Southern Poverty Law Center described Paul Cameron’s theories on homosexuality this way: "Of all the vices," Cameron concluded in one pamphlet, "only homosexuality constitutes a conspiracy against society." Cameron's "science" echoes Nazi Germany in that these disparaging descriptions of homosexuals are reminiscent of themes found in the ugly history of anti-Semitism, where Jews were historically associated with disease, filth, and child stealing. Cameron has been thrown out of legitimate professional organizations for his crackpot and inhuman science.

According to FBI Law Enforcement Bulletin/March 1, 2003 By John R. Schafer, MA and Joe Navarro, MA The seven-stage hate model: The psychopathology of hate groups, the Definition of Hate is a complex subject, divides into two general categories: rational and irrational. Unjust acts inspire rational hate. Hatred of a person based on race, religion, sexual orientation, ethnicity, or national origin constitutes irrational hate.

Both rational and irrational hate mask personal insecurities. Everyone experiences personal insecurities in varying degrees throughout their lives. The more insecure a person feels, the larger the hate mask. Most people concentrate on the important issues in life, such as earning a living, rearing a family, and achieving personal goals. These pursuits give meaning and value to life. Nonetheless, irrational hate bleeds through day-to-day activities.... Not all insecure people are haters, but all haters are insecure people.

On the "Journals" he publishes his reports in:

Psychological Reports et al. Instead of publishing in highly-respected, scientifically rigorous, and highly influential psychological journals (such as those in the top half of the Journal Citation Reports rankings), most of the Cameron group's research reports have appeared in Psychological Reports. Psychological Reports consistently ranks near the bottom of the list for impact. Other approaches to ranking the prestige and significance of journals have similarly ranked Psychological Reports at a low level in comparison to other psychology journals.

Psychological Reports publishes a larger number of articles and has a lower rejection rate than is typical for psychology journals. According to Journal Citation Reports in 1994 and 1995, for example, Psychological Reports was the third largest journal for which statistics were collected, publishing 510 articles in 1994 and 504 articles in 1995.

Psychological Reports is also different from the vast majority of psychology and social science journals in that it requires contributing authors to pay a fee (in recent years, $27.50 per page). The practice of charging a per-page fee or requiring purchase of preprinted copies of the article is rare in psychological and social science journals. Such per-page fees are not charged by the high-prestige psychology journals (e.g., those published by the American Psychological Association and the Association for Psychological Science).

As with Psychological Reports, the other journals in which the Cameron group has published have had consistently low rankings over time. Using 1977 SSCI impact ratings to rank 99 psychology journals, for example, Buffardi and Nichols (1981) ranked Adolescence, which Cameron himself once labeled as obscure, 98th out of 99. Another Cameron outlet, the Journal of Psychology, was ranked 79th.

Thus, the Cameron group has published its empirical research in academic journals with low prestige and, at least in the case of Psychological Reports, with a low rejection rate and a publication fee required from authors.

From Queer Science by Mark E. Pietrzyk
Mark E. Pietrzyk holds a Ph.D in political science from the George Washington University. He has been an instructor at DePaul University, a Fellow in Foreign Policy Studies at the Brookings Institution, and a researcher for the Heritage Foundation and National Defense University. His articles have appeared in The New Republic, Terra Nova, International Affairs Review, and The American Spectator.

Until 1980 Cameron was an instructor of psychology at the University of Nebraska. When his teaching contract was not renewed, he devoted himself fulltime to a think tank he founded called the Institute for the Scientific Investigation of Sexuality (ISIS),where he touted himself as an expert on sexuality, particularly on the societal consequences of homosexuality. During the 1980s he published hysterical pamphlets alleging that gays were disproportionately responsible for serial killings, child molestation and other heinous crimes.

Shortly after Cameron made these claims, several psychologists whose work he had referenced -- including Dr. A. Nicholas Groth, director of the Sex Offender Program at the Connecticut Department of Corrections -- charged Cameron with distorting their findings in order to promote his antigay agenda. When the American Psychological Association (APA) investigated Cameron, it found that he not only misrepresented the work of others but also used unsound methods in his own studies. For this ethical breach, the APA expelled Cameron in December 1983. (Although Cameron claims he resigned, APA bylaws prohibit members from resigning while under investigation.)

Unfortunately, the misrepresentations persist. Distortions and sloppy methods continue to shape Cameron's studies. As anyone who has taken a statistics class knows, a survey is valid only if the sample it uses is representative of the whole population. Sex surveys pose a particular problem, since many people who normally would be included in a representative sample are loath to discuss their private lives. That, however, hasn't deterred Cameron from his work.

Consider, for instance, his 1983 ISIS study, a survey of the sexual and social behavior of 4,340 adults in five American cities. Although thousands of heterosexuals allegedly responded to his survey, Cameron could get only forty-one gay men and twenty-four lesbians to respond. The extremely small sample size should have invalidated any conclusions about the sexual behavior of the gay population. In any case, the skewed results of the survey show that Cameron did not get an adequate random sample of heterosexuals either. He claims to have found that 52 percent of male heterosexuals have shoplifted; that 34 percent have committed a crime without being caught; and that 12 percent have either committed or attempted to commit murder. Most people would toss out such a survey but Cameron published the results in several pamphlets and in “Effect of Homosexuality upon Public Health and Social Order, an article in Psychological Reports.

In one pamphlet, Murder, Violence and Homosexuality, Cameron asserts that you are fifteen times more apt to be killed by a homosexual than by a heterosexual during a sexual murder spree; that homosexuals have committed the most sexual conspiracy murders; and that half of all sex murderers are homosexuals. Cameron based these conclusions on a sample of thirty-four serial killers he selected from the years 1966 to 1983. He stacked the deck not only by including phony figures (he counts in his sample the claims of Henry Lee Lucas, who subsequently recanted his boast that he murdered hundreds of people) but by examining only those serial killers with an apparent sexual motive. This allowed him to include John Wayne Gacy and his victims but to exclude the great majority of serial killers who are heterosexual, according to sociologist Jack Levin, the author of Mass Murder: America's Growing Menace.

In Cameron's writings on child molestation, the pamphlet Child Molestation and Homosexuality and two published articles, “Homosexual Molestation of Children/Sexual Interaction of Teacher and Pupil and “Child Molestation and Homosexuality'" he concludes that gays have perpetrated between one-third and one-half of all child molestations; that homosexual teachers have committed between one-quarter and four-fifths of all molestations of pupils; and that gays are ten to twenty times more apt to molest children than are heterosexuals.

These figures are said to be based on the content of other child molestation studies, yet Cameron has distorted those studies to get the results he wants. For example, he defines all adult male molestation of male children as molestations committed by homosexuals, a definition rejected by the very experts Cameron cites.

Groth, among other experts, has explicitly said that most molesters of boys are in fact men who are heterosexual in their adult relationships. These men are attracted to boys, he says, largely because of the feminine characteristics of prepubescents, such as a lack of body hair. (They also had more access to young boys than girls. In child molestation, the perpetrators choose who they are allowed to be alone with, the gender of the child has nothing to do with it.)

Cameron also has provided anti-gay organizations with research indicating absurdly high rates of extreme sex practices and venereal diseases among gays and lesbians. In his pamphlets on these subjects, Cameron has claimed, for instance, that 29 percent of gay men practice “urine sex" and that 37 percent of gay men have sadomasochistic sex.

Gay men, he says, are fourteen times more apt to have syphilis than heterosexual men and are three times more apt to have had lice. Lesbians are said to be nineteen times more apt to have syphilis than straight women and are four times more apt to have had scabies. (the opposite is true) Cameron's findings, however, are based on two sources: his discredited 1983 ISIS survey and other studies that ignore random sampling techniques. Several studies Cameron cites to support his conclusions rely on the responses of gay men who were recruited entirely from V.D. clinics.

A Cameron study that has received perhaps the most attention is “The Lifespan of Homosexuals." It concludes that less than 2 percent of gay men survive to old age; that lesbians have a median age of death of 45 that gays are 116 times more apt to be murdered than straight men and twenty-four times more apt to commit suicide, etc. The source of this material? A comparison of obituaries from gay newspapers with a sample from regular newspapers?a method that would be laughed at by any reputable scholar.

Obituaries in gay papers do not accurately portray deaths in the gay population as a whole. They are not meant to provide a public record of deaths of all gays but to allow members of the urban gay community to express mourning for their peers, particularly those whose lives have been cut short by illness or accident. Gays who die outside these communities or who die of natural causes are much less likely to be written up in a gay paper.

I no longer believe Paul Cameron or his "studies." All I know is that I believe my own life experience, I believe the life experience and witness of my LGBT peers and my own experiences as people who have tried but could not change who we are, who come from every nation and background, every religious community and non religious community, we come from every walk of life and every profession known. From the earliest days we have existed. Khnumhotep and Niankhkhnum were ancient Egyptian royal servants. They shared the title of Overseer of the Manicurists in the Palace of King Niuserre during the Fifth Dynasty of Egyptian pharaohs, circa 2400 B.C., and are listed as "royal confidants" in their joint tomb. They are speculated to be the first recorded same-sex couple in recorded history. Surely they were not just the first.

We have brought art, science, beauty and love to the places we have graced and lived. Though the people of the Anti-Gay Industry try to dehumanize us and deny us civil rights and ultimately our lives, they will never succeed because truth and love are always in the end stronger than lies and hate.

Cross posted from The Lesbian Said What? and Blogging For Truth

The Trip To Reno

2009-08-01T00:26:00.001-07:00

We really had a great time last week. On Thursday we finally got out and went to a Reno Aces ballgame which they won! This is their inaugural year and our first AAA ball team in a beautiful new stadium. We had front row, third base seats right behind Brett Butler who is the manager. The Aces started out blowing away the Portland Beavers (OMG we could not have attended a more appropriate game) but then the Beavers made a game of it for a while, it was very exciting to see. Oh and I found this video on YouTube that gives you an idea how fun it is there. Though we missed the ball head singing Take Me Out To The Ball Game because we were following the Aces Girls in front of us..........

On Saturday we attended the monthly Reno Beer Crawl but we stopped crawling once we hit The Men's Club, one of our truly finer strip clubs, Lorrie had never been to one and we both had a blast even though Lorrie wouldn't let me buy her a lap dance. She did manage some boob in the face action however so not all was lost!!! Later that night we went to the Journey/Heart Concert, it was fantastic, especially Heart! OMG Annie and Nancy sure do still have it all! The new lead singer for Journey was wonderful and energetic and sounds an awful lot like Steve Perry.

On Sunday we drove to California and toured Napa Valley where I got rather tipsy from the tastings, we stayed the night in Kelseyville, LMAO. (it was founded by some ancestor of mine) Not an exciting town and we pissed off the pizza place dude because we didn't know they closed at 9 and we got there 10 minutes before. He even had the gall to ask us when we were leaving if we knew he closed at 9, LOL. (they had no hours of operation posted by the way, we looked) If we had we would have stayed longer because he spent the whole time our pizza was cooking banging things around and harumphing like a 4 year old. After that we picked up James because he spent the week with his dad in Loch Lomond near Clear Lake.

It may have seemed this took a while to get posted. Since coming home, Lorrie and I have been working on communicating better with each other. We learned it really does take more than phone calls, emails and visits to keep a relationship whole. And not just a long distance one. It takes real communication and trust, of feelings and thoughts and goals and dreams and especially our fears. Honestly and openly with out letting the fear get in the way. We discovered neither one of us has been doing much of that with each other over the past six months. After spending most of our lives hiding those things from the rest of the world, we discovered we don't always exactly know how to be open with each other when it comes to this stuff.

I think we are beginning to learn. I know we both want to.

Honored as Bridge Builders

2009-07-30T00:14:00.000-07:00

Hello again everyone! We had a great time last week and thank you all for your good wishes and encouraging words. I know I need to get busy blogging again.

When I logged in the other day I discovered that Wendy from Burning Or Building Bridges In The Community? had chosen to award me with her Bridge Builder Award that is for "a blogger or web writer who, in their connections with others, really has a heart for building bridges between all different types of people. Someone who leaves you with a little more hope, humor, humility, happiness."

She also let me know there are two rules for this award: The first rule is to write 3 ways you build bridges between yourself and others. The second is to nominate 3 of your favorite blogs/writers for this award. The nominating part is easy of course, I read three writers that do the above four things very well:

SisterFriends Together SisterFriends Together is an outreach ministry of Grace Unfolding Ministries, and was created to provide a safe and welcoming online faith community for lesbian, bisexual, questioning and transgender women. It’s a place where women can share fears and ask questions in their journey to reconcile and integrate their sexuality and faith.

Jude, (geekgirl) our inexhaustible ally from LGBT Latest Science and who also has the LGBT Lessons for Straight People Category at Jaysays. She is also responsible for turning our allies blue on Twitter!

And Hugh, another straight ally from Meet Adam and Steve, because we should all be as enthusiastic about our full equal rights as he is!

I guess two of the ways I try to offer hope and reach out to build bridges between different types of people is of course this blog and the Blogging For Truth site.

While we tend to talk about many different things on T & L After 40, it's main mission is to share the coming out process later in life, how you must be sure you can handle things, that you must be ready, that it is scary, and that yes, friends will be lost, that your family relations will be strained.

When first coming out, most sites made it sound like if you just follow some formula everything will be OK, here are the steps now go for it, but it isn't easy at all. It is scary, We know it because it was scary for us too, still is sometimes, but as scary as it can be, it is really so much better to no longer live the lie. I think it would have been nice if someone had been there to tell me how really hard it is, though it wouldn't have stopped me. I would have just been better prepared. We try to be as honest about it as possible to help others be better prepared as well. The private network Late In Life Lesbians is an offshoot of this blog to further help each other in our daily lives.

Blogging for Truth's mission is to get as many facts out to counter the lies that the Anti-Gay Industry has spent the last 30-40 years spreading to the general public. Lies that have seeped into every aspect of our lives, from books, news, movies and even into our own subconscious. Through that site I hope to fight not only public perception, but our own internalized belief system that is not based on truth. Since becoming an activist for our rights, I sometimes wonder who it is harder to convince that we are not freaks, but simply human beings in every sense of that word, the public at large, or our own community.

The third way is something I have tried to do most of my life, though not so much online but in everyday interactions with people. That has been my lifelong fight against bigotry in all forms, especially between ethnic groups. My grandmother, Louise Shaw, was biracial who hid her African American heritage all her life. (Yes, I do see the irony in the way I hid my sexuality.) She lived a very hard lie though she was one of the most amazing women ever to have graced this earth, the self hatred based on lies and fear, never allowed her to fully enjoy her truly amazing life because she always feared discovery. One of the greatest accomplishments of genetic research in my opinion has been the realization at last, that there is no such thing as different races, only different shades of skin color. We as human beings are 99% the same, the other 1% accounts for our individuality and the diseases we may have, the more we learn the truth of what this means, maybe someday, hate based on lies anyway, will disappear from the earth.

Thank you Wendy for this award, and thank you for always building bridges yourself.

Together again!

2009-07-21T01:02:00.000-07:00

I know we have been bad about blogging this past week or more, but as you can see, when it gets close to the time when we are to be together, we get one track minds, LOL. Anyway, look at it as our summer vacation and we will be back to blogging sometime next week.
Take care everyone! Enjoy your own vacation!!!

ONE DAY!!!!!!!

2009-07-20T04:32:00.000-07:00

I just have to make it through this one day of work, come home and get everything that I need (which isn't much!) packed, try to get a few hours of sleep (because I won't get much the rest of the week!), get myself to the airport early in the morning and a little over ONE DAY from now I will be landing in Reno in Rebecca's arms!!!!!!!!!!
WOOOOOOOOOOOOO HOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!

The Continuing Saga...over 2000 phone calls and counting

2009-07-12T17:09:00.000-07:00

Lorrie and I met and have maintained a long distance relationship for nearly three years now, this is our story. It wasn't supposed to be this long, but just like our relationship, you can't always foresee what the future will bring! You may catch up with 3000 emails - 2000 phone calls by clicking on Part I, Part II, Part III and Part IV

It was a long plane ride home. My head was swirling and my heart was crying. The first thing I did when I got in my van at the airport in Philly was call Rebecca. I told her what an amazing time I had; I wanted to tell her that she had touched a part of me that had never been touched before. I made some stupid comment about "finding a place to put her"...but I knew there was no way I could put her away; I just wanted her besides me...always!

The first thing I did when I got home was send an email to Lorrie, letting her know how amazing she was and how much I enjoyed my time with her, I meant it to be goodbye, forever. I went back to bed to try and sleep, but I couldn't, all I could do was think of Lorrie on the plane headed away from Reno and my life.

I couldn't believe it when Lorrie called me, from her van, right off the plane, I was so glad to hear her voice again. When Lorrie said she was finding a place to put me, I just wanted to tell her just don't put me away forever, but I felt like it would be best for both of us if she did. The next morning she emailed me back letting me know that she was the soccer mom and wife once more.

Two days after she left we had sent each other 13 emails trying to let go of each other but neither one of us could. Each one revealing more of what we were feeling while she was here and coming to the realization finally that it had been the same in depth and intensity for each of us.

So....I think from that point forward we have talked on the phone at least once a day and if there were days we missed, we made up for them by emailing more often or texting! It took us one month of seeing how high our phone bills were before we realized we both needed to be on the same network, LOL! We sure burned up our minutes in a hurry. Lorrie was calling me every morning on her way to work as well as sometimes on her way home and at lunch.

It took us both a couple of months to figure out in our heads and our hearts what was happening between us. They were a crazy couple of months. There were days when I expected to see Rebecca on my front door steps or to be calling me from the airport and saying "I'm here!" There were many days instead of making that right turn toward my work I really really really wanted to make the left toward the airport!

Lorrie and I would joke that I should move there. I was not tied to a job really and was divorced. There were days when I was very tempted just to move to Philadelphia, not even waiting to ask Lorrie if it was really OK. Just get the craziness over, spend more time with her and see if what we were feeling was real. The only thing that did keep me in Reno at that time were my kids.

We talked and talked and talked. We replayed every moment of our wonderful 4 nights together over and over and over. We both expressed to each other what a connection we had to one another. But that L word...that took us a while to get to. I knew I felt more in love with Rebecca than I ever had with my H; but I was married with kids, the big suburban house, a good job, busy living my very heterosexual life...how could I tell this woman that I love her, that I am in love with her??

I knew I was in love with Lorrie, but I was afraid of saying it for fear of scaring her away. I didn't think she was in love with me, or no more than a crush, or even out of love with her husband. Talk of seeing each other again would be tempered with worries about somebody finding out, or her kids and she did not want to leave her husband and I certainly did not want her to leave her husband for me, I also felt very strongly that she should continue to do what she thought best for her kids.

During those months I made more than a few attempts to break it off. I knew it was driving Lorrie crazy and I knew I was going crazy thinking about her and I knew I could never be with her for longer than a few days every now and then at best. I saw no future for us really, though we always seemed to talk about one in each of our phone calls and emails.

I needed to see Rebecca again; I could think of nothing else! It is really amazing that I didn't get fired or at least reprimanded during that time as I was not doing a very good job of doing my job. The other amazing thing is that I told my H I wanted to go out and see Rebecca again and he agreed to it (of course he thought this was just something more that was needed to get this out of my system, lol).

I couldn't believe Lorrie really wanted to see me again so soon. At first I was to go to Philadelphia, but I couldn't get the time off from my new job, when I knew I couldn't go there, I was very relieved that Lorrie said she could fly here instead. We both agreed that this would give us a chance to see if it was just a crush, or something much more.

So....I made plans to go see Rebecca again the weekend before Thanksgiving; approximately 9 weeks after I had left her in September. Hence, the first of many countdowns began!

Shameless Vanity and The Boys I Love (other than my sons)

2009-07-11T18:51:00.000-07:00

I was very honored that Hugh, creator of Meet Adam and Steve, and all around sweetheart, asked me yesterday if they could feature me on their blog. It is a site created to introduce the LGBT community to the rest of the world one face at a time. I really loved reading everyone's stories on there after discovering it through twitter. You should check it out, and if you wish to be featured you can contact Hugh and let him know.

While I was writing this little vanity piece, I thought that it might be nice to introduce you to some other men I follow and who also follow us back. I know Lorrie was curious as to why men were following, and maybe some of you are too. I let her know that they are also activists in one way or another and/or online friends. Besides, I don't think our issues are all that different from theirs. Most are gay, though not all, so no, they aren't here to watch, just read.

One of the first LGBT news blogs I followed after starting this one was Nelson's NGblog, he is from NY and posts commentary and headlines about our community. He is not afraid to speak out and updates quite frequently.

There is also Goombah, from Goombah's Rainbow, which stands for Gay Old Obstinate Man Bitching and Hoping, LOL. He posts commentary with a dash of cynicism thrown it. He also runs The Rap Pack, an online forum dedicated to LGBT issues and Richard Simmons (LOL, not really about Richard Simmons, Goombah does not like Richard Simmons I have learned) Besides, I always have had a soft spot for the crumudgeons of the world.

Texas Cowboy has a blog called America For Purchase and his articles are always rational, reasoned and well researched, this man knows his three r's. He comes from a progressive point of view and his topics are on the full range of political subjects.

John Abuzz has a blog called John abuzz and it is just that, abuzz with enthusiasm with personal ramblings, issues he cares about and his daily life. He is also a passionate amateur photographer.

Gunnar is from Germany but lives in Sicily and his blog, Travel and Enjoy Sicily is dedicated to that beautiful island. He is a photographer and scuba diving instructor. I would love to scuba dive with Lorrie some day. I met Gunnar on Blog Catalog.

I met Shayan Arshad on Blog Catalog and Bloggers Unite, he sells discount eyewear on his site, Eyewear4eye, and I wear glasses.

I don't know who Shoki is. He dosen't have a blog link...........But hey, welcome!

Haven't forgetten about our story......

2009-07-09T01:16:00.001-07:00

LOL
I am cleaning up the last of my past life, and it is taking a lot out of me for some reason. No big deal, it's just when I came out, I came out without forethought, and some things were not taken care of at the time, finally getting to it after 3+ years.
Will be back to it soon, we promise!

Forgiving Those Around Us

2009-07-06T00:25:00.000-07:00

When we come out, or are coming out, we often need to work through becoming a whole person. Part of what we need to do to become the person we were created to be is not to just forgive ourselves for our own past mistakes, but we need to learn how to forgive others as well. Sometimes, a lot of others. Accepting that we must do this and learning how will serve us well the rest of our out and proud lives. When we don't forgive we are simply re-living the pain and anger daily.

Forgiveness is an essential ingredient to releasing and letting go of the past and eliminating the need to re-create pain in our life, which is reflected in our relationships with others.

Forgiveness does not mean ‘letting another person off the hook’. It means 'regaining' ourselves and being free to create the life we want, which includes love, success and happiness. When we don’t forgive, we make someone else’s behavior "about us". We carry their dysfunctions and make them our own. We also take a great deal of this person’s negative karma for them. - Melanie Evans

Forgiveness is, as G. de Purucker says, “one of the steps to divine love. True forgiveness is the refusing to bear resentment, nourish a grudge, cultivate hatred; and forgiveness means also to cleanse your heart of these degrading impulses.” Forgiveness is then an active condition, one we choose to do. It might be easier to forgive if, when wronged, we take a step back from our own anger and hurt, and ask: What is going on in their lives and past experiences that could have made them act that way? We don't do this to excuse their behavior but to try to understand it. It seems when we can try to understand others, it becomes easier for us to truly forgive.

Love, when it comes to forgiveness is about the love of others and love of self necessary to bring true acceptance, repentance and forgiveness for wrong doings and also leads to freeing ourselves to be the person we were meant to be. Self love battles victimization and can lead a person from shame or pity to forgive themselves as well as others.

The following seven stages were swiped right out of The Feeling Soul: A Roadmap to Healing and Living:

Stage 1- Admit You Are Angry!

Many of us will echo the thoughts “What? I’m not supposed to get angry! I’ve done all this healing work!” I’ve learned that it is harmful to get angry but it is more harmful to be angry and not admit it! The way to check if you are angry is to observe your inner dialogue about how you are relating to yourself and others. Are you finding yourself being negative, critical or frustrated? Do you find yourself being impatient with people and critical of how things are done? Are you constantly blaming others for your troubles, wishing that others would change? If so, then it is likely you are angry. Try to recognize what you are angry about. It may not be the little things, but something that happened months ago. Look back in time to what might have triggered your anger and where your expression has been blocked. Bitterness is anger with no outlet to be heard or feeling that you can not change anything. It is a form of helplessness. Try to discover what you are bitter about. Make a list of resentments. Don’t hold back or edit your thoughts. Being honest with yourself is the first step in healing anger.

Stage 2- Acknowledge the Loss and Consequences

In order to fully forgive, you need to look at the consequences of the event. By consequences, I do not mean just emotional pain. Look at the past and the present, and honestly note any changes. Were you physically injured? Were you emotionally hurt? Did you suffer financial loss? What other types of losses occurred? Was there harm to other relationships? To achieve lasting forgiveness it is important to acknowledge all the losses, otherwise forgiveness will have to be revisited. When listing the losses and consequences, try to look objectively at the incident without investing in the emotions around the losses at this time.

Stage 3 - Submit to a Feeling of Vulnerability

The next stage in forgiveness is to open your self up to change and dissonance. You can not spread butter when it is hard and cold. Forgiveness does not come easily when your ideas, thoughts of revenge or justice are hardened. You must retreat and re-examine your approach. Just like a pound of butter, if you want to forgive and heal, you need to let your ideas thaw and be molded into a new perspective, combined with other ideas and views. You need to admit that to harbor anger and resentments violates the laws of kindness and compassion both for yourself and other people. You must realize that in not forgiving, you are now betraying the person at whom you are angry. This is not an easy step. It can be painful to realize that it is you who needs to change, and that it is you who has the poison of anger and resentment. It is easy to build up a wall of justification around your thoughts, actions and feelings regarding the harm done to you. In order to heal and forgive, you need to break through the wall and tear it down completely!

This stage of forgiveness also requires you look at whether there was any responsibility on your part. In some cases there was none, in some cases, you may have taken action which contributed to the decision. In this case, it may be hard for you to admit that you caused part of your own suffering as it is easier to blame others than to take any responsibility. This stage requires an honest, fearless, kind and moral inventory of your own actions and behavior. Sometimes you may not like what you find, but facing your shadow can be one of the most powerful healing experiences. See if you can find some common ground.

Stage 4 – Stop Punishing

One of the common behaviors of people is to try to punish those who have harmed us. Most studies have shown that punishment rarely teaches anything other than to resent the person doing the punishing! Some of the ways you may punish are by withholding companionship, giving someone the silent treatment, or even giving compliments but then taking it back with an insult. You may try to go further with legal action, or you may try to damage things that the other person prizes. Another method of punishment is gossiping about the other person. In order to truly forgive, you need to give up the expectation that the other person will be punished. You can ask that the other person make amends for their harm, but if they refuse or are unable to make amends, then releasing them from the idea of punishment frees you from lingering resentment.

There is great wisdom in the following Buddhist teaching – “Should one person ignorantly do wrong, and another ignorantly becomes angry with him, who would be at fault? And who would be without fault?” It is far better to try to forgive, and reintegrate your friends back into community than to ostracize and alienate them through punishment. Try to practice compassion, work at developing a deeper understanding of how and why people behave. It seems that we prefer a simple explanation of things, yet you need to understand that human beings and the relationships between each other are complex. Understanding the ways of the world and the people in the world requires wisdom and self control. Use the opportunity to forgive as a means of growth!

Stage 5 – Identify Some Good in the Other Person

This step, finding some good in the other person is probably the most crucial step in bringing about lasting forgiveness. It can also be the hardest depending on the severity of the event you are trying to forgive.

According to Francis Bacon, the key to forgiveness is in “not expecting the other to change, to give love, to be kind and develop the ability to see that in everyone else’s eyes and heart there is some good.” In forgiving, you try not to think of yourself as being good and the other person bad. You can find it easier to forgive if you can understand that the other person has difficulties too, or was harmed in the past.

If you do not practice this step, then forgiveness will be futile because it will be done with a sense of contempt for the other person. If you can not find good in the other person, then at least pray for them. A wonderful technique for developing your vision of good in another is to imagine a seed of goodness in their heart, and in prayer imagine that both you and God are watering it to make it grow stronger. Better yet is to image that each person already has this great flower of goodness in them already. Admit that it has been obscured from your view because of your anger, resentment and justifications. Learn to look for the good. At first, like developing any skill, it is challenging. You will become better at it with practice!

Stage 6 – Develop Genuine Neutrality

Hopefully in the process of forgiveness you will come to resolve any negative emotions and thoughts about yourself and the other person or organization. To do so requires that you do not expect or demand any payment or restitution after forgiveness. You must assume that there is no debt owed to you. Mother Theresa once said “it is between God and myself, it was never between me and them anyway.” This must be practiced daily. It is easy to slip into anger and resentment if you do not cultivate a practice of neutrality. Depending on the severity of the event, you may choose to not have any further contact with the person, but if you meet them by chance, you want to have a sense of neutrality and a sense of calmness instead of avoidance.

Stage 7 – Stay in the Present

“Bury the hatchet” is a phrase you may have heard many times. There is wisdom to this phrase if you understand its original meaning. The phrase comes from spiritual traditions of North American Indians who would put all weapons out of site while smoking a peace pipe. For your own forgiveness work, you must keep the original wound out of sight, or out of present mind. It is necessary to acknowledge what happened, to not forget it, but also not drag it up again as a fresh wound. Resurrecting the event and bringing it up again with the person who harmed you will cause you to feel the associated feelings again. Balance your memory of the event with your memory of the forgiveness work you have done. Practice loving those you don’t feel warmth towards.

All of your forgiveness work can be undone, and the resentment rekindled if you begin to dwell on the event again. If you begin to rerun your mind’s movie of the harm, then you may find yourself in an angry and hurt state again. It is the nature of your mind to ruminate, and therefore you must develop self-discipline and remind yourself that you have completed forgiveness work around this issue. Thank your mind for the intrusive thought, and send it off into the far reaches of the universe! Refuse to bring the past into the present again, as it will re-trigger you back into hurt and anger. Continually rise above the injury! Practice compassion and unconditional love towards all people!

And lastly, remember what forgiveness is not:

Letting wrongdoers off the hook,
Failing to hold people accountable for their actions,
Forgetting, denying, ignoring, or overlooking the wrongs that have occurred,
Repressing genuine feelings of hurt, anger, or hate.
Condoning, excusing, or justifying bad behavior, unkindness, or abuse or becoming complicit in continuing it,
Denying, minimizing, or excusing your hurt or your feelings,
Condemning the offender, demonstrating they deserve to know they are wrong, or that you are morally superior.
Contingent on seeking justice or compensation. It is not a bi-lateral transaction; it is a unilateral act of generosity.
Placation or simply calming down. While equanimity is valuable, forgiveness requires more than a superficial tranquility.
Insincere, thoughtless, casual, often easy, or a sign of weakness.
Equivalent to trust. Forgiveness can be given, but trust must be earned.
Contingent on religious beliefs.

More Than 2000 Phone Calls.........

2009-07-04T15:50:00.000-07:00

UPDATE: I want to apologize to our readers, I posted this without an explanation for our newer followers, I am very sorry, here is the story so far: Lorrie and I met and have maintained a long distance relationship for nearly three years now, this is our story. You may catch up with 3000 emails - 2000 phone calls by clicking on Part I, Part II and Part III

OK, Rebecca has "ordered" me to add to this blog, lol...I love it when she orders me around!!! (LOL like I could ever make you do anything...)

Believe it or not, I did go to my training class on Tuesday with very little sleep. Luck was it that we all had our own computers hooked up to the internet, so every chance I got I logged on to see if Rebecca had sent me any emails. And she had! I called her as soon as I got back to my room at the hotel and we made plans to get together Tuesday night too. It was another wonderful night in many many ways. Wow..this woman...I couldn't get enough of her..I couldn't wait to see her again!

On the morning of the third day, Lorrie mentioned that her co-worker might want to go to Tahoe that evening, and would I like to come along? Yes, I would, I said, Tahoe is beautiful and it might be fun. When Lorrie called me after her training, she let me know to come over to the hotel and we would take the rental car to Tahoe. When I got there, it seems that the gambling bug had really hit that guy, so we would be all alone again that evening. Oh Damn, LOL!

So, in my best trying not to seem like some sex crazed fiend by blurting out "Yipeee!" I asked her if she still wanted to go to Tahoe? Lorrie said, I don't know, do you? I said, well, everyone should see Tahoe and she was so close........so we started to drive up there, no hurry because Tahoe is only 45 minutes away......

We held hands all the way up there and chatted, talking to Lorrie is so easy and we could even then talk about anything. Eventually we made it to South Shore where all the shops and Casinos are. We parked the car near the shops first, because Lorrie wanted to get her kids some souvenirs.

We looked around, found a shop that looked interesting, lots of local art and stuff, went in and were out in about 10 minutes. Lorrie looked at me and said what do you want to do now? I said I don't know, what do you want to do? Do you want to find a restaurant?........Lorrie said, I want to go back to Reno, is that OK? I was hoping she would say that!

We got in the car and down the mountain we went. That was the longest ride ever! LMAO. I couldn't believe how long it was taking us to get back and Lorrie was speeding the whole way!I was sure grinning from ear to ear. And every time I looke at Lorrie, she was too!

I actually do remember seeing Lake Tahoe that night...briefly while driving by at 70 mph!! I remember asking Rebecca on the way back, "Your place or mine?", LOL. She said "Whichever is closer." I replied.."Baby, you are the one that lives here, you're gonna have to tell me!" About 5 minutes later we were in my hotel room!!!

I was scheduled for the class from Monday to Thursday, to fly out Friday morning. We got together every day after class and were with each other till the wee hours of the morning...except for the one night we both thought for some reason I should get a good nights sleep for my class...that night Rebecca left around midnight...(well, I knew she was going on only about two hours of sleep a night) we have regretted that many times..but now we can just laugh about it!

Then it was the wee hours of the morning on Friday morning...we were at Rebecca's place and I knew it was time for me to head back to the hotel to get ready for my flight. I did not want to go. I knew I had to go. I knew I had to see this woman again. But how? I am married. I have a life in Pa. I need to be with this woman. OMG, I don't want to go. I have to go.

Friday morning I didn't know what to say or do, I didn't want Lorrie to go, I couldn't let her go, I knew I was in love with her, I didn't think she was with me. I couldn't ask her to stay, she had her kids, her husband, her job and all her friends, but I wanted her to stay or I wanted to come back to Pennsylvania.

I drove her back to her room so she could pack, I was telling how much I liked her and what a wonderful time I had and Lorrie was saying the same things back to me, after pulling over for one last kiss, I pulled up to the casino entrance and she got out of the car, she leaned back in for a quick kiss, turned around and walked in. I watched her until I couldn't see her any more and slowly drove away. My heart felt like it was breaking, tears were flowing down my face and I was kicking myself for having been such a fool. How could I let myself fall for someone who lived so far away, was married and who said it was to be a one time thing?

Happy Independance Day!!

2009-07-04T07:41:00.001-07:00

Just to get the fireworks started........

LGBT Rights Added To In Nevada

2009-07-03T02:07:00.000-07:00

When the Nevada Senate and Assembly overrode Gov. Jim Gibbons veto of the Domestic Partnership bill proponents had to make the inclusion of health benefits a voluntary action on the part of the employer and not mandatory, to avoid a fiscal provision on the bill, which would have killed it. This meant that the state was not required to offer health benefits to its employees.

Yesterday, however the Public Employees’ Benefits Program Board voted 5-3 to extend benefits to domestic partners although domestic partners will have to pay the full monthly coverage rate of $760 without any subsidy. This is because the legislature refused to approve $3.7 million in additional funds to the state budget to cover subsidies for domestic partners. Subsidies are provided to all other spouses of state employees, reducing their costs to around $200 per month.

It is a step in the right direction, and hopefully Nevada will keep fighting until we have full equal rights.

Update on PA John Eichelberger And The Exist Gate Facebook

2009-07-01T23:34:00.000-07:00

After attempting unsuccessfully to elicit an apology from PA Senator Eichelberger for his remark that he was allowing LGBT's "to exist," The Pittsburgh Lesbian Correspondents have created a Facebook Group, please click the link and sign up today:

Exist-gate: Gays are allowed to exist AND have a Facebook Group

Senator John Eichelberger commented "We are allowing them to exist" during a recent interview on WHYY in Philadelphia. Eichelberger is the primary sponsor of legislation to amend the Pennsylvania constitution to "protect" marriage, and refuses to apologize for his "exist" comment. Thanks to NGBlog for the video h/t.

Maybe Senator Eichelberger should read the article "Go South, Young Homo" in this month's Philadelphia Magazine. In it, Jessica Remo points out that the area is experiencing a Renaissance and becoming economically revitalized by an influx of gay and lesbian businesses and residents moving in. And the residents and traditional business owners have started welcoming the influx with open arms.

Kevin Gillen, a Penn research fellow, explains that "This is the classic pattern, the artists and musicians are the first to take a risk in an emerging neighborhood. Then come the gay couples, who typically don't have children and so don't have the same worries about safety and school districts as young families."

What she found most amazing was the welcome they were getting from the long time locals and fellow business people. Especially the elderly residents who have lived and raised their families in South Philly all their lives. They are discovering what all our neighbors tend to find out if they give us a chance, we tend to be damn friendly, open and honest, and very good for business. One elderly lady was almost complaining that since a couple moved in next door she has had little time to read her books, as they are often over visiting with her. Another long time resident told of the pierced and tattooed young man who let another resident know she had left her change behind on the counter of the local market.

I bet the residents of South Philadelphia could teach Senator Eichelberger a thing or two about what makes a real community and what it means to be a real neighbor.

For All Of You, Yes You Are........

2009-06-30T01:12:00.000-07:00

This one is for the girls whether lesbian, bi, transgender or questioning, don't ever let anyone tell you different.....

Pride arrives at last...........

2009-06-28T00:00:00.000-07:00

Set to Heather Small's song "Proud"

Today is the 40th anniversary of the Stonewall Riots. It is also the day that many communities around the world celebrate Gay Pride with parades, parties and gatherings.

Pride, to me, is the day I commemorate the fact that I am no longer ashamed of who I am. I am no longer living in fear that others may reject me because of it. I now embrace this part of me as much as I now embrace life itself.

I have come to realize, at long last, that all of who I am is a gift from God, and it is GOOD!

I am no longer ashamed.

Check out my post "We Are A People With A History"

It Takes More Than 3000 emails............(continued again)

2009-06-27T17:10:00.000-07:00

This post has taken a different tack from what we originally imagined, LOL. About what it has taken to maintain a relationship for nearly 3 years while living 2,653 miles apart.
So this is really part three of the beginning of it all. This is the post you are all panting for we know........We are enjoying reliving it as much as you are all reading it. (LOL, we thought (briefly) about putting lots of details but then decided we didn't want our blog to come up on the porno search engines, lol.)

That first kiss. I know it still comes to my mind often. It was every movie kiss I ever saw and it felt exactly how I imagined a first kiss would be and should be. We just stood there kissing, holding on to each other until the world stopped spinning.

I never knew a kiss could be so powerful. It is so true, the rest of the world disappeared and it was just Rebecca and I, together at last!

I remember undressing her slowly, admiring her naked form, leading her to the bed, laying next to her, letting my eyes linger over every inch of her, just soaking in her beauty. I never wanted anyone as much as I wanted Lorrie in those first few moments, and that is oh so much more true even today.

It was all so easy, so natural, so the way making love was meant to be. There was no awkardness, no clumsiness, no "this is kind of gross" feelings...LOL. OMG, making love with this woman was and is the most natural and amazing thing in the world!

The want, the desire, the passion that had all built up over the past weeks of emails and phone calls and day dreams was allowed to FINALLY flow freely from both of us!!! It was and still is absolutely amazing the way Rebecca can make me feel from the tips of my toes to the inside of my soul!!

Nothing ever felt so right to me as being there with her, making love to her, and it was really love by then, so much, much more than just sex. I was one with her, I knew every movement and every reaction before she even had it. I felt as if I had touched her soul and I knew she had touched mine. I could not get enough of her. I still can't.

It was so much more than sex! Just sex wouldn't have left me laying next to her wondering where she had been my whole life. There was and still is such a connection that is difficult to put words to, it is amazing! I had never felt anything like that and I couldn't wait to make her feel that way again and again and again and again...oh, you get the idea!!

My whole world was wrapped up in her until finally, she had to go back to her hotel to get ready for her training. It was nearly 5:30 am and it seemed like only minutes had passed.

It really did feel like a matter of minutes, but it was about 9 hours!!! ...and yes, damn...I had to go to a training class in the morning (or in a couple of hours, lol). How was I going to do that when all I wanted to do was stay there with Rebecca and learn more about this wonderful and amazing woman that made me feel things physically and emotionally that I had never felt before!!

I drove her to her hotel in nearly total silence. I suspected she wanted to see me again, (duh) and I sure knew I wanted to see more of her. Lorrie told me what time the training was finished, and I asked her if she wanted to do something later on that evening. She told me she had to make sure the other person from work didn't already have plans for them, (one of the men she worked with was also taking the training, but Lorrie told him an old friend lived in Reno) and that she would call me when it was finished, and yes she wanted to see me again, I could join her and her co-worker if I wanted to. Of course I did. I drove home in a wonderful haze and finally fell asleep for a few hours, dreaming of seeing her again.

Lorrie called that afternoon to tell me that her co-worker had discovered "Blackjack," and was going to play all night (Yea Reno!!!) so she was free and wanted come over again. We spent the evening together, only this time managed to venture out for a very late dinner. I got us lost downtown for a little bit on the way home. I have lived in this town for more than 20 years and two days with Lorrie and I didn't know which way was up!!!

But I knew I was madly in love with her. Yes, the So Very God Damn Rational Rebecca had fallen head over heels in love by email, phone and two short nights together. I knew she was going home in three days to her children, husband and lived 2653 miles away. Obviously I had lost my mind. But it was just my heart I lost after all.

Continuing.......(Lorrie and the kids are off for the weekend, so don't get too impatient OK?)

(You may read the continuing story of More Than 3000 emails - 2000 phone calls by clicking on Part I, Part II and Part III and Part IV)

It Takes More Than 3000 Emails........(continued)

2009-06-25T11:02:00.000-07:00

(You may read the continuing story of More Than 3000 emails - 2000 phone calls by clicking on Part I, Part II and Part III and Part IV)

From the beginning of our correspondence, Lorrie had made it perfectly clear what her motivations were, she needed to find out what it was like to be with a woman, that she was married and wished to remain so, that once she got this out of her system, she would then be able to live the rest of her life happily heterosexual. And she emphatically stated that she was honest with her husband about everything. And she was. He did know pretty much from the start what was going on.

Yes, I wanted sex, sex and more sex!!!! LOL! I was just in the beginning of trying to figure "me" out. Even though I had known for years that I was attracted to women, I really thought that if I just had this experience I could get back to living the so called "normal life" that I had chosen so many years before. Little did I know that just by getting to know Rebecca on the phone and through many, many emails it had already turned into so much more than just sex! I only knew this woman from a distance and was already so attracted and connected to her!

And yes, I did tell my husband pretty much everything. I'm sure I left a lot of the details out, but he knew what was going on.

My motivations were a bit more fuzzy. After reading her first emails, I liked her a whole lot. I wanted to at least keep in touch with her because we shared so many of the same experiences. I liked talking to her on the phone too. I did accept that maybe we would just be friends for a while or even for the rest of our lives, but really we would just be friends in the end. When we started talking about the sexual side of things, I knew I hoped there was a possibility we were going to be intimate, I really found myself extremely (totally, completely and entirely) attracted to her, but it still was never really guaranteed.

I wouldn't say I thought it was a guarantee that we were going to be intimate, but I did think there was a very great possibility!! After all, we had talked about it and wrote about it in great detail...and there was definitely a big spark present!!

It certainly bothered me a lot that she was married and that she lived so far away. I told Lorrie that part of the relationship was entirely up to her, I would not make the first move in that direction. I never wanted her to feel pressured by me into sharing her first time. She let me know right from the beginning that if we did, it would be short term, maybe two nights out of the week she was to be here.

Me make the first move...yikes!!!!!! LOL! Sexually I don't think I had ever made the first move before, but maybe that was because the previous moves were being made towards men. I knew I wanted to make the first move! I knew I couldn't be intimate with Rebecca and then just walk away and never talk to her again. I figured we would maintain some sort of long distance friendship. Wow, what a long distance friendship and much much more it turned out to be!!

When she walked into the bar, immediately, the electricity between us was palpable. My brain did start to work finally and we started talking. The time in the bar is a blur in my mind, I remember being so nervous, I could barely look at her after she sat down, afraid she would see too much in my own face and scare her away. I know we made small talk about how great it was to finally meet each other and had another drink. All the wonderful things about her in her emails and phone calls were definitely there in person, making the crush I had on her already deepen. Finally, all I was really doing was hoping and waiting for her to ask to go back to my place.

So I asked her if she wanted another drink, praying that she would say no, let's go....

I don't remember much of the small talk either. I think we were pretty much the only ones in the bar at that time, it was early in the evening. I remember remarking that Monday night football was on already; back east it wouldn't be on until 8 or 9pm. (6pm Reno time) I know we talked in the bar for about 20 minutes or so and then when Rebecca ask me if I wanted another drink, I said.....

"No, I think I want to go to your place...." I caught my breath, at last, "OK, let's go"

There had been many smiles and smirks (smirks? I smirked? I thought they were very meaningful looks, damn, just smirks.......) and looks that made me think that maybe Rebecca was ready to go too! (Oh YEAH BABY!!) We made our way to the car and took off for her place. This I will never forget....we both put our elbows on the console in the middle...our elbows touched...OMG, the electricity I felt go through me was absolutely amazing!!! It wasn't at all like static electricity, it was as if lightning struck! And it struck hard!

My place was about 15 minutes from the Airport, (within the city of Reno everywhere is about 15 minutes from the airport, I kid you not.) I made it in 5. Once we were in the door, I got nervous again, I wasn't all that experienced in this sort of thing myself, so I asked her if she wanted some wine? No. I asked if she wanted tea? No. I went to pour myself a glass of wine, thinking that I really should kiss her, I want to kiss her very much, when I felt her hand on the crook of my arm, I turned, looked into her eyes, smiled, and then she kissed me....

Lightly at first, and I returned it in kind, then we kissed more intensely and that's the moment when the rest of the world dropped away, time stopped and there was only Lorrie and I, our passion and our need remaining...

(yup, leaving you hanging again...while we talk more about exactly what to say next)

To be continued again..........

It Takes More Than 3000 Emails..........

2009-06-24T17:16:00.000-07:00

Lorrie and I have talked about blogging about what it has taken to maintain a relationship for nearly 3 years while living 2,653 miles apart. (that's door to door by the way according to Google Maps) Wow, that is a long way away!! But there are so many times I can feel you right next to me!

We thought it might be fun to tell you how it started and what it has been like from both points of view.
Lorrie's text in blue
Rebecca's text in dark purple

The Beginning

Lorrie and I began communicating with each other after she sent me an email on Friend Finders. I signed up to meet lesbians in Reno without going to the one gay bar I knew of at the time, I hoped to make friends and maybe find someone special, I didn't know at the time that I would meet my true love, my partner and my soulmate all at once.

Since Lorrie was from PA, not Reno, her email went to my filtered folder, I saw it there and was going to delete it. But I read it instead. (I have thanked Rebecca many times for digging me out of her filtered folder!) Her feelings of being attracted to women all her life, that she was married, had never acted on it, could not deny the feelings any longer was eerily familiar. I didn't know how many of us were out there at that time, I knew about me, and had heard stories of women leaving their husbands to be who they really were before, but I didn't KNOW any one else. So I emailed her back. And she wrote more to me.

Yes, I know you are all thinking why was Lorrie emailing women in Reno. Well let me reemphasize the line above; I could not deny the feelings of being attracted to women and I needed to act on them! I don't think I am alone in the thought that I had; if I just acted on this desire and "got it out of my system" I could somehow find a way to be happily heterosexual again. Don't all laugh at once!! And after all, a business trip to Reno was the perfect opportunity. OK, we are both a little embarrassed how we met, can you tell? LOL. But not sorry at all....

Our first few emails told each other about ourselves. Our families, her husband, my ex, our kids, our jobs. She told me she would be flying to Reno on business in about 6 weeks. Lorrie wanted to know what it had been like for me with my first woman, when did I first have feelings for other women, you know, all the usual things two women talk about. I really liked her already from her emails, she was open and honest, friendly and warm, they were like a lot of her posts actually. I felt like we were right there talking, face to face. It was easy to say I would like to meet her when she came to town.

Rebecca's story of her first experience with a woman is a pretty good one, she will have to tell all of you sometime, lol! I think NOT, I don't even remember it anymore anyway....

We started talking on the phone shortly after that. Well, it was more Lorrie would talk and I would try to answer at first. I didn't used to be much of a phone talker. I seem to need to look at someone to really talk to them. But Lorrie was a trooper, constantly asking me questions to draw me out. Telling me things about her life and what she liked to do, so I could answer her in kind. It wasn't that hard really, right from the start, she could make me laugh. Just the way she looked at life and things, it was so much like my own sarcastic sense of humor. The humor got me talking back to her and finally she got me to the point where it is so easy for me to talk to her about anything, on the phone or in person.

Now, can any of you believe this?! Isn't it hard to believe that the woman that can go on and on in her blogs (not that that is a bad thing and it IS very educational)(educational = boring...) would only give me one or two word answers to my questions at first! So then I decided I would go to the interview technique of asking open ended questions; you know, like "so Rebecca, if we ever get to meet face to face, what would you like to do.......to me?" OK, so I didn't ask that question until at least the third phone call, lol! (Yeah, that question shocked me too, she seemed so.....so proper!)

I couldn't wait to meet her in the weeks before she was to arrive. When we started emailing I had just moved into my new tiny apartment, and I had only kitchenware in it. I had been trying to furnish the place but was also wanting to fill it with things that I would love so I was taking my time, I was sleeping on the floor, had no where to sit, my dresser was still cardboard boxes, I had the laptop hooked up and a TV.......you get the idea.

Now, I had to move my furniture schedule up, and after all those phone calls, emails and questions, I figured the first piece of furniture I better get was a bed!

We really did hit it off on the phone. It was (eventually) very easy to talk to one another, about everything and anything. We had had similar experiences in our marriages and dealing with heterosexual sex; but we also had wonderful conversations about our kids, our jobs, our hobbies...just anything that came up. I could not wait to meet her in person and it had turned into so much more than just a possible hookup with a woman.

So yes, the phone calls were nice but let me tell you the emails took a turn for the hot, hot , HOT!!!!! I think if we dig out some of those old emails we could write a very juicy lesbian romance novel!!

Sooooooo THE DAY Lorrie was to arrive was upon us. I cleaned the apartment, went and bought some pink roses and got ready to meet her. I put the roses in water, took one out to give to her and left.

I was as nervous as could be, we had decided to meet in one of the bars in the hotel she was staying at later that evening after she landed. I got to the hotel early, and discovered the "bar" was really in the middle of the casino floor, LOL. OMG NO WAY!!! I called her up, and she asked if I could find another one that was more private, she was getting ready and would be down shortly. (I am not big on casinos so I didn't really know the place very well.) I hunted around and found one that was good sized and hardly anyone was there at all. I called her and let her know where I was, bought a drink, and sat down in a lovely oversized easy chair to wait. For about 20 minutes. Sweating. Will she show up? What if she changes her mind, chickens out? OMG what the hell am I DOING HERE???

The days before leaving for my business trip to Reno I could almost not contain myself. I felt like a little girl going to Disneyland for the first time! I kept having to remind myself that I was going there to go to a training class for some silly robotic system at work and not to finally meet this wonderful woman I had been talking to and getting closer and closer to for weeks now.

I tried to amuse myself on the plane ride out west; I even took my sons old Gameboy along. Nothing would take my thoughts off of meeting Rebecca, seeing her face to face, being in the same room with her!

After I made it to the hotel, I showered and started to get ready for our big "date". I was so nervous. I briefly, very briefly considered not going down to the bar. I remember looking in the mirror and saying to myself "Lorrie you really like this woman and already have a good relationship with her; just go downstairs and have a good time!"

Once I walked in the bar and saw Rebecca waiting for me in the big comfy chair with drink in hand and one waiting for me (yes, of course she knew what I liked to drink, we had talked about it) everything just fell into place. EVERYTHING JUST FELL INTO PLACE!!!

And then this tall, amazing blond walks in, and I know it is her, she's here, SHE SHOWED UP! I could feel the biggest smile ever form on my face when I saw her, and then my brain lost it.... OhIhopeshelikesmewhatifshedoesn'tstandupstandupshakeherhandnogiveherahugwhatshouldIdoohhelp!!!
We are leaving you hanging right here.....to be continued of course!

(You may read the continuing story of More Than 3000 emails - 2000 phone calls by clicking on Part I, Part II and Part III and Part IV)

6 reasons to forgive yourself

2009-06-20T11:47:00.000-07:00

I ran across this on the Huffington Post last night while the boys were having an all night RIFTS gaming party type thing with 6 of their friends, it is by self help gurus Ed and Deb Shapiro.

I don't know about the rest of you but I sure have a problem sometimes forgiving myself about things. I am my own worst critic. I have learned how to forgive others and even cut ties with people that continue to hurt me, but not so easy for when it is me beating up myself. Amy, whose blog, Making Space, had wonderful thoughts on "not touching the hot stove anymore."

So I think I needed to really see this last night. I wouldn't normally read a post like that on the HuffPo, but they titled it Dinner With Monica Lewinsky, lol. Well.......I HAD to read that! I am glad it wasn't really about Monica after all.

1. We are not who we were yesterday
Within the space of seven years every cell in our body dies and is reformed, our thoughts are constantly changing and our feelings come and go. We are literally not the same person we were a minute ago, let alone a day, a month or a year ago. As we are no longer who we were when we did the deed, so we can bring forgiveness and hold our past self with kindness and compassion.

2. Forgiveness is not the same as forgetting
Inside us is the equivalent of an airplane's black box: everything we have been through is logged in, whether we are aware of it or not. So forgetting something is not really an option. No matter how hard we try, it will always be lurking around the corner, waiting to drag our emotions down again. On the other hand, forgiveness accepts the presence of the dreaded deed, it looks it full in the face and says, 'Yes, I know you. Now let's have tea together and get to know each other a bit better.'

3. We can learn so much from our mistakes
By getting to know who we were we have the chance to learn from what we did. We can become our own greatest teacher by seeing how mistaken we can be, even when we fully believe we are right. Mistakes show us we are human. If we do not acknowledge our blunders then we are not only blind to our own failings, but we are also much more likely to repeat them.

4. I am ok but I don't always get it right
Forgiving ourselves is not the same as forgiving what we did. A bad or rotten act is just that, and no amount of forgiveness will change it. But nor does constantly blaming ourselves. For instance, Monica made some obvious mistakes - but to continually blame herself will get her nowhere fast. What we can do is to really accept what we did while forgiving that part of us that was unaware of what we were doing or how it would impact other people; the part that just doesn't always get it right.

5. Accepting ourselves, warts and all
When we do something wrong or hurtful we tend to beat ourselves up, to try to find redemption through shame, remorse, and even self-hatred. "I am such an idiot," "My stupidity ruined everything," "I am a hopeless human being." Forgiving ourselves is the opposite. It is a radical acceptance of ourselves just as we are, mistakes and all, so that we can know ourselves more deeply and honestly. And because, in the long run, it is only through such self-acceptance that we are free to love and laugh again. Remember: Angels can fly because they take themselves lightly!

6. Letting go of the drama queen
This is one of the hardest things to do, but holding onto the story and the details of that happened is actually like a smokescreen that clouds our mind and stops us from seeing that we are more than the event, that whatever we did is not the whole of us. We can put the story down. We do not have to hold on to it, or keep repeating it in our minds. We can say: "I made a mistake, but I am not the guilt, I am not the mistake, I am not the failure, it is not the whole of me."

Forgiving ourselves is an ongoing process. Every time we criticize or blame ourselves for being hopeless, useless, wrong, stupid, for all the self-dislike and self-denial, for believing we deserve the bad things that happen, that we must have done something wrong to be so abused, for thinking we should have known better, that it was all our own fault, that we were asking for it, for rejecting ourselves, for abandoning ourselves, for ignoring or denying our own needs and feelings, we can simply say, "I forgive myself." We do not need to create more guilt, shame, or blame--the world has enough already.

Here is a little practice you can do. Sitting quietly, aware of your breathing, silently repeat, "Whether through my words or my actions, if I have created suffering for another, I forgive myself. If I have created suffering for myself, I forgive myself. May I be happy, may I be filled with forgiveness and love."

So glad PA Senator John Eichelberger is Allowing Us To Exist

2009-06-20T01:43:00.000-07:00

Have seen this on a number of places today: PA State Senator John Eichelberger, who introduced a bill that would amend the Pennsylvania constitution to define marriage as being between only a woman and a man, told Philadelphia radio station WHYY today that gays are “They're [gays] not being punished. We’re allowing them to exist, and do what every American can do. We’re just not rewarding them with any special designation.”

Keystone Progress, has created a petition demanding an apology.

Below is a partial transcript from the show:

21:15
Leach: How would he [Eichelberger] want to encourage stability in gay couples?

Eichelberger: I wouldn’t. I mean they can practice whatever sexual activity they like to practice, but there’s no reason to give them special consideration. We don’t give them special consideration in Pennsylvania for any reason. Why in the world would we allow them to marry?

22:05
Leach: How would he want to encourage stability in gay couples?

Eichelberger: There is no reason to encourage that type of behavior in Pennsylvania.

24:20
Eichelberger: That comes back to the definition of family and that’s where we differ. We can call all kinds of things families. I mean, we can say a 3 party marriage is a family, or 7 or 8 people or marrying younger and younger children these days .

25:00
Host: Are you saying that by their very nature homosexual relationships are dysfunctional?

Eichelberger: [Pause] Ummmm. I guess I would say that. I would say that.

38:50
Eichelberger: This changes the definition of marriage, allowing same-sex, and then like I said, 5-10 years from now it’ll be polygamy, marrying younger people, it’ll be whatever…It won’t be a 6 year old, it’ll be a 15 year old, then it’ll be a 14 year old, then it’ll be a 13 year old.

49:40
Leach: Should our only policy towards [same-sex] couples be one of punishment, to somehow prove that they’ve done something wrong?

Eichelberger: They’re not being punished. We’re allowing them to exist, and do what every American can do. We’re just not rewarding them with any special designation.

It is worth hearing the entire broadcast as State Senator Daylin Leach, a Democrat representing Montgomery County, who has introduced a bill to amend the Pennsylvania ban on same-sex marriage to offer “full and equal marriage rights” to same-sex couples, voices wonderful truths.

cross posted from Blogging For Truth

What are the Odds?

2009-06-17T19:12:00.000-07:00

Remember when you first realized you were gay. Remember thinking…. I am married….I have a family…… Why did it take me so long to figure this out?…. I must be the only person going through this.

Of course we all came to realize that we were not the only ones going through this. We found numerous message boards, blogs and support groups online where we found support from complete strangers that have grown to be friends.

Imagine finding out that somebody in your own immediate family is going through the same thing!

Whenever I would get together with my sister-in-law (I will refer to her as Gail), we would discuss generalities of what was going on in our lives but rarely discuss specifics. Finally one day we decided that we needed to go out for drinks and tell all! I told her that my story would blow hers out of the water. She laughed and said “No way, mine will beat yours hands down!”

I had a suspicion of what her story was as I always thought her husband (I will refer to him as Dan) was gay. So I figured we both had pretty much the same story but with a gay husband as opposed to a lesbian wife…

Well, I was right! We met for drinks and Gail announced that “I have a boyfriend and so does Dan!”.
I respond with “I have a girlfriend!” (At that time my H didn’t have a girlfriend.)

So, what are the odds that in the same family two couples could get married, have families and then have one spouse realize many years later that they are gay? (By the way, both Gail and Dan and H and I have been married for 19 years…we got married within 6 months of one another.) I would have to say the odds are not great…but it happened.

It has been wonderful confiding in Gail. Even though she is on the opposite side of the situation in her relationship (the straight spouse), she has been so supportive and we have had some great times going out and telling all! We have been able to be each others therapists and the only cost has been a lot of drinks and a lot of laughs…..along with a ton of understanding!!!

My ten cents on the Dallas Principles

2009-06-17T01:03:00.000-07:00

I don't know if our followers have seen the Dallas Principles or not, but they seem to have caused quite the commotion in our community when they came out. I received an email shortly after they were posted on the web so I went and checked it out, I read it, and here is what it said:

On May 15-17, 2009 in Dallas, Texas twenty-four thinkers, activists, and donors gathered to discuss the immediate need for full equality for lesbian, gay, bisexual transgender people in the United States. Collectively we prepared The Dallas Principles.

The following eight guiding principles underlie our call to action.

In order to achieve full civil rights now, we avow:

1.Full civil rights for lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender individuals must be enacted now. Delay and excuses are no longer acceptable.

2.We will not leave any part of our community behind.

3.Separate is never equal.

4.Religious beliefs are not a basis upon which to affirm or deny civil rights.

5.The establishment and guardianship of full civil rights is a non-partisan issue.

6.Individual involvement and grassroots action are paramount to success and must be encouraged.

7.Success is measured by the civil rights we all achieve, not by words, access or money raised.

8.Those who seek our support are expected to commit to these principles.

Looked good to me so I signed up. Nice principles to blog by, to remember as I write to my state and federal representatives, you know, principles to be activists by.

So what is there to cause a commotion about? I guess some folks wondered why they weren't invited to be part of the 24, some were offended that the 24 took it upon themselves to do this, rather uppity don't you think? Others wanted to know why this wasn't put up somewhere for us to vote on and others don't like the way some of the 24 have fought for our rights in the past, and some didn't like that they weren't all from Dallas.

After reading some posts and comments, I had to pause and think this through for myself.......and then do what I love....research. In researching, I found out that the 24 see each other at activist functions, email and communicate. They all agreed not much was getting done by the big money LGBT organizations, they had all noticed that our grass roots efforts were getting far more accomplished with far less money. And yes, some of them were from organizations that haven't gotten much done in the past. So, they decided to meet and talk about it. They met in Dallas, (if they had decided to meet in Reno, they would be called the Reno Principles. They might have picked Philadelphia, cause The Philadelphia Principles sounds kind of Constitutional and has a nice freedom like ring to it, but I digress.)

No, they didn't put them to a vote, but then we would all still be arguing about them and wanting our personal favorites in there to this very day. It would be 2010 and we would still be debating them. Face it, that's how it goes isn't it? I don't know what else could have been added frankly. And maybe they figured no one else was jumping on this idea, so why shouldn't they? Hell I blogged once about these very things on The Blend, (no, I didn't invent the ideas,) but then I sure didn't do anything to put them into action did I? They did, they didn't just say we should do this, they acted on it.

Now about those pesky activists who were on the wrong bandwagon for a while. Well, maybe they saw the light? I hope so. I would like to think they now have something to remind them if they ever feel like going that route again. If not we can remind them.

Now here is where things could have been done a little better (in my humble opinion), if you go to the website, what I have copied and pasted is pretty much what you will see there, plus some quotes and a couple of videos, if you click on the Click Here, you go to the sign up page. There, you have signed the Dallas Principles. But it doesn't tell you anything more really. "was that it? Now what do I do?" But there is a whole lot more to those principles, more gets explained if you would have clicked on the PDF link. But I have learned from experience, that link doesn't get clicked on because folks think it is just the 8 principles and they clicked to sign up and away they go to another page that still just has the 8 main principles. Just like I did. The first time I went to the page I never even saw the PDF link. I never saw it until today actually, and I clicked on it. My first thought was, why wasn't this on the front page all along?

That PDF link leads you to the whole document. It is 3 pages long. The whole document gives you a better idea that their intention was not to form a new organization, but to pull together all of the ones already out there plus us independent types, under one set of guiding principles. To encourage those of us that use the new social media to get the word out on rallies, protests or what else we might be organizing.

So, because you all know I love the long posts, here is the WHOLE Dallas Principles without clicking anything else:
(And if this isn't enough on the Huffington Post, Lane Hudson explains it a little more.)

THE DALLAS PRINCIPLES

PREAMBLE

President Obama and Congress pledged to lead America in a new direction that included civil rights for lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender Americans. We now sit at a great moment in our history that inspires the nation to return to its highest ideals and greatest promise. We face a historic opportunity to obtain our full civil rights; this is the moment for change. No delay. No excuses.

Nearly forty years ago, a diverse group of lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender people stood up to injustice at the Stonewall Inn in New York City. In doing so, they submitted themselves to bodily harm and criminal prosecution. Their demand was simple -- equal protection under the law.

Still today, full civil rights has eluded the same community that rioted forty years ago. Instead, untold sums of resources have been spent to divide our nation and turn our lives into a political football.

At several junctures in American history, the stars have aligned to deliver the promise of equal protection under the law to those previously denied. At this unique time in history, our nation must once again exercise the great tradition of making its people equal.

Justice has too long been delayed. A clear path toward full civil equality for the LGBT community is overdue and must come now.

Using fear and misunderstanding to justify discrimination is no longer acceptable in this nation. Those content with the way things are will be judged harshly by history. Those who do not actively advance these ideals or offer excuses will be judged just as harshly. Those who attempt to divide our community or to delay and deny action on civil equality, waiting for the right moment to arrive, will be held accountable.

We reject the idea that honoring the founding principles of our country is controversial. We believe in the inherent human dignity of all people. No longer will we submit our children, our family, our friends and ourselves as a political tool for any Party or ideology. A new day has arrived.

PRINCIPLES

The following eight guiding principles underlie our call to action. In order to achieve full civil rights now, we avow:

1. Full civil rights for lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender individuals must be enacted now. Delay and excuses are no longer acceptable.
2. We will not leave any part of our community behind.
3. Separate is never equal.
4. Religious beliefs are not a basis upon which to affirm or deny civil rights.
5. The establishment and guardianship of full civil rights is a non-partisan issue.
6. Individual involvement and grassroots action are paramount to success and must be encouraged.
7. Success is measured by the civil rights we all achieve, not by words, access or money raised.
8. Those who seek our support are expected to commit to these principles.

FULL CIVIL RIGHTS GOALS

Being united by common principles and engaging in united action, we will achieve the following goals:

1. DIGNITY AND EQUALITY. Every lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender person has inherent dignity and worth, and has the right to live free of discrimination and harassment.
2. FAMILY. Every LGBT person has the right to a family without legal barriers to immigration, civil marriage or raising children.
3. ECONOMIC OPPORTUNITY. Every LGBT person has the right to economic opportunity free from discrimination in employment, public housing, accommodation, public facilities, credit, and federally funded programs and activities.
4. EDUCATION. Every LGBT child and youth has the right to an education that is affirming, inclusive and free from bullying.
5. NATIONAL SECURITY. Every LGBT person should have the opportunity to serve our country openly and equally in our military and foreign service.
6. CRIME. Every LGBT person should enjoy life protected against bias crimes.
7. HEALTH CARE. Every person should have access to affordable, high quality, and culturally competent health care without discrimination.

CALL TO ACTION

1. We demand that government officials act now to achieve full civil rights without delay.
2. Our organizations and individuals need to develop a collaborative and revolutionary new organizing model that mobilizes millions of supporters through emerging web and phone technologies.
3. All LGBT individuals must accept personal responsibility to do everything within their power for equality and should get involved in the movement by volunteering, giving and being out.
4. We will hold elected officials and our organizations accountable for being transparent and achieving full civil rights by active participation when possible and active opposition when necessary.
5. Our allies need to be proactive in public support for full civil rights.
6. Every government measure that quantifies the US citizenry must permit LGBT individuals to self-identify and be counted in every way citizens are counted.
7. We demand that the media present LGBT lives in fair, accurate and objective ways that neither include nor give credence to unsubstantiated, discriminatory claims and opinions.

If you haven't joined or didn't understand it before, you can Click Here, and sign up if you want. You don't even have to do anything else at all. Just let your voice be heard in one more way that you want full equality.

“To be afraid is to behave as if the truth were not true.” - Bayard Rustin

The Annual Boob Squishing!

2009-06-15T20:29:00.001-07:00

Now don't you think that if we have to subject ourselves to an annual squishing of our boobs, at least the woman handling and arranging our boobs on the plate should be required to be hot and sexy!!!! This should be a job requirement for a mammogram technician :)

Pride Challenge: Stonewall 40 Years Later

2009-06-15T10:53:00.000-07:00

Kelly, who has a blog called Rambling Along, has a yearly Pride Challenge....The idea is to get as many bloggers to post his picture and write on the theme.
This year's theme is Stonewall, 40 years later.

Before Stonewall, 49 states outlawed homosexuality and at least two states could imprison or send you to a mental hospital you for your entire life for being openly gay. Those two states were California and Pennsylvania. If you were gay at the time, not only would you fear arrest, but you could be fired from your job, denied housing and services at businesses, there was no way you could adopt a child if you were out, no way anyone would legally recognize your relationship. There was one church that you could attend that was affirming, and only if you lived in Southern California: The Metropolitian Community Church who's first service was a gathering of 12 people in Rev. Troy Perry's living room in Huntington Park, California on October 6, 1968.

Since 1969 we have made strides but there is still a way to go. Let's look at what has been accomplished and what needs to be done:

Workplace discrimination protections:
In 2009 there are currently 12 states and Washington DC that prohibit discrimination in the work place, based on sexual orientation and gender identity. They are: California, Colorado, District of Columbia, Illinois, Iowa, Maine, Minnesota, New Jersey, New Mexico, Oregon, Rhode Island, Vermont and Washington.

There are 8 additional states that prohibit discrimination based on sexual orientation in addition to those above: Connecticut, Hawaii , Maryland, Massachusetts, Nevada, New Hampshire, New York, and Wisconsin.

There have been 5 state courts, commissions, agencies, or attorney generals that have interpreted the existing law to include some protection against discrimination against transgender individuals in Connecticut, Florida, Hawaii, Massachusetts and New York. Bringing the total to 20 states that offer some protections against discrimination in the workplace.

There are 30 states that allow your sexual or gender identity to be used as an excuse to fire you.

Relationships
There are 6 states that issue marriage licenses to same-sex couples: Connecticut (2008), Iowa (2009), Maine * (effective Sept. 2009), Massachusetts (2004), New Hampshire (effective 1/1/2010) and Vermont (effective 9/1/2009).

One state recognizes marriages by same-sex couples legally entered into in another jurisdiction
New York (2008)

5 states and Washington DC with a law providing the equivalent of state-level spousal rights to same-sex couples within the state: California (domestic partnerships, 1999, expanded in 2005), District of Columbia (domestic partnerships, 2002), Nevada (domestic partnerships, effective 10/1/2009), New Jersey (civil unions, 2007), Oregon (domestic partnerships, 2008) and Washington * (domestic partnerships, 2007/2009).

One state provides some statewide spousal rights to same-sex couples within the state Hawaii (reciprocal beneficiaries, 1997).

29 states with constitutional amendments restricting marriage to one man and one woman: Alabama (2006), Alaska (1998), Arizona (2008), Arkansas (2004), California (2008), Colorado, Florida (2008), Georgia (2004), Kansas (2005), Idaho (2006), Kentucky (2004), Louisiana (2004), Michigan (2004), Mississippi (2004), Missouri (2004), Montana (2004), Nebraska (2000), Nevada (2002), North Dakota (2004), Ohio (2004), Oklahoma (2004), Oregon (2004), South Carolina (2006), South Dakota (2006), Tennessee (2006), Texas (2005), Utah (2004), Virginia(2006) and Wisconsin (2006).

States with law, not amendment, restricting marriage to one man and one woman. (11 states) Delaware, Hawaii, Illinois, Indiana, Maryland, Minnesota, North Carolina, Pennsylvania, Washington, West Virginia and Wyoming.

Bullying
To protect our LGBT Youth, there are 9 states and Washington D.C. with laws that addresses discrimination, harassment and/or bullying of students based on sexual orientation and gender identity: California (2002), District of Columbia (2001), Iowa (2007), Maine (2005), Maryland (2008), Minnesota (1993), New Jersey (2002), Vermont (2001/2007), Washington (2002/2009) and Oregon (2007).

There are 4 additional states with law that addresses discrimination, harassment and/or bullying of students based on sexual orientation alone. Connecticut (2001), Massachusetts (2002), New York (2003), and Wisconsin (2001).

There are only 3 states with school regulation or ethical code for teachers that addresses discrimination, harassment and/or bullying of students based on sexual orientation. New Mexico (regulation), Pennsylvania (regulation) and Utah (code of ethics).

There are 21 additional states that prohibit bullying in schools but list no categories of protection. Alaska, Arizona, Arkansas, Colorado, Delaware, Florida, Georgia, Illinois, Kentucky, Louisiana, Missouri, Nevada, New Hampshire, Ohio, Oklahoma, Rhode Island, South Carolina, Tennessee, Texas, Virginia and West Virginia.

There are 17 states that do not protect our children from bullying in any form.

Hate Crime Inclusion
12 states have a law that addresses hate or bias crimes based on sexual orientation and
gender identity. California (1999), Colorado (2005), Connecticut (2004), District of Columbia (1989), Hawaii (2003), Maryland (2005), Minnesota (1993), Missouri (2001), New Jersey (2002/ 2008), New Mexico (2003), Oregon (2001/2008), Washington (1993/2009) and Vermont (2001).

19 states that have a law that addresses hate or bias crimes based on sexual orientation alone are: Arizona (2003), Delaware (2001), Florida (2001), Illinois (2001), Iowa (2002), Kansas (2002), Kentucky (2001), Louisiana (2002), Maine (2001), Massachusetts (2002), Michigan (2002-data collection only), Nebraska (2002), Nevada (2001), New Hampshire (2002), New York (2002), Rhode Island (2001), Tennessee (2001), Texas (2002), and Wisconsin (2002).

There are 19 states that do not have hate crime laws that include LGBT

Adoption
States where same-sex couples can jointly petition to adopt statewide. (10 states and D.C.) California, Connecticut, District of Columbia, Illinois, Indiana, Maine, Massachusetts, New Jersey, New York, Oregon and Vermont.

States where same-sex couples have successfully petitioned to adopt in some jurisdictions. (2 states) Nevada and New Hampshire.

Same-sex couples are prohibited from adopting in Florida, Mississippi and Utah. State courts in Michigan have ruled that unmarried individuals may not jointly petition to adopt. Florida is the only state that explicitly prohibits all GLB people, whether individuals or couples, from adopting. On Nov. 4, 2008, Arkansas voters approved a statutory ban on adoption and foster parenting by unmarried individuals cohabiting with a sexual partner.” State courts have ruled that second-parent adoptions are not available under current law in Kentucky, Nebraska, Ohio and Wisconsin.

There are 38 states that either do not allow adoption or have not ruled on out LGBT persons to adopt, but have no prohibitions.

Housing
14 states and the District of Columbia have passed laws that provide protection from discrimination in housing – only 4 include transgender persons.
California (includes transgender), Connecticut, Hawaii, Maryland, Massachusetts, Minnesota (includes transgender), Nevada, New Hampshire, New Jersey, New Mexico (includes transgender), New York, Rhode Island (includes transgender), Vermont and Wisconsin

36 states allow landlords to discriminate against LGBT persons.

Our progress at the federal level: (Courtesy of Bill Clinton and upheld by Barack Obama)

DOMA The defense of marriage act. The following excerpts are the main provisions of the Act:

Powers reserved to the states: No State, territory, or possession of the United States, or Indian tribe, shall be required to give effect to any public act, record, or judicial proceeding of any other State, territory, possession, or tribe respecting a relationship between persons of the same sex that is treated as a marriage under the laws of such other State, territory, possession, or tribe, or a right or claim arising from such relationship.

Definition of 'marriage' and 'spouse': In determining the meaning of any Act of Congress, or of any ruling, regulation, or interpretation of the various administrative bureaus and agencies of the United States, the word 'marriage' means only a legal union between one man and one woman as husband and wife, and the word 'spouse' refers only to a person of the opposite sex who is a husband or a wife.

Op Ed at AWOP on DOMA and Obama

DADT: Don't Ask Don't Tell, you can die for your country but you can't have sex, you can't get married and you can't tell anyone. Even if you follow these guidelines, if someone rats you out, you get a dishonorable discharge. Over 75% of the American population believes this should be overturned, allowing gays to openly serve in the military. President Obama is one of the 25%

"Sexual orientation will not be a bar to service unless manifested by homosexual conduct. The military will discharge members who engage in homosexual conduct, which is defined as a homosexual act, a statement that the member is homosexual or bisexual, or a marriage or attempted marriage to someone of the same gender." - "The Pentagon's New Policy Guidelines on Homosexuals in the Military"

Religion

Today, there are thousands of gay affirming churches and temples across the United States, you may find one in your area by searching:

Buddhist: GayBuddhist.org
Catholics: DignityUSA
Hindu (Vaishnavas) The Gay and Lesbian Vaishnava Association
Jewish World Congress of Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, and Transgender Jews: Keshet Ga’avah
MCC Metropolitan Community Church
Muslim Al-Fatiha Foundation
General Protestant GayChurch.org
Quaker (Religious Society of Friends) Friends for Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, and Queer Concerns
Unity Association of Unity Churches
Unitarian Unitarian Universalism

Pride

Pride, to me, means I am no longer ashamed of being gay. I am no longer afraid to be who I am. It means I am free to feel for the first time in my life what true love is and to be able to return that love fully and know how it manages to transform one's whole life. It means that while I am still healing, still learning, I am no longer afraid of what the future brings. We may not be treated as full citizens of the United States, but we are already, we just need to come together and tell the ones who don't know it yet.

For the history of our community and those who have gone before us, visit the Gay, Lesbian, Bi-Sexual, Transgender And Queer Encyclopedia Online.

A Roman Holiday

2009-06-14T14:28:00.000-07:00

One of my favorite movies of all time is Roman Holiday, it also stars two of my favorite movie actors; Gregory Peck and Audrey Hepburn.

If you have seen this movie you know that it is about a princess visiting Italy, who escapes her boring, tiresome duties by sneaking out of her country's embassy into the city of Rome to find freedom for a night, though it turns into several days and nights.

Gregory Peck, playing a newspaper reporter finds her asleep on a park bench and ends up taking her home with him to sleep off what he thinks is a drunk. Later on he realizes she is the princess whom her embassy has said was sick. He thinks he is onto the story of his life and all the usual love story, poor boy, princess stuff follows.

Except it wasn't the usual story to me, mostly because of the performances by Hepburn and Peck. It wasn't the usual story because I so identified with the part Hepburn was playing and how she played it. I saw the embassy as society, and the princess as embodying the emotions, dreams and desires of us who do not fit societies norms.

You could feel her angst at being thrust into a position that was not one of her choosing. She is required to attend state dinners with bearded old men and their wives, she is constantly told how she should act and what to wear, even her pajamas are chosen for her. Her whole life is laid out for her, and her own thoughts and feelings are not taken into consideration and are even discounted.

The real personality of the princess is revealed on her "Roman Holiday." She is playful, funny and a free thinking young woman. But in the end she returns to the embassy and accepts what is expected of her. In the 50's there couldn't really have been a different ending for a movie.

How very much that is a reflection of my life growing up. How many of our lives were laid out for us and we didn't even know it. And we weren't even princesses. We were told either directly or indirectly that we could go to college if we wanted to, and maybe even have a career, but that we would eventually find a boy to marry and have children. Settle down and have a life. That was just the way it was going to be. There was no other way. Some of us might have snuck out the window like Hepburn's princess, and then returned to the embassy, wiser, sadder but grateful for a moment of freedom, but I wasn't brave enough to do even that.

I was thinking about this movie the other day because I ran across a quote by Audrey Hepburn - "I came out of the war [WWII] thankful to be alive, aware that human relationships are the most important thing of all - far more than wealth, food, luxury, careers or anything you can mention"

Ms. Hepburn had been in the Netherlands when the Nazis occupied it. Her mother and father had divorced in 1935. Both parents were members of the British Union of Fascists at that time.
During the war she suffered malnutrition and developed a life long case of anemia. She saw many of the atrocities of the Nazis first hand, including the trains taking the Jews to the camps, and yet she never became bitter towards life, instead using her money and influence to help people and especially children, all over the world worse off than she.

I'm still Alive....and still in Love!

2009-06-12T20:42:00.000-07:00

Yes, I still exist....Life sometimes seem to take over doesn't it and there doesn't seem to be time to sit down and blog. And when there is time to sit down and blog, I end up sitting down and falling asleep!

Busy with work, things have picked up quite a bit in the lab after a slow winter. And now we are going through a reorganization so it will be interesting to see how everything works out with that.

My daughter was confirmed at church the end of May. It was a wonderful day, a nice church service followed by a family picnic at the house. She has grown up to be very beautiful and responsible and I am so very proud of her! Last night she started her first official job as a busser at a local fine dining restaurant; so I'm hoping for big tips for her because she sure likes to shop! Her lacrosse season recently ended and now field hockey practices have already started again!

My son is still keeping me busy running back and forth to his gymnastics team practice. He still loves it and he gets stronger by the week. Looking forward to watching him compete in the fall!

The last day of school is on Wednesday. This is the first summer I am not hiring a college student to hang out with the kids. I can't really call it babysit because the last couple of years I think she was being as much entertained by my kids as she was doing the entertaining; although she was there to break up the fights from time to time. So now I will see if it is possible for my 10 year old to listen to his 15 year old sister. It could be a long summer...

I am so looking forward to a little over five weeks from now...being in Reno with Rebecca!!!! For an entire seven days!!! OMG!! It is hard to think of anything else!!! Seven days together!!! For those of you that get to see your girl everyday, hold her everyday, talkto her face to face everyday, make love to her whenever you want, sit beside her and watch TV, eat dinner together and go to sleep together every night....don't take it for granted...enjoy it..enjoy each other every minute of every day!!!

I also have a trip to Vegas in August with friends and a wedding in the Outer Banks in September to look forward to!

So as busy and tiresome as life sometimes gets, there are still many many good moments; we just have to remember to slow down and enjoy them because sometimes the best moments happen when we least expect them!

The Not Yet Ex's, The Ex's And The Kids, part IV

2009-06-12T02:07:00.000-07:00

This series hopes to explore what our husbands and children go through when we decide to come out of the closet. Click here for Part I, Part II and Part III

All of our experiences in coming out have things in common as well as many differences, just as we have a before and after, our children also have a before and after. When we changed our lives, the lives of those closest to us were also changed forever.

As each child is different and in a different place, I think it might be best to listen to the voices of the kids themselves in this:

The first comments are by Abigail Garner, author of: Families Like Mine: Children of Gay Parents Tell It Like It Is. The following is her answer to "Isn’t it confusing and complicated for a young child to have two moms or two dads?"

Only when people tell them it’s confusing and complicated.

When my nephew was five, he was talking on the phone with my father and said, “Grampa, you weren’t home yesterday when I called so I talked to Grampa.” For my nephew, it is completely normal and acceptable to have two grandpas in one house who love him dearly. It gets complicated when a teacher, a friend, or a friend’s parent says, “That’s impossible. You can’t have two grampas in the same house. Which one is REALLY your grampa?” This situation happens time and time again for very young people who are not confused by the love that comes from their family. Speaking from experience, the younger children are when they learn a family member is LGBT, the more accepting they are.

What I knew as a child and what I still know is that I was always wanted and always loved by the caring adults who raised me. I have never doubted that for a second. To a child, there is NOTHING complicated or confusing about having parents who love them.

The struggles that typically come from having a LGBT parent are not because the parent(s) are LGBT, but because the children hear messages everyday that remind them that plenty of people question the validity of their families. This is understandably wearing and frustrating, but it is not the result of parents being LGBT. It is the result of living in a homophobic society.

Most of the quotes below are from queerspawn.community:

Juliana, whose father came out in 2005, believes her family lived a lie for decades.

James, my own son, also became angry at the lie because he felt that he and Kevin were not born of love but simply as a cover for my own sexuality. Kevin just hated the divorce.

Ryan Enschede, 34, was an adult when his parents divorced and his father came out as gay. “I think growing up I missed a male heterosexual role model, and I think I missed the role models of parents in a good relationship,” he says. “I think my growing-up experience has contributed to my adult feeling of being an outsider in our American culture.” Still, Enschede enjoys the vibe of being around gay men and maintains optimism about the power of queerspawn to transform the world. “We’re a large enough group to have some clout,” he says. “Our mere existence as a visible active group could force social/political change within the gay world which supports gay families, as well as the Religious Right world which condemns it.”

Cassie - "My name is Cassie, and my mom came out when I was eight. That I knew of, at least...she was out for some time before then. My parents divorced at that time and my mom moved to Vermont with her partner, Bridgette, who is still her partner now. They've been together for almost 12 years now, and they are my real parents more than my step-mom and my dad ever were.

I myself am bisexual, but that has nothing to do with my parents influence. I have a younger brother who was only three when my parents split, and he basically has been completely raised by two women, and he is straight. I also have a younger sister, who is asexual. :P I am active in the gay rights community - I wrote an essay about it on Fictionpress, and I talked to the Vermont senator at the time before civil unions were legal about my family and why I did not think it was fair that they were not able to get rights.

I think we're like any other family - I just happen to have been raised by two women instead of a woman and a man."

Ryan - "As a child of divorce I know how heart-breaking it is for family, friends and the kids. I remember when my biological parents divorced - mom and dad - when I was about 9. My grandmother died and my dog was run over by a truck passing by. Can we say trauma. The divorce seemed to be the one thing that I could fix, there was hope.

What I didn't know was that there was much more going on under the surface. They had fallen out of love. And mom had moved on. Soon after Mom met Sue. Mom and Dad had been together just about 10 years, Mom and Sue have been together 22. Mom followed love not gender. The two need to be separated when we look at gay divorce. The big difference is that kids are protected in a legal marriage. What happens when our parents fall out of love and then the courts fall out of recognition of their relationship."

Chelsia Rice, who grew up in a lesbian-headed family gave the following speech at a marriage equality rally in Portland, Oregon on Valentine's Day 2005:

What wasn’t easy is how society dealt with my family and how same-sex families are still treated today. The opposition says that if same-sex marriages are legally recognized, “Schools will be forced to teach that the homosexual family is normal.” Well, if the schools would have even come close to recognizing my family’s existence in a classroom - it would’ve made my life a lot easier. But, because we had to remain closeted to remain safe, it took me 13-years to meet another kid with lesbian parents. And when she approached me at school and told me she had lesbian mothers too, we celebrated and we instantly became friends. But regardless of knowing someone else, I still had no one to help protect me from societies scorn; I still had to defend myself from a barrage of bullies.
And it wasn’t just my peers – who often made spectacles of me in classes by passing notes and spreading rumors - in grade school, the PTA gathered to warn other parents that my mother might teach them how to be lesbians resulting in a huge loss of childhood friends who were no longer allowed to hang out with me, spend the night at my house, or come to my birthday parties. And when Measure 9 was on the ballot in the early 90s, even some of my high school instructors posted YES on 9 signs in their classrooms and on their desks. I even had one teacher who made us listen to Rush Limbaugh during lab. Not to mention, our house was vandalized several time during that election year.

Did I feel resentment and anger toward my family and society? Absolutely. Would I change a thing? Never.

Resources for coming out to your children and resources FOR your children:

COLAGE on coming out to your children COLAGE is a national movement of children, youth, and adults with one or more lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and/or queer (LGBTQ) parents. We build community and work toward social justice through youth empowerment, leadership development, education, and advocacy.

About.com Lesbian Life, How To Come Out To Your Child

How It Feels to Have a Gay or Lesbian Parent: A Book by Kids for Kids of All Ages

And PFLAG, Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays

Would I have come out still, knowing what I know now? About how it might have affected the ex and the kids? Yes, absolutely. I know I could not have staying in the closet any longer, but I think it could have been handled a lot better if I had taken the time to find things out first. Or had even known where to begin to look for answers.

What everything comes down to is: the real damage seems to come from influences outside of our control. The beliefs of others, and their comments we and our children hear from peers, the media and other adults who have negative opinions about LGBT folk hurt us all on so many different levels.

The best we can do is to do the best we can everyday, and try to remember that in the end, love always defeats hate....

Interlude.......

2009-06-10T01:24:00.000-07:00

I think I need a break for a day or two before the post on the QueerSpawn is finished, LOL. No, I don't like the name either, but they seem to.......so anyway here is some idle chit chat..

Hey, we have started a new social network, just exactly what the world needs, right? You have to join if you want to see the good stuff though. You can find it by clicking Late In Life Lesbians I have posted some pics for Ceara to use on her blog.........UH HUH!!!!! We think it could be fun, chatting, forums, etc., and hope you do too.

Lorrie, "taking a break from blogging and computers" still needs to sign up, by the way...... Lordy, woman, it has been long enough, your fans await!!!! Baby, they are starting to think I have thrown you OFF the bus!!!! NEVER!

Hmmmmmmmm, We need to get a new countdown clock too, it's just 6 weeks!!! (OK, that's done)

I switched my work schedule to swing shift, no more getting up at 3 am. So very nice!

AND the settings on comments are changed, per JS-Kit so that you all should be able to post comments again. You can upload avatars, pictures, videos and stuff.......

I used to ask myself this all the time........now I know!!!
What are your thoughts?

OMG! It's happening........

2009-06-10T00:32:00.001-07:00

They said if Teh Gays got marriage, then who knows what crazy weddings would follow next!

From Business Week:

Supreme Court Clears The Way For Chrysler-Fiat Marriage

Now if they would have only heard the case against DADT..............

The Not Yet Ex's, The Ex's And The Kids, part III

2009-06-08T01:06:00.000-07:00

This series hopes to explore what our husbands and children go through when we decide to come out of the closet. Part III will attempt to address some of the worst case scenarios in our coming out process and how we can prepare to protect ourselves.

These issues are especially hard to think and talk about, it is hard on so many levels. But like bridgeout from Building or Burning Bridges in the Community commented, we need to know to keep ourselves safe and strong. Knowing is power, if you know, you can prepare. Fear defeats more people than any other one thing in the world. - Emerson

If you are wanting to come out, and reading this, it is important to keep in mind what lies at the end of this journey: joy, light, authenticity and, most of all, the freedom to be known and loved for who you really are.

Click here for Part I and Part II

ALL human beings are capable of anything given the right or wrong set of circumstances.

What are the worst things that can, have and do happen when we come out to our spouses:
Marital rape
Physical violence
Verbal and mental abuse
Saying things about you to the children to turn them against you including attempts to take the children away by false accusations of child abuse and/or molestation

And murder.

You have an idea what type of man you are married to already. If he is already fair minded, he probably will, after a time, still be fair minded towards you, there is still a chance for abuse however, hope for the best but prepare yourself in advance for the worst.

Studies have shown spousal rape occurs in about 14% of all marriages in the United States. Women are at particularly high risk of experiencing physical and sexual violence when they attempt to leave their partners, as this represents a challenge to their abusers' control and sense of entitlement. Similarly, women who are separated or divorced from their partners also appear to be at high risk for sexual abuse for the sense of entitlement does not necessarily end when a couple ceases living together (DeKeseredy et al., 2005; Dobash & Dobash, 1992; Kurz, 1997).

If he is an authoritarian type, perhaps deeply religious with firm beliefs on how men and women should act, including that the wife must submit to her husband, there is a greater chance for him to cross the line to verbal, sexual and physical abuse even if he was not so before. Or if he has friends who make jokes about abusing women, he has a higher chance of becoming abusive himself when you attempt to leave him.

If he is like my ex, not a physical abuser but abusive in other ways, he will remain mentally or verbally abusive, but understand there is a greater chance of his type crossing the line to physical abuse than a non-abuser. Prepare in advance your resources and contacts

If he is already physically abusive: DO NOT COME OUT TO HIM. First of all, get yourself professional and police help and then get you and the kids the hell out of there. There are crisis centers, churches and women's support centers to aid you in nearly every town in America. Don't let shame keep you in a dangerous situation. [National Domestic Violence Hotline]

You will find your own self esteem growing as you become more honest with yourself, see the abuse for what it is, not your fault but entirely his.

You will NOT be able to reason with him, you WILL NOT be able to stay with him and you WILL more than likely be the recipient of violence like you have never seen before. An abuser WILL resort to spousal rape, if he hasn't already, when confronted with your lesbianism and will beat you severely and he may VERY LIKELY TRY TO KILL YOU. He may succeed.

His abusive personality is not something that is your fault, it is his own lack of self worth that causes it. You don't deserve it no matter what you do. And you are not going to be able to change him by staying with him. Not all insecure people are abusers, but all abusers are insecure people.

If you are not out yet, but are coming to the point where you must come out start taking care of yourself right now. For most of your married life you have developed a social system completely built in a straight community, and change can appear overwhelming and even impossible. Making the change from wife and mother in a straight community to lesbian life is not an easy task. It is a path fraught with loss, guilt, separation and fear. Because of this, depression is quite common among married lesbians.

Depression can lead to suicidal thoughts or action. If hurting yourself has ever even crossed your mind, seek immediate psychiatric attention. National Suicide Hotline: 1-800-SUICIDE 1-800-784-2433

Resources for victims of spousal abuse:
Don't forget you have local resources too! Find an affirming church in your area, they will know of even more resources. Your employer may offer an Employee Assistance Program, these services are of no cost to you and are confidential. Also, go to a library to use their computers so he can't see what you are looking up, call from pay phones, or talk to people in person to reduce the risk he will find out what you are doing.

National Domestic Violence Hotline 1800-799-7233 (SAFE)

Hotline Services Include:

Crisis intervention, safety planning, information about domestic violence and referrals to local service providers
A direct connection to domestic violence resources available in the caller’s area provided by a Hotline advocate
Assistance in both English and Spanish with Hotline advocates having access to more than 170 different languages through interpreter services
Assistance through e-mail on the contact page
Informational materials on such topics as domestic violence, sexual assault, battering intervention and prevention programs, working through the criminal justice system and related issues

Stop Abuse For Everyone, includes GLBT specific resources and has contact information nationwide
Stop Abuse For Everyone
16869 SW 65th Ave #212
Lake Oswego, OR 97035-7865
U.S.A.
(503) 853-8686

National Online Resource Center on Violence Against Women

Gift From Within and GFW main page

Women are Dreamers Too Support and education for getting it all together after you are free

Support for overcoming depression:

Discovering Pride

I Am A Lesbian Married To A Man

Don't forget your local resources here either, there are coming out groups, therapists and affirming clergy and your workplace may offer confidential services that will assist you!

You should also be ready to contact a lawyer, just to speak with them, they all offer a free 30 minute session, don't be afraid to use this valuable resource. Ask them about divorce laws in your state, ask about child custody, how to protect yourself against false charges, etc., get a list going and if half an hour isn't enough time, then call another one to ask the rest of questions of.

Good luck, God bless and always remember what lies at the end of this journey: joy, light, authenticity and, most of all, the freedom to be known and loved for who you really are.

Continuing, our children......

The Not Yet Ex's, The Ex's And The Kids, part II

2009-06-07T15:13:00.000-07:00

This series hopes to explore what our husbands and children go through when we decide to come out of the closet. We can't stop them from from being hurt, but maybe we can try to help them heal....
Click here for Part I

Now you have told him, he is probably angry, is certainly hurting, is afraid of others finding out and is completely confused about what to do next. We don't always know what to say or do ourselves. I can't say it was better that I divorced my husband before I came out, but I do believe it was easier on both of us in the end.

We were both still grieving our marriage ending, then after I came out to him, he still felt if he had been a better man I wouldn't be gay and I never would have divorced him and he even called me names in front of the boys. It didn't matter that he had suspected I was a lesbian all those years. Those feelings still surfaced. But he was forced to completely accept that there was no hope of me coming back. Because that was never an issue, he was able to move on rather quickly. He had already been dating another woman. He already knew there was a difference between being with her for a few months, and being with me for 18 years.

In some cases as soon as you tell him, he will file for divorce right away. He may not be willing to talk about it at all or is unable to deal with it and suddenly he moves out or asks that you do. You may have custody of the kids, or you both decide it is best that he does or you share custody. He may threaten to take custody and visitation away from you. Most, if any, courts WILL NOT take your children away from you solely because you are a lesbian. Or you both could decide it would be best if they stayed with their father. If this happens, most likely it will be a no fault divorce or irreconcilable differences clause. Same sex relationships are not seen as adultery by nearly all the courts in this country because most states require coitus for it to be even considered. You aren't going to have much time for talk if this is the case, it is best to hold on to your own ground and have someone to support you through it all. Try not to return his anger and bitterness with your own if there are kids or not. I guess the best thing is to be the bigger person.......

Usually he won't act so rashly, he will be angry, hurt and crushed, but won't want to cause more harm to the family. He is also going to hold on to the hope that it isn't true, it can't be true, after all you have been having sex with him for all these years. He naturally wants things to be how they were before you told him. He isn't going to want to tear the family apart anymore than you do. More than likely you married him because he IS a good man, try not to forget that, and let him know that you still know he is a good man.

If I am going to sound like a broken record, it would be to get him to at least look at the Straight Spouse Network. Support groups may not be his thing at all, but he can read other stories online and at least see he is not alone. They have wonderful advice for letting him come to terms with it, and even will give suggestions on knowing the best ways to handle it with the kids:

Process your own feelings as much as you need to, but please do not expose your children to these feelings. Your children deserve to process things in their own ways, rather than absorbing their dad’s/mom's process or feeling pressure to choose sides...

When children are “sheltered” (kept away) from the gay/lesbian parent, they internalize the message that the gay/lesbian parent was bad or evil, and build up a loyalty to the straight parent. Further down the line however, when the children mature and are able to form their own opinions, they often resent the straight parent for denying them a relationship with the gay/lesbian parent. Your children need to know that both their mother and father are committed to loving them unconditionally. In your case, part of that unconditional love is nurturing the relationship the children have with their mother or father.

There will come a time when he may enter into the phase of "Come back to him." Can't you just forget it and everything will go back to the way it was. We can work this out. You will get over it, please just come back. Let's see a marriage counselor together. I promise to be a better husband. He means these things. He really believes them and it is heart wrenching to hear. He is also going to continue to go through his grieving process, he will alternate between wanting you and hating you, he may be wonderfully understanding one day and ready to throw you out the next. His emotions are on a roller coaster right now and he can't always control them.

The best you can do is keep the lines of communication open, but also let him know name calling or screaming at you in front of the kids is unacceptable. Don't be afraid to let him know how hard it was for you to get to this point too, but that you do know it isn't all about you. Let him know you know how much it is hurting him and that it isn't his fault. Let him know you are willing to go to counseling with him if he wants to and make the appointments yourself. Suggest he read other straight spouses stories either from books or on the internet. If he is a religious man let him read sites like the "Letter To Louise" or "The Blue Book" or let him know about gay Christian sites like SisterFriends or the many other sites. He may not change his views, but it might get him thinking.

If you both agree to go to counseling together, find out before hand if they have real experience with this situation, and also make sure they are able to see both sides equally. It won't help him if they are all for you and just think he needs to get over it, end of story, he just won't go. If they believe your lesbianism can be cured, or it is all your fault, they give him false hope and hurt your self esteem no end. Don't be afraid to see several until it is a good fit. Your counselor needs to be able to help BOTH of you through this. Not just one of you. Your husband needs to come to a place of healing and understanding and he needs to see that you understand his point of view too.

You just may decide that you will give it a go and stay with him, or maybe you can wait until the kids are grown. Maybe now is when you start to discuss an open marriage. All of these choices are deeply, deeply personal. I think the best thing is to talk about all these things and their consequences, as honestly and openly as you can with your spouse.

Think about what it is going to do to your relationship now that he knows you don't love him the way a wife should. And if you decide to put off your feelings until after the kids are grown, can you really live with that? What are you willing to do for him to make sure is needs are met? What is he willing to do for you to make sure your needs are met? How will he react if you do end up having an affair? What if he decides to have an affair, how will you react?

If you decide to talk about an open marriage, can the two of you really handle it? How will you feel when he has a girlfriend? How will he feel about you being with your girlfriend? Will you two continue to have sexual relations? If you do how will there be a guarantee no STD's are exchanged? There are sites and books about open marriages, you might want to see what is required of one, and how others have dealt with it.

Even with counseling, talk and understanding, once the time comes that others find out, he is going to be bombarded with all kinds of advice, sympathy and hopefully even real support from his friends and family. And just like you, he will get to hear dumb things too:

Dumb things people will most likely say to your Ex or Not Yet Ex (they say them to us too) if and when they find out:

Are you sure? How do you know? When did you find out?
You’ve been married this long - think of the children. Can’t you just live together like brother and sister?
I know just the (counselor, clergy, doctor, best divorce lawyer in the state) who can fix this. You just leave it to me.
Hey you’re a lucky guy, that is SO hot. (wink, wink, elbow jab, elbow jab, and all the lewd comments that will go with this one.)
You’re not SERIOUSLY letting the children stay with her, are you?
You know she will burn in hell don't you?
Oh, we all knew (or suspected). What, you didn’t know? How could you miss this? Oh come on. You had to know.
You married a lesbian? What kind of man are you?

Just be aware that as he talks to his friends and family about this, he is hearing these things and they may reignite his anger, resentment and confusion.

Continuing.......

On Coming Out To Your Evangelical Parents As An Adult

2009-06-07T14:02:00.000-07:00

The Not Yet Ex's, The Ex's And The Kids

2009-06-06T03:39:00.000-07:00

The thing about a lot of us that come out later in life, is that many of us are married and have children. The reasons we married are very diverse. I think we all really did, or do, love or are very fond of the men we married. Some of us also thought that we could make a real go of the marriage, that our attraction to other women was what every woman feels, you just don't act on it, or we knew exactly what it was and thought we could just learn to be straight, be good citizens and all that.

When it becomes unbearable to continue to live in the lie, and we decide to come out, it is often our husbands whom we tell first. It is scary as hell for us, but it is a full on body blow by an 18 wheeler to them. We know why we married and suppressed our feelings for other women, but our husbands rarely do. Many did not really suspect at all, most knew something was not right, but could not put their finger on it. Some, like my husband, suspected it for a long time, but hoped he was wrong, and some are completely clueless and are taken by complete, total surprise.

I know that when I divorced my husband, I hurt him a lot. And I know that because I didn't tell him upfront about being a lesbian, but told him months later, I hurt him all over again. I know that when he told the boys before I did, that it hurt them, some of what they felt was I couldn't trust them, that I was ashamed to tell them, and that I lied to them.

We may have believed it was wrong, unnatural or a sinful part of ourselves. Or some of us wanted kids, a husband and a family because that is how we believed it should be. Or we just didn't have the courage it takes to live a way that many feel is wrong, it goes against their beliefs so they just don't want to accept that it exists. Much of this was covered in How could I have stayed in the closet so long?

Whenever and however you do reach the point of coming out to him, your husband's self esteem is going to get clobbered. He is going to think he drove you to it, that if he was enough of a man, you wouldn't be a lesbian. His "libido" is going to shrink smaller than jumping into the Arctic Sea would make it. And it is going to take time for him to understand any of it.

After the initial shock, they may think you are joking, or they will be in denial. If you don't say you have a girlfriend, their first question will likely be have you slept with someone yet? If you haven't, they may be more likely to tell you it is a phase or fantasy and how can you be sure? A few will even find the idea exciting at first, a turn on, they may see this as a chance to live out a "threesome" fantasy. Most of them, once you convince them, are eventually going to be angry. Really angry. Even the most docile of men is going to feel this. Many will call you names, tell you to leave right now, if religious he may threaten to take the kids away from you, seeing you as a sinner, corrupting his children. And some may become physically violent.

Some will be absolutely understanding from the beginning and want only the best for you and the kids, they may even want to remain married, sometimes in name only, and have an open marriage. You would be surprised at the number of marriages in this country where one of the spouses is gay, and they have an open marriage. Most often the man is gay, and the wife stays for the sake of the kids and his career, but it is not unheard of the other way around. Or they may agree to an amicable divorce and work with you to ensure that the kids are really put first.

Believe it or not, a fair majority of the husbands eventually accept it, deal with it, truly want what is best for the kids and will always remain a part of your life. How soon they can get to that place depends a lot on them and a lot on us. It really helps if right away we let them know it isn't their fault and they couldn't have done anything different. It helps if they are open to a support group like the Straight Spouse Network or therapy with someone who has helped others in the same situation. (not the ex-gay ones, OK?) It helps if we can get across to them that we lied most to ourselves. And it helps if we do not say things like;

“If you loved me you’d understand I have to be me”
“If you were a better husband I wouldn’t have ‘experimented’”
“I’m not gay, I just love that person”
“I’m not asking you to forgive me, because there is nothing to forgive. This is normal for me.”
“After all, you’re the only man I’ve had sex with”.

Those quotes came from the Straight Spouse Network as the number one things our spouses don't want to hear. They do love us, but we are telling them we aren't who they always thought we were, it isn't their fault and we should never blame them, and somehow, the straight spouse can let go a little easier if they understand right off that we are indeed gay, they tend to hold on to false hope that it is only a phase if we tell them "I just fell in love with the person", sometimes though, I know, it is hard to even admit finally to ourselves we are gay. Oh, and there is a hell of a lot we have to ask them to forgive us for. And we should ask them for forgiveness, and allow them come to a point where they can. He may have been building a whole life around "us" and we just ripped it apart. And the "only man" comment is going to lead him again to hold out hope that you will grow tired of "the fling" and come back to him.

To be continued........

Pennsylvania may soon vote on Same Sex Marriage

2009-06-05T13:01:00.000-07:00

From The Pennsylvania Inquirer:

The state Senate will soon consider dueling pieces of legislation on same-sex marriage.

Hoping to capture the pro-gay-marriage momentum in other state legislatures, Sen. Daylin Leach (D., Montgomery) yesterday introduced the state's first bill to legalize same-sex marriage.

Meanwhile, a colleague across the aisle, Sen. John Eichelberger (R., Blair), is preparing to introduce a constitutional amendment that would ban same-sex marriage, to prevent court decisions, such as the recent one in Iowa, allowing gay people the right to marry.

Leach said denying gay Pennsylvanians the right to marry robs them of the fundamental equal rights that heterosexual couples enjoy, such as the right of survivorship, power to make medical decisions, even the right to hospital visitation.

For the rest of the story, go to the The Pennsylvania Inquirer

The Comment Form

2009-06-03T09:58:00.000-07:00

Don't know if everyone is having issues with the comment form or not, B from endless love said she needed a google friend account but you should be able to sign in with your blogger web site?? It's called Blogspot URL on the form. Other blogging sites can (or should be able to) use the Open ID with their URL

I chose this one so pretty much everyone could just use their blogger accounts by entering the URL or Open ID or facebook or twitter or Yahoo etc.. but if you aren't getting all the options shown on the drop down list, I may need to see how to fix or remove it. I really like the options it gives but isn't worth it if it makes it harder than it is supposed to be.

If you cannot use it, click the contact me icon on the right and it will email directly to me. We use that Kontactr service for email so the spammers can't see the email and it hides the address from possible abusive types.

Thanks so much!

Our First Award!

2009-06-02T01:04:00.000-07:00

Truth and Love After 40 is delighted to have received The Kreativ Blogger Award from Love, Lust and Life. Thank you LLnL!
The are two rules for the Kreativ blogger.

This post got posted too soon, LOL, so here is the updated version.....

The first rule is to write 7 things that make you happy. The second is to nominate seven of your favorite blogs for this award:

Lorrie's 7

My kids!
Loving Rebecca
Rebecca loving Me!!
It is less than one year till Rebecca moves to PA!
Laughing with Rebecca
Success with my work projects
Friends and Family

The 7 things that make Rebecca happy are:

My boys
Loving Lorrie
Being with Lorrie because Lorrie loves me
The thought of finally moving to Pennsylvania to really BE with Lorrie
Finishing school
Seeing progress for our rights
Blogging

Nominating 9 of our favorite Kreativ Blogs because we are over achievers:

Clever Creative and Gotta Girls new one - Living Inside Out

The Green Blog, LOL that's what we call the 40 Year Old Lesbian

The Surprise Dyke - I know I was.....

Burning or Building Bridges in the Community?

Domesticated Against My Will - don't we all feel that way somedays!

Cowtown Bisexual

Gloria's Oversexed Mind - speaks for itself......

Peaches & Coconuts

And Goombah's Rainbow - I want his graphic.

Meet The Boys: From a late in life family.

2009-05-31T21:50:00.000-07:00

Let me introduce you to "my boys" Oh they are older now, but I love this picture, I always have. (I am the Mother, I choose the pictures.) The big smiley one in the front is James. And the one with the knowing look in the back is Kevin. He is the oldest. Kevin is 18 now, he will be 19 in a few months. James is everything you mothers of girls warn them about. Just ask Lorrie. He is 16 now. He can charm..... well you know the rest. The boys were, for much of their life, raised in a so called "traditional family." At the time I would have told you we were were a "close" family. That I was really close with my boys. Their father and I were married until Kevin was 15 and James 13. I divorced their father before I came out publicly.

Kevin and I had a talk last night. He is living with me again. He moved out last October. We hadn't been on very good terms since last spring and things came to a head finally and it was best that he move out. He has since made real progress with a lot of things and I have also learned how to express my momness in a way that he can deal with better. He has Asperger syndrome. He was diagnosed rather late, so communicating verbally correctly is more important with him than with someone who can read body language and understand vocal cues. It is something I am only really now beginning to understand. Kevin has made huge progress in learning to look for the clues the rest of us just seem to see.

We had a good talk. We talked about his dad, that his dad really is a good guy at heart, but that the alcohol had really ruined some of the good, but that he still loved him, as he should, how he missed his brother living away, how he got his GED and has returned to Adult School to get his high school diploma as well. (one issue causing momness was his dropping out last year! YIKES) He has been seriously looking for work but it hasn't been easy in this economy, but he has had some good interviews and he has an in (me) where I work. ( His efforts last year were nil, another issue for momness.)

And then he said "it really freaked James and I out when you came out Mom." and went on to another subject. I said, wait a minute, you can't drop that A-bomb and just go on Kev, you have to explain that one to me. He said OK we will talk about it tomorrow. Ummmm NOPE, we are talking about it tonight or I won't sleep at all.

After the initial shock of me coming out, and some really dumb jokes in bad taste, the boys have been fine, it has been a non issue, I thought. They have told me several times that growing up they really never felt I loved them, not knowing I had killed all my emotions to stay in the closet.

"Yeah, you really changed a lot after you came out. You dressed completely different, you talked different, you acted different and you even smoked different cigarettes all of a sudden."

He was right, when I came out I dressed more feminine, a little younger even, not really "old lady trying to look like a teenager", LOL, but I started wearing a little sexier clothes. I let my hair grow a bit, I lost weight, I did speak differently. I didn't mumble as much, I voiced my opinions, I speak with more authority in my voice than I used to. (The cigarettes were cheaper, no other reason) I sat up straighter, I was more outgoing than I was before. I was also newly in love and I was glowing with it. (I am and I still do!) I thought the changes were good.

It never occurred to me that to have their mother change literally, in their eyes, overnight was freaky. Even good change. But I see it now. He let me discuss my view of the change too. And he listened. And then I listened some more. He hugged me good night and I hugged him back and told him how much I really loved him. He said he knows I do now.

James is not as vocal as his brother is about such things. We have had a few, (for James that is a lot) discussions about some of what Kevin talked about last night. But I hadn't put it all together. James is much happier that I show more emotion now too and knows how much I love him. We joke a bit more and we got to know each other better the last 7 months with just the two of us. It was really nice. But he is glad Kevin is back. I am too. Very glad.

We are becoming a closer family now that I have come out. Their father moved to California last year, they still talk to him on the phone, send each other letters and DVD's and they are going to visit him this summer. He has stopped drinking and smoking and he has gotten better at communicating with both of them as well. He and I can talk now, as the best friends we always really were. And as the parents of children should.

We aren't very much a "traditional family" anymore. But for us anyway, that definition of family never fit very well, it was unnatural, we just didn't know it at the time. Our family now means we trust each other enough to talk about things, even uncomfortable things, we aren't afraid to grow together or admit our mistakes, we aren't afraid nor incapable of showing love for each other and best of all, the boys see and feel that I love them unconditionally and they know it in their hearts as well. They know now their father does too.

Our new definition fits us much better. Finally we are a real family...naturally.

This Blog Will Return To It's Regularly Scheduled Content Now.....

2009-05-31T20:51:00.001-07:00

LMAO.
Blogging for Truth Week is over, but Blogging for Truth is never finished.
Until next year I think it is best that most, but not all, of the political commentary has found a new, good home.
Back to blogging about coming out, families, love, life and the pursuit of happiness.

I am so very proud of the Nevada Legislature right now, I am beaming almost as much as when I talk to Lorrie. I am proud of us Nevadans, LGBT and Straight who really fought for this one, as well as AB1 (The anti Fred Phelps Law) was also passed as was SB207 which prevents discrimination in places of public access. But AB 184 was defeated. It protected persons from discrimination because of gender identity. It should be re-introduced next session. I know we will all fight for that one again.

Have a great week all......

Assembly follows Senate in Reversing Governor's Veto of SB 283

2009-05-31T18:29:00.000-07:00

Nevada Legislature Rebukes Gibbons Veto - Domestic Partnership a Reality in Nevada!!!!!

From Your Gay Reno.com

Assembly follows Senate in Reversing Governor's Veto of SB 283

By: Sam Olson
May 31, 2009

In an 11th hour, 28-14 vote, the Nevada Assembly reversed Jim Gibbons gubernatorial veto of SB 283, Nevada's Domestic Partnership Bill. This follows a 14-7 Senate vote last night that similarly sought to overturn the Governor's veto.

The move of the Legislature comes after a heavily attended rally at UNR on Tuesday, where citizens gathered to voice disapproval not only of the California Supreme Court's upholding of Proposition 8, but Governor Gibbons veto of SB 283.

Contrary to public belief, 283 is not a 'gay marriage' bill, but opens up an alternative to marriage for any two single adults not related by blood, conveying in one registration many of the rights contractually granted at great cost. SB 283 has been a point of contention throughout the legislative session, pitting Republicans and Democrats against each other, and against member of their own parties.

WOW! Good for Nevada and our LGBT!!

Nevada Senate Overrides Governor's Domestic Partnership Veto

2009-05-31T12:44:00.000-07:00

Update: Assembly vote due after 6pm PST. Will post results.......

Nevada Senate Overrides Governor's Domestic Partnership Veto

The Nevada Senate has voted 14-7 to override Governor Jim Gibbons' veto of a domestic partnership bill

the Las Vegas Review Journal is reporting;

"The vote on Senate Bill 283 came following a dramatic speech by state Sen. Dennis Nolan, R-Las Vegas, who said he had received many vulgar and even threatening calls from people who demanded that he vote against the bill. Those kinds of calls do not mesh with 'the Christian beliefs I was brought up with,' Nolan said. He added that the bill does not at all undermine the 2002 voter-approved constitutional amendment that defines marriage as between a man and a woman. 'We have an obligation to ensure equal rights to all our citizens,' Nolan said. 'I believe in my heart that I am doing the right thing,' Nolan and state Sen. Dean Rhoads, R-Tuscarora, who both voted against the bill when it was passed April 21 on a 12-9 Senate vote, then joined the 12 original supporters to override Gibbons' veto by the required two-thirds margin."

[The assembly is expected to vote today. - Rebecca]

Two-thirds of the Assembly, 28 members, must vote to override Gibbons' veto or the bill dies.

Activists hope Assemblywoman Marilyn Kirkpatrick, D-North Las Vegas, and one other lawmaker who initially voted against the bill will vote to override the veto, giving the bill the votes needed to become law.

During the first tally in the Assembly, Kirkpatrick voted against the bill.

Some supporters had hoped for a Saturday night vote in the Assembly. But Assemblyman James Ohrenschall became ill earlier in the day and was briefly hospitalized.

The Progressive Leadership Alliance of Nevada also praised the vote.

"This was a resounding rejection of the governor's intolerance and it is wonderful to finally have something to celebrate," said Jan Gilbert, a PLAN lobbyist.

Gay and lesbian organizations also saluted the state Senate override.

"Today, we are one step closer to legally recognizing committed couples in Nevada who currently cannot get married or choose not to get married, but want the opportunity to recognize their relationships under state Law and the protections that will provide them," said Tod Story, a Gay and Lesbian Community Center board member in Las Vegas.

PA Community College Eliminates Protections Based on Sexual Orientation

2009-05-31T11:29:00.000-07:00

Just in from Queers United........

Westmoreland County Community College Eliminates Protections Based on Sexual Orientation

For the past nine years Westmoreland County Community College in Pennsylvania has included "sexual orientation" and "union membership" under its non-discrimination policy.

"But the school now says there is another statement that does not contain those four words and that it is the only one approved as an official policy by college trustees in a 1998 vote.

So the college has begun the unusual task of striking references to both classes of people from its non-discrimination language, including a statement on the college's web site" (Post Gazette).

Further, this decision may be part of a cover up by the school to ensure they are not liable for a conflict with a former school employee who was denied health insurance for his spouse after he legally married in Massachusetts.

For the complete story, please head over to Queers United

Oh MAPLES! Glorious MAPLES!!

2009-05-29T11:54:00.000-07:00

I want to shout it to the world - I am madly passionately wonderfully wildly in MAPLES with one amazing woman!!!

I got em all, all the time for My Love. We are talking red roses, moonlight, ocean waves, my heart beats fast when I see you, can't stop thinking about you ever Mania! A love that says I only want the best of everything for you, you are my soulmate, my partner, what is mine is yours, you bring out the best in me and let me see my place in life Agape. A love that says we were made for each other, it just makes sense to love you Pragma. And that belly laughing, prank playing, lets go play Ludus kind of love. A one look from you and I am ready kind of Eros thing going on and the everything we do is made better because I am doing it with you, we fit so well together kind of Storge love that says I love you more today than I did yesterday and it has been that way everyday for 985 days and it will be that way Baby, until time itself is no longer counted.

I just love you...........

Mania — highly emotional love; sometimes unstable; the stereotype of romantic love
Agape — selfless altruistic love; spiritual
Pragma — pragmatic love
Ludus — love is played as a game; or love is playful
Eros (love) — a passionate physical love based on physical appearance
Storge — an affectionate love that slowly develops, based on similarity

Oh By The Way.......Meet My State's Defender Of Traditional Marriage.

2009-05-28T11:08:00.000-07:00

Governor Jim Gibbons vetoed Nevada's domestic partnership bill on Memorial Day. This is late in coming because I haven't been able to digest it very well.

We knew he would. Jim Gibbons is not nor ever will be a person of sound reason nor intestinal fortitude when it comes to being governor. He isn't a stand up guy either. I won't totally discredit his guts, he served in Vietnam and the first Gulf "war" and earned many medals. But in all truth, he makes Ron Blagojevich look like an amateur.

Gibbons divorce papers were recently unsealed. His wife filed for and won the divorce on grounds of infidelity. Repeated grounds of infidelity including the 2006 charges of attempted sexual assault. (see below)

He defended himself by stating "that he wanted his wife out of the Governor's Mansion because she was aggressive: "It was once said in another context that being in close quarters with such a volatile person was like being locked in a phone booth with an enraged ferret." Oh I guess she was pissed off about the other women and the sexual assault charges. Doesn't she know her place???

He is just one of many upstanding defenders of "traditional marriage."

His Wikipedia isn't very pretty:

In October 2006, near the conclusion of his successful campaign for governor, a woman accused Jim Gibbons of attempted sexual assault in a parking garage. Gibbons claimed he was helping her to her car. They both admitted to drinking alcohol at McCormick and Schmick's restaurant in Las Vegas.

In the initial aftermath of the event, Las Vegas Sheriff Bill Young, a long time supporter of Jim Gibbons and donor to his gubernatorial campaign, cited lack of evidence in the case and refused to bring evidence of the attack to the District Attorney. The accuser did not initially want to pursue pressing charges, saying she just wanted "to be left alone." But when the Las Vegas Metropolitan Police Department was forced to open the incident case file after inquiries by Las Vegas media, the Las Vegas Review Journal and the Las Vegas Sun released her name and she was thrust into the public eye. She later said she was being pressured to not talk to the police about the incident by people close to Jim Gibbons. In fact, the Gibbons campaign hired a private investigator to "talk" to the woman shortly after the incident occurred.

Under pressure from the media and eventually from the accuser herself, Sheriff Bill Young famously taunted the alleged victim to "bring it on" and sign a formal complaint. This was a highly irregular step, as most victims of assault are not required to sign a complaint before an investigation can begin. Nevertheless, she signed the complaint and there was a further investigation. The evidence was given to the Las Vegas District Attorney, David Roger, who had also donated to the Gibbons campaign. Criminal charges were never filed in the case.
Gibbons' gubernatorial campaign manager, Robert Uithoven, speculated in an e-mail to Gibbons' supporters that Dina Titus, Gibbons' opponent, hired the woman to entice Gibbons. Titus retorted that to do this she would have had to control where Gibbons went, who he was with, and even the weather (Gibbons claimed he was helping the woman to her car in part because of the weather)

This year, the alleged victim has filed a civil suit against Jim Gibbons, specifically alleging battery, false imprisonment and second-degree kidnapping as well as deceit about the episode.

A speech given in February 2005 by Rep. Gibbons in Elko, Nevada was actually plagiarized from a copyrighted speech delivered in 2003 by then-Alabama State Auditor Beth Chapman at a "Stand up America" rally.

On November 1, 2006, the Wall Street Journal published a story stating that Gibbons had earmarked several millions of dollars to a company owned by Warren Trepp, as well as added additional funds to a pre-existing government contract with Trepp's company. The report noted that Trepp had paid for a $10,000 cruise for Gibbons and his wife, which Gibbons failed to report, and $100,000 in campaign contributions. A former Trepp business partner claimed that Gibbons was also given gambling chips – convertible into cash – and cash directly.

On February 15, 2007, the Wall Street Journal reported that Gibbons was under federal investigation for allegedly accepting unreported gifts and/or payments from Trepp in exchange for official acts while he served in Congress (1997–2007).

According to reports, on March 22, 2005, days before Trepp and his wife left for the Caribbean cruise with Gibbons and his family, Jalé Trepp, Warren’s wife, sent a reminder to her husband. It said, “Please don't forget to bring the money you promised Jim and Dawn (Gibbons).” Minutes later, Trepp responded, “Don't you ever send this kind of message to me! Erase this message from your computer right now!”
The U.S. Attorney for Nevada at time of the investigation was Daniel Bogden, who was one of seven federal prosecutors forced out of his job by the Bush administration in December 2006.

Gibbons set up a legal defense fund just before the November, 2006 gubernatorial election to help pay for legal expenses incurred after a woman accused him of attempted sexual assault. Gibbons neither reported the legal defense fund to the appropriate U.S. House of Representatives committee (even though he was a sitting congressman at the time and was required by House rules to do so), nor did he report donations to his legal defense fund as contributions to his gubernatorial campaign, citing the money was for "personal use" and not for "political purposes."

In January 2008, it was reported that Gibbons raised $256,000 for his legal defense fund during 2007, including a $61,000 personal loan Gibbons gave to his own fund, as well as $10,000 from The Palms hotel and casino, and $40,000 from various companies connected to Las Vegas Sands Corporation Chief Executive Sheldon Adelson. The defense fund has spent money to defend Gibbons in cases which include:

* Investigations into the allegations that Gibbons secured defense contracts for his friend Warren Trepp in exchange for gifts and money during his time in Congress, 1997-2006.
* A nepotism scandal regarding Sierra Nevada Corporation's hire of Nevada first lady Dawn Gibbons as a consultant. Sierra Nevada paid Dawn Gibbons $35,000 at the same time Jim Gibbons helped the company get a no-bid federal contract.
* Gibbons' alleged attempted sexual assault of a Las Vegas woman in 2006
* Questions about Gibbons' employment of an illegal immigrant as a nanny

Gibbons has vetoed more bills than any other governor in the history of Nevada, not only this one but most recently:

AB 121: Requires hospitals in Washoe and Clark counties to create a staffing committee and staffing plan that addresses nurse-to-patient ratios. Gibbons said the bill "unnecessarily legislates" an area that should be left to medical professionals. Nevada has a serious nursing shortage.
Status: Awaiting override vote

AB 473: Requires additional medical emergency training for corrections staff and a better inventory of dental and medical supplies. Gibbons said the requirements already exist in current law. Medical supplies disappear like crazy from our jails and prisons.
Status: Awaiting override vote

His voting record as a congressman:

* Voted YES on Constitutionally defining marriage as one-man-one-woman. (Jul 2006)
* Voted YES on constitutional amendment prohibiting flag desecration. (Jun 2003)
* Rated 7% by the ACLU, indicating what the group considers an "anti-civil liberties" voting record. (Dec 2002)
* Voted YES on making the PATRIOT Act permanent. (Dec 2005)

His record on Education as governor, Nevada ranks in the lower half in this area:

* In January 2007, Governor Gibbons asked Nevada lawmakers to approve his budget that cut the percentage of education funding in Nevada to increase the percentage for public safety and human services programs.
* In 2008, Gibbons suggested that the Nevada legislature cut the state general fund budget for elementary, secondary and higher education by 14% (this does not include federal or local revenues, or funds for construction or teacher penions). Jim Rogers, Nevada Chancellor for Education, said of the budget cuts, "We’re talking about something that is going to cripple us financially and competitively. The effects will be felt on our economy for the next 50 to 100 years."

His record on education as a Congressman.

* Rated 10% by the NEA, indicating what the group considers "anti-public education spending" votes.
* Voted YES on allowing prayer in public schools during the War on Terror.
* Voted YES on letting public schools display the words "God Bless America."
* Supports a Constitutional Amendment for prayer in public schools.
* Gibbons supports "No Child Left Behind."

Please visit America's Worst Governor to find out more about Jim Gibbons

Look At Who Is On Our Side

2009-05-28T00:22:00.001-07:00

Rob Thomas on the Huffington Post -- "I believe the fact that an atheist, who doesn't believe in God at all, is allowed to enter into the holy land of marriage while a gay Christian is not, shows that this law is arbitrary. Are we to believe that anyone who doesn't live their life according to the King James Bible isn't protected by the same laws that protect those who do? Using the same argument that I've seen on the 700 Club, that would mean that Jewish, Hindu, or Muslim weddings are also null and void. "

This wasn't the blog I sat down to write, but I just had to check out a headline about something or other on My Google first, and that led me to the story above...you know how it is on the internet when you start clicking links, LOL, sometimes, you can find little nuggets of gold along the way.

The blog I sat down to write was going to go hand in hand with the post on Blogging For Truth, but after reading the article by Rob Thomas, YES the singer-songwriter, I decided to blog about our supporters. Cause the truth is we have amazing supporters. Maybe the Truth is we have been taught for so long to be down on everyone and everything and it looks like even President Obama has pushed us to the back of the bus if not under it, and maybe sometimes we even get down on ourselves that maybe we forget WE ARE WORTH FULL HUMAN RIGHTS!

Just look at the caliber of those who are on our side:

Not only Rob Thomas but Coretta Scott King, Julian Bond, Ariana Huffington, Nancy Pelosi, the Iowa Supreme Court: Chief Justice Marsha K. Ternus, Justice Mark S. Cady Justice Michael J. Streit, Justice David S. Wiggins, Justice Daryl L. Hecht, Justice Brent R. Appel and Justice David L. Baker. Mary Griffith, who learned the hardest way you can what the hate can do, and wrote A Prayer For Bobby. The 13-member Washington D.C. Council, the Legislatures of Vermont and Maine and Maine's Governor, writers D. Allen Kerr and Annie Proulx. There are so many many more, I don't even know their names. Hundreds of Rabbis and Synagogues. Literally thousands of Pastors, Ministers, Deacons and Laypersons with in the Christian Church. Some Muslim Mosques and Temples, most American Buddhists and Taoists and each of these religions has millions, yes millions of members who also believe in our rights not because any of these are LGBTQ themselves, but because they believe it is only fair, only right, only human and only how God, no matter how God is named, would want them and us to treat our fellow human beings.

And there are within our own community not only the names like singer Melissa Etheridge and Ellen Degeneres, but Dr. Mel White, actor Sir Ian McKellen, internet activist John Aravosis, author David Benjamin Mixner, journalist David Brill, Matt Foreman of The Task Force, the, author Joseph Beam, activist Cleve Jones, and all the bloggers and "citizen journalists" just like you that every day share their experiences, hopes, dreams, heartbreaks and news items with the world. The millions of LGBTQ that march, write, speak out and get the hell out of the closet. You may not realize it but even the little everyday things touch somebody somewhere and maybe even change a mind or two. And isn't that really how a movement begins and grows and wins? One mind, one heart, one soul being touched by another and finding their world changed for the better.

CA Supreme Court Upholds Prop H8, But does not invalidate ones in place

2009-05-26T10:08:00.000-07:00

The California Supreme Court has upheld Prop 8, but it will not overturn the 18,000 marriages already in place.
The supporters of Equality, will take the case higher.
One thing the CA Supreme Court has certainly managed to do with this ruling, is create separate but equal issues....on to the US Supreme Court I would say.........it would be nice if it takes some time though, the make up of the court is still too right leaning.....
There is live video by the way on CNN.com

Protest locations can be found at Day Of Decision's cities list...

"No civil rights movement has EVER lost. Never. It is not a matter of if our community will win full equal rights, including marriage. It is only a matter of when. But as in all civil rights movements, we will have to fight like hell for it."
-Robin Tyler, petitioner-case to overturn prop 8

Today, The California Supreme Court Decides

2009-05-26T09:15:00.000-07:00

Today, The California Supreme Court Decides...

They get to decide if 18,000 marriages remain in place, to decide if more couples can join them or not, to decide on something that in my opinion these men and women should never have needed to consider. Does marriage include all couples over 18 who should be free to make up their own choices who to love or not. Or does it include only who religion has said it should include? Then they need to go through their books and see it includes a lot of people they say they don't approve of already.

I don't envy the Court, but my heart goes out to not only the 18,000 but to the thousands more who want to get married and only an unconstitutional law is stopping them.

My heart goes out to those who have faced an increase in violent hate crimes against them because somehow the haters saw last November's passage of H8 as an excuse to act out. And my heart goes out to those of us who keep hoping someday this will be a non-issue because love will win out in the end.

And it isn't just my heart but my fight too, they aren't just my neighboring state, they are my brothers and sisters in a battle for equal rights. I won't give up the fight no matter the decision, I know they won't either.

I pray that reason will win out in the end. I believe in the end it will, life is often unfair, but in the end, it is always just. We wait with you California.

Cross posted at Blogging for Truth

Learning To Love Again After A Winter Of Discontent....

2009-05-26T00:00:00.000-07:00

When the idea for Blogging For Truth came to me, that maybe we should discuss what the hate really does, I didn't realize at the time, but I was going through a season that was the direct result of "feeling the hate." I started to notice the loudest, cruelest, most violent voices against the entire LGBTQ community were coming from my so called fellow Christians.

I am a firm believer that God is always our defense. But I forgot I believed that for a while. I forgot to keep my eyes on the Lord, and instead started looking at the faces who where shouting at us the loudest.

I listened to their voices and not God's. I watched their faces twisted in hate and not God's. I took in their words and not God's and because of this I began to doubt in God, because God was starting to look a lot like Maggie Gallagher.

I started to think that all Christians were like that, and if they were and we are to "know them by their fruits," then all of religion was fetid fruit indeed. For the first time since I first really, really believed in 1973, I began to question if there even was a God above. I started to respond to the hate with hate in my own heart. I couldn't think clearly, I felt depressed and I didn't know why I felt so angry about everything all the time.

Because I wasn't listening anymore to God, but the voices of hate around me, in the news, on the TV, blogs, online news outlets, and You Tube, He had to speak to me in other ways. I started getting books to work on with titles like "How God Changes Your Brain" by neurosurgeon, Andrew Newberg, M. D. and "A People's History of Christianity: The Other Side of the Story" by Diana Butler Bass. Then, I ran across something I had never seen before, called The Didache and finally He took me back to SisterFriends Together, specifically to a post called More Jesus, Less Religion. And He spoke to me through Lorrie more often than she will ever know, because He knows I can't help but listen to her.

The Didache I came across early in the winter, it is THE early new testament. It was handed out to nearly every new convert during the first few centuries. It was either written by or dictated by the Apostolic Fathers in common. It has never been disputed as authentic cannon but had not been chosen to be included in what we now call "The Bible" because many believed it was inelegant and had been widely distributed already. It is everything the Christian way of life was supposed to be.

The major point in How God Changes Your Brain, to me, was when Dr. Newberg explains how much believing in God and worship, and meditation on God improves our mental well being, functions and overall health. That certain areas of our brain actually grow, our reasoning functions and higher thinking abilities increase in other positive areas. He shows how there are measurable physical differences between believers and non believers and how people who are religious and who hate, suffer actual brain damage. Irreversible brain damage. The hate damages core areas in the brain that are needed for reason and higher thinking. I have always believed God speaks to each of us in ways that will personally touch us. ( or get through our thick skulls?) This book spoke volumes to me, not the least being I better let go of the hate before it was too late.

What I read in A People's History of Christianity reminded me that believing in Jesus is a way of life, that there is a whole history of "after" Jesus that as a people we have forgotten and that Jesus' teachings have always been inclusive, enlightened, personal and most assuredly revolutionary. It isn't the Systems of Belief that are preached from many a pulpit, it is about a simple way of life that is highly spiritual, loving, sometimes difficult and always committed.

Lastly I came upon the post "More Jesus, Less Religion." In it, Anita says nearly the same thing about the way of life and she says: "So this is my year to walk a new path, to take the fork in the road; not away from God but away from name-brand Christianity, a Christianity that has become a distraction and obstacle to experiencing an authentic encounter with God and engaging in a life of radical grace and love that was and remains the watermark of the earthly life of Jesus, the Son of God. -- During this year I’m choosing to no longer self-identify as a Christian but as a follower of Jesus. Before the early Christians were known as Christians they were called the People of the Way."

It seems it isn't my year to walk away from God either, but to start following The Way, and I think after escaping the hate, I can see how easy it is to fall into that never ending cycle of it.

I am so thankful that it is "....the work of God, that you believe on him whom he has sent." (John 6:29), because otherwise I think I would have lost to and been consumed by the hate. I am thankful because He is faithful even when those who call themselves by His name are not, I am thankful He knows how to talk to me even when I am hard hearted (and headed) and don't want to listen, I am grateful He gave me Lorrie to listen to, learn from, to love and be loved by.

Psalm 91 [personalized]

She who dwells in the shelter of the Most High
will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.
I will say of the LORD,
“He is my refuge and my fortress,
my God, in whom I trust.”
He will cover me with his feathers,
and under his wings I will find refuge;
his faithfulness will be my shield and rampart.
I will not fear the terror of night,
nor the arrow that flies by day,
nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness,
nor the plague that destroys at midday.

If you make the Most High your dwelling—
even the LORD, who is my refuge-
then no harm will befall you,
no disaster will come near your tent.
“Because she loves me,” says the LORD, “I will rescue her;
I will protect her, for she acknowledges my name.
She will call upon me, and I will answer her;
I will be with her in trouble,
I will deliver her and honor her.
With long life will I satisfy her
and show her my salvation.”

Remembering Those Who Fight For Our Freedoms

2009-05-25T08:22:00.000-07:00

Today is Memorial Day and as such I would like to take the time to remember Major Alan Rogers. As you may not know, Alan was killed in Iraq by an IED on January 27, 2008. According to his commander, he shielded two others from the blast, who likely would have been killed were it not for Alan’s bravery. Alan was laid to rest at Arlington National Cemetery on March 14th, 2008, in the presence of more than two hundred grieving but proud friends, fellow soldiers, and family members.
Why do I want us to remember Major Alan Rogers? I did not personally know this brave man but I would have liked to.

Someone who did know Major Rogers, Sharon Alexander of the Gay Military Times, said this last year in a loving tribute to her friend:

"Why does it matter? Why should anyone need to know that Alan Rogers, an American patriot who died doing what he loved most – serving our country – also happened to be gay?

It matters because in our country the law says that gay people who want to serve in our nation’s Armed Forces have to conceal their identity for the privilege of doing so. And as a result, thousands of very good, fair, and decent straight service members have no idea how many of the phenomenal people they work with every day also happen to be gay. This invisibility creates an environment of complacency about “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” and what it requires of gay Americans in uniform. And change does not happen in an environment of complacency.

This part of Alan’s story is important because Alan can put a face on gay service members in his death, even if he couldn’t during his life. Alan was by every metric an utterly superb Army officer. He gave his life for our country, and saved two other lives in the course of sacrificing his own. He also happened to be gay. So why do we have a law in this country that makes Alan’s life less worthy than any other? Why should Alan have had to sacrifice the freedom to live honestly among his military peers, to date and maybe even find someone special enough to spend his life with? Why did he have to give so much more as a privilege of serving our country? These are the questions Alan’s life and death pose for all of us."

There are thousands of Gays and Lesbians serving today in every branch of our armed forces, they serve because they feel what I know I do, that this is the greatest country in the world, and they have chosen to defend it with their lives. Unlike myself, they must continue to hide a part of themselves that is integral to who they are in order to do this.

As a fellow American, proud and loyal to this country, I hope Major Allen Rogers and his face will continue to serve this country by encouraging each of us to continue the fight of forcing America and her people to live up to the ideals of "...[T]hat all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights, that among these are life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. "

About Ex-Gay ( or Reparative or Conversion or Aversion) Therapy

2009-05-24T09:44:00.000-07:00

A number of times I have blogged about "Ex-Gay" therapy and I guess you could say I am very, very opposed to it. I am opposed to it so vehemently because for so many years I worked my own "Ex-Gay" Therapy on myself with the help of my one time church and others. It was disastrously unsuccessful.

Finally, thankfully by the grace of God, and I believe through God, I was led out of this lie. In speaking to and reading about others who came to the same realization, it kind of got into my head that this philosophy of the Ex-Gay Industry's that one's true nature can be changed either by prayer, support or aversion therapies was very dangerous to one's general well being, mental health and even physical health, and that only people with lots of hate in their souls could adhere to it.

I have not changed my mind about the therapies, or the industry that has sprung up because of these therapies, they are soul damaging. I have changed a couple of things that I believed about the people who attend the Love Won Out workshops for friends and families of gays. I see now that in the absence of better public knowledge, and because they don't know where else to turn, they are led to these events because they have better publicity. Either in the newspapers or churches. They are better organized in other words.

What changed my mind was the series of articles by Jim Burroway about when he attended a Love Won Out workshop in 2007. I think they are worth reading because like Jim says, it isn't always about the hate we are fighting, maybe we need to reach out with more love ourselves to the families who are hurting too.......

The articles can be accessed at: Box Turtle Bulletin, one of my favorite web sites.

Sometimes, you just gotta say it!

2009-05-21T19:31:00.000-07:00

For your viewing pleasure From the Big Fat Gay Collab!
The Big Fat Gay Collab is a project by StevieBeeBishop on You Tube. He was inspired by the song F*#K You by Lilly Allen who says of her song: "this song is not a direct attack at anyone, it was originally written about the BNP in the UK but then I felt this issue has become relevant pretty much everywhere, we are the youth, we can make coolness for our future, its up to us. Go green and hate hate." ( The BNP is the British National Party, a far right, whites-only political party, hmmmmmmmmm, kinda like the Republican party in the U.S.??? LMAO, except they only recieved .7% of the popular vote.)
The video and song were put together to encourage LGBT youth to just shake off the hate. That is often easier said than done, but I know the video gave me a smile, I hope it gives you one too.
(Warning contains the F word, don't watch if you might be offended)

HOMELESS YOUTH PRIDE WALK 2009

2009-05-17T11:00:00.000-07:00

There is a group of young women who have decided to travel across our nation to point out the growing problem of teen homelessness. In this, the richest country in the world, we have nearly 2 million homeless teenagers. Several recent studies have pointed out that 40% of these teens are LGBTQ. Homeless only because their families reject them because of who they are....

Please visit Homeless Youth Pride Walk 2009 to support this effort, and contact your local shelters to find out what you can do to help.

From their blog:

In May, 2009, Jill Hardman, Nicole Tomlin, and Chloe Michelle Noble are walking across the United States to raise awareness for LGBTQ homeless youth in America. They will set out from Seattle, Washington, traveling 6000 miles (3000 of it on foot) across the United States in over 6 months. They will be living out of their backpacks for most of their journey, which will give them a unique opportunity to document the lives of homeless youth all over the United States. (They will not be using any resources saved for homeless youth.)

"Almost 40% of homeless youth in America identify as LGBTQ. This diverse group of Queer youth has a unique and powerful voice. We want to support them in their progress and give them a platform to stand on. Studies show that many homeless youth who receive appropriate guidance, support, resources, and encouragement, eventually become successful members of the community. By raising awareness we hope to inspire others to make sure more resources are available to homeless youth for this reason." -- Chloe Michelle Noble

cross posted at The Truth About LGBTQ Youth.

The Semester is Over, and of course Oklahoma!

2009-05-14T18:10:00.000-07:00

Finally the semester from hell is OVER!!! And I seem to have passed everything! There was some doubt on one of my classes, maybe two of them but somehow I pulled them through PHEW.

I know I have whined a little about it, and even used it as an excuse for not blogging nearly enough, however I have no excuses for the summer so I need to make up for things.
During finals, as you know, I flew to Oklahoma to be with My Love and I know I needed that! And I know Lorrie did too! I think being with Lorrie let me pass Algebra, yeah, Algebra, LOL. Anyway I had been way too stressed about it and it was good to relax before the final because I got through it.

Oklahoma was a lot of fun, of course Lorrie and I were together and we can bear anything as long as we are together. My sister and Roy are great hosts, I ditto what Lorrie said there. It rained most of the time we were there, so the itinerary was off, yes Virginia, there is a God!! LOL, OK, I don't want to hurt Kathy's feelings but just hanging out with them, seeing the town and their property was exactly what we needed. I think I may have mentioned before that Lorrie is the absolute love of my life and that every moment with her is just wonderful, no matter what we are doing. When we are together, I am always at peace and whole.

We behaved in public and so everything was fine. It did feel weird to remember not to hold her hand or give her a quick kiss as we were walking around, but we managed. At least at dinner I could gaze into her eyes while we talked! And my sister's back patio and yard is wonderfully landscaped so that it is very private, we could hold hands while we sat there and talked with Kathy and Roy. I really enjoyed walking around Stillwater and seeing the campus and my sister's office, I have always been proud of her and now I can picture her working there.
That's Lorrie with Joy and Roy with Sunny and Biko on OSU campus--->

We had some rather strange meetings with some folks though. When we got back to the hotel after going out for some Italian, we met a rather drunk "gentleman" at the elevator who after he got in, saw a friend headed towards us, and proudly informed us that his friend had a 12 inch c%#k! LMAO. The big 12 incher then got on the elevator with us and we rode up listening to the drunk ramblings of the first guy, I can't remember what else he said because well, I was soooooooooooo tempted to say that mine was only 9" but thought better of it at the last moment. I think Lorrie would have been mortified! (She may be mortified I just blogged that) LOL! We ended up not saying anything at all because well, frankly, we didn't really care! But we died laughing when we got back in the room.

I learned that most Oklahomans drink iced or hot tea, not coffee, Kathy proudly showed us their new Starbucks, first in the town, and brand spankin' new! Wow! 2009 and they just got their first Starbucks!!! If you looked at one of the quizzes you saw I am a coffee drinker. I do indeed drink it from morning till night. Now if you go to Oklahoma or Stillwater at least and you order coffee they bring you a cup of it. Then you have to ask for the cream to go with it, then if you want a re-fill you have to ask for it, every-single-time. At first I thought the wait staff just wasn't very good, but I realized that wasn't it at all. Lorrie, the tea drinker, had an endless supply of re-fills, whether she wanted them or not! It was just that they aren't used to us coffee drinkers at all and don't know how to treat us. Kathy confirmed this fact later on. Roy had to dig her percolator out of the attic for me. (That man is a saint!)

One of the things that Lorrie and I did before we went, was a web search for a local LGBT bar. And we discovered there wasn't one. There is a bar called the Stonewall Inn (after the Civil War General Stonewall Jackson, not Stonewall 1969, NY City) The review said that while it wasn't a "gay" bar, it was the only one that was accepting. So when Kathy and Roy wanted to show us the night life, we asked them if they knew about the Stonewall. They did. Roy plays Foosball there often it seems! And he is really really good at it too. So Monday night, because Saturday night was Lorrie and mine "alone", and all bars and liquor stores are closed on Sunday.......we went Monday night. And as Lorrie said, we played table shuffleboard and Foosball. I had the good fortune to have Roy as my teammate in Foosball and we beat the hell out of Lorrie and Kathy!!! Has Lorrie ever mentioned the competitor in HER? LOL. God it felt good to finally win against her! Whoops! (Oh Baby! I love the competitor in you!)

After a number of beers, I felt nature call. When I came out of the stall, I was greeted by this young, blond, perky, co-ed, She said HOWDY!!!! I said HI! (big mistake) LOL. As I was washing my hands this young lady started talking to me. She told me she was from Colorado and her parents sent her to OSU because it was conservative. They wanted her to be influenced by good conservative people. She was telling me all about this misery she felt and she kept getting close and talking to me very close, she was making me very, verrrrrrrrry nervous! It seemed like she was going to kiss me in the Stonewall bathroom! Sorry, I ONLY kiss Lorrie in the bathrooms of bars, airports and restaurants!

So in my glorious panicked state, I suggested she come meet my sister, brother-in-law and my GIRLFRIEND. I really wanted out of there badly. She said great! Let's go. Her name was Stephanie. As we approached the table, all I could see was LORRIE!!!!!! And this LOOK on her face!!! I needed a Southwest ding, and I needed it 20 minutes ago!!! I don't remember much, all I could think in my head was, "I didn't do anything, don't kill me Baby, strays just always follow me home"...but I KNOW I introduced her to my sister and Roy and MY GIRLFRIEND!

Once she met everyone, I sat next to (nearly on top of) Lorrie, and held on to her hand. For dear life! I almost fell out of my chair when Stephanie told us she was horny and had a dildo and asked me if I was a lesbian. Then she laid a big sloppy kiss ON LORRIE, never knowing how close she came to being slapped!!! Salvador Dali himself could not have painted how I was feeling at that moment. Fortunately she REALLY LIKED my sister. Somehow she got my sister to go to the bathroom with her and grabbed her breast! My sister ran out of there, and Stephanie followed her back!

You know I am making light here, but really it was very sad. Stephanie was very very drunk, she hated that she was in OK, she hated Stillwater and she was mad at her parents because she felt they just didn't want her, and she was literally offering sex to strangers so they would buy her shots. (later on rather blatantly) I did buy one round, but in no way shape or form wanted sex with her and was very sorry when she ordered SOCO's, yeck, and then I was even sorrier she didn't just pass out afterwards. That would have been merciful.

The night just kept getting weirder when her boyfriend (just where had he been this whole time?) came along and wanted to get friendly with Lorrie and I and kept hugging me. The evening ended with Stephanie offering to blow Roy for a couple of shots (YES REALLY!) and after that one, the four of us literally RAN out of the bar!!!!!!!!!! 20 years in Nevada, nor any other time in my life, I have never had a night, nor met anyone like that!!! While really weird and maybe even funny, Stephanie was the saddest girl I had ever met. I hope her parents let her come back to Colorado. Their intentions may have been good, but we all know where good intentions lead.....

I can't say much more than that. It is wonderful to be with Lorrie no matter where we are. I love her beyondly, and can't wait until next year!!!!! Oh, and don't ever say Hi or Howdy to me in a bathroom, I just won't answer back........

More than OK in OK

2009-05-08T18:36:00.000-07:00

Stressful getting there.
Finally got there on Saturday.
No luggage until Monday!
Drove my Mazda 3 rental through the pouring rain as fast as I could to get to Stillwater (where Rebecca was staying with her sister)!
My Honey met me at the end of the driveway, hopped in the car so we could greet each other properly!
Met Kathy and Roy. They are wonderful hosts and wonderful cooks! Their three dogs are so adorable, loved them!
Had amazing home cooked mexican food for lunch while trying to remain patient and not attack Rebecca at the lunch table, lol!
We quickly gathered up Rebecca's luggage from the guest room...after making out for a little..and then headed off to check into the hotel!
We made it to the room.
*************

(I need to find some lesbian emoticons!)

you know....more...and more...and more...never enough!!!

Sometime that night we made it back out of the room to get a bite to eat.
Ahhhhhhhhhhhh....very relaxed...full of smiles!

Sunday morning...brunch at Kathy and Roy's..again it was wonderful and so very filling.
Followed by a walk around OSU, a chance to talk and get to know each other.
A drive out to their 25 acre lot soon to be their new home!
A chance to get to know the ticks and the chiggers, lol!I'll let Rebecca explain that one!

Back to the hotel for more alone time!!!!!!!!

Speechless!!!!!!!

Waking up in the morning with Rebecca!

Wowwwwwwwww!!! The best way to wake up ever!!!!!!!

Speechless now...but we weren't then!!!!!!

Oh..my luggage finally shows up. Good thing, things were getting pretty close to being smelly!Lunch at the Crepe Myrtle....yummy!
Kathy and Roy joined us.
Good conversation.I loved watching Rebecca converse with her sister; I even learned a few things, lol...all good of course Baby!I can see your family is way more into debating all the issues than mine ever was. I found it interesting. I have a lot to learn from you and your family!
More walking around Stillwater.
Free coffee and chai tea. A previous customer was "passing on the good". After somebody had purchased some groceries for her (I think it was groceries, right Baby?), she decided to buy coffee and tea for others! I've never had that happen to me before.Thank You!

Back to the hotel room....yeah I know...you heard it before!
:):):):):):):))

Italian night at Kathy and Roys.
We rolled our own pasta. I loved it, loved doing it and loved eating it.
I even ordered a pasta roller when I got home to do with the kids!
Started watching a movie. I fell asleep on the floor next to Rebecca. Sorry about that but a full belly and a few glasses of wine will do that to me everytime!
Oh..but did I mention the mat on the floor was way more comfortable than the mattress in the hotel!It was almost as hard as a rock. But it only bothered us when we were laying still...trying to sleep. I guess that was the problem Baby, why were we trying to sleep???

Then off to the Stonewall, a bar close to OSU.
Good drinks. Table shuffleboard. Foosball, boy do I suck! More good drinks. Good conversation.
And then Stephanie (a whole other story,and a sad one at that).
A Fun night!

Back to the hotel room!!!!! Trying not to think about the fact that we had to go home the next day.Believe me, we made the best of it...and the best of the next morning!I miss my mornings with Rebecca every morning, how wonderful it is to wake up with her!

Lunch at Eskimo Joes. The food was good. Kathy and Roy were able to join us again.
I suffered a brain fart and should have paid for their lunch. Must have been that mesmerizing red button up shirt Rebeccawas wearing showing off her cleavage! Sorry Kathy and Roy, I will do better next time!

Then...it was back to the airport...hoping the whole time that our flights were delayed! No luck
:( We said our good byes:(
Baby, I am glad we decided to use that bathroom!!!

It has only been a little over three days and it seems like over three weeks!!!!!!!! I miss you Baby! A good time was had by all!!!!! I am so happy that I was able to meet and get to know Rebecca's sister and brother-in-law.

A Great Time In Oklahoma!

2009-05-05T20:57:00.000-07:00

Lorrie finally made it to Oklahoma!!! LOL Saturday around 1pm!!!!!!! OMG I thought those 15 extra hours were going to kill me and Lorrie too.......she did finally make it into town and we had a great time. My sister and brother-in-law drove out to Oklahoma City and picked me up Friday since Lorrie wasn't going to be there and I spent the night at their house. It was wonderful to see them again and we had a great time talking and catching up. It is the first time I had been to their place and it is adorable. We also went out to their 25 acres where they are getting ready to build their dream house.
Both of them are fantastic cooks, he made the most amazing Mexican and Italian food and my sister baked like crazy for us. She made me this homemade chocolate cake from scratch that was to die for and these little loaf cakes too. I feel like I gained 10 pounds!
I just got home, so we will have to blog more about this later.
I feel much better after spending time with Lorrie of course~and should be less cranky for a little while............

Very Frustrated

2009-05-01T18:35:00.000-07:00

I'm supposed to be in Oklahoma City with Rebecca tonight....but all flights to the mid west were delayed so I am still in Phila. UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I will try again tomorrow morning. Wish me luck!
The countdown continues........

Counting down the seconds.........

2009-04-30T06:27:00.000-07:00

37 hours......

We added the countdown clock over on the right as a fun way to mark the time until we are physically together. I also have one on all my desktops, even here at work....LOL, how distracting! Like I really need a reminder of when I will be with Lorrie again. I don't, trust me, but then I am a dork, and a geek and Lorrie really really loves me anyway.

Lorrie is simply amazing. She is intelligent, loving, kind, patient, sexy, beautiful, the best lover in the world, passionate, sexy, fun, funny and did I say very, very sexy?

The past 3 months have been way too long for me, and Lorrie too....I am glad we only have to wait another year! But right now, I am very, very glad we only have 37 hours until we are together!!!

What's on My Mind

2009-04-29T19:40:00.000-07:00

Is it Friday night yet?
I need to do laundry.
I can't wait to see Rebecca!
I need to figure out what to pack.
I want to be touching her so much!
Should I wear a mask on the plane...I don't want to be sick when I 'm with Rebecca.
I can't wait to be holding her!
Is it Friday night yet?
I need to make sure my daughter has everything she needs for the dance on Friday night.
I need to make sure the h knows all of the comings and goings of the kids this weekend.
I NEED to make love to Rebecca!!
Is it Friday night yet?
I need to finish some things up at work before Friday afternoon.
What should I make for dinner tomorrow night...oh hell, we'll just eat out!
I need to be doing that to Rebecca!!! YESSSSSSS!!
Is it Friday night yet?
I need to clean up the kitchen.
I need to go to bed.
I need to be in bed with Rebecca!!
Is it Friday night yet?
Should I check my luggage or just carry on?
Oh hell, who cares what I pack...do I need clothes anyway!
Sex with Rebecca is AMAZING!!
Is it Friday night yet?
IS IT FRIDAY NIGHT YET???????
I CAN'T WAIT!!!

This Semester is Almost Over....And I Have Been Thinking...Again...

2009-04-24T15:59:00.000-07:00

And it can't end soon enough!!! I over loaded my schedule and then work started requiring OT and Saturdays too! County libraries do not seem to be having too many financial troubles this year damn it.

This Friday, Lorrie and I are traveling to my little sister's place, I just got an email from her with an itinerary, OMG NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I have told her several times we just want to visit and relax, but she seems bound and determined to force us to see Oklahoma. Sigh. I think Lorrie's and my patience will be sorely tested. At least we aren't driving out to her place the first night, we will stay near the airport. We need that "re-connecting" time, we sure do, we so very much do, WE SVFGDMUCH DO!!!!!!!!!! sooooo......can we change our plane reservations to say, maybe, Chicago??? What do you think Baby?? LOL.

I love my little sister very much and she is very excited to be meeting Lorrie and all, I guess we can't disappoint her...I guess.....after all she was the first family member, after the ex and my boys, I came out to and she has always been very, very, very supportive and happy for me.

She and I are really only a year apart, and most of the time growing up it felt like we were not just sisters but twins. Still, I used to pay her a dollar sometimes NOT to hang out with my friends and I, when she was pesty sometimes, (Gawd I was a mean sister!) but my friends were her friends too as hers were mine also. She would come find us after about an hour anyway, and I didn't always have another dollar, LOL.

I wish my sister lived in another state, traveling to the South right now doesn't feel so comfortable. Lorrie and I have become used to holding hands in public without much thought, we've stayed here in Reno or Philly or gone to cities that are more forward thinking. My sister isn't sure what we may encounter if we were to do that there, she said probably just name calling, no violence. It is a college town at least, but we won't hold hands just to be safe.

What a thought, that here, in the United States, we have to monitor our natural feelings of love and affection for each other to avoid verbal or even physical abuse.

I have read some comments about LGBT activists lately, they say that we just want to push our lifestyle on other people. They wouldn't hurt so much but they have been written by LGBT people themselves. I really don't care if someone doesn't wish to advocate for equal rights. We are after all a large group of people who believe most of the bad that is said about us. I have found many in the community just want things to quiet down and quit drawing attention to ourselves. If we didn't believe the bad, we would have made a bigger noise in the early 70's after Stonewall and Anita Bryant, Jerry Falwell and Pat Robertson began the Anti-Gay Industry. We believe it because that is how we were raised, it is deeply ingrained.

But advocating for every human being's equal rights is something I do. I have for most of my life. It hasn't always been LGBT rights, it had been for every ethnic minority, every disabled person and every woman. It is LGBT rights right now, because this time it is the most personal.

Why do I fight for human rights? I seem to have been born with, or very early on developed, something in me that finds injustice of any kind offensive. Really offensive. See, I believe all human beings are born free and equal in dignity and rights. They are endowed with reason and conscience and should act towards one another in a spirit of brotherhood. I do not seek a Utopia, I don't believe they exist. But I do believe that when the majority of people treat each other as they themselves wish to be treated, then we can have a better, if not perfect world.

That LGBT people are discriminated against, in their day to day lives, within the courts, within their places of employment and in housing, is injustice of the worst kind. Life isn't always fair, but we should always strive to make it JUST. After all, don't we talk about judgment day? In the end, justice will always be served.

I do not seek anything at all for LGBT persons except freedom from fear, the freedom to live where we want, the freedom to work where we want, the freedom to choose as my heir the person I love, but most of all, I fight for the freedom to love fully and completely whom my heart has chosen.

I fight because I have hope that people will become more accepting, I hope because then the next generation of LGBT youth may not have to hate themselves so much, that women like me do not take such drastic measures to deny who they are so that their family will love them. I have hope that no more men, women and children will be hurt and families torn apart because we married so we could become more acceptable to society as a whole, but then found that life utterly unbearable. I hope we are more accepted so that gay men, lesbian women, bi-sexuals and transgender folks are no longer called names, beaten and murdered.

I fight because right now, our society has made being gay so evil, so wretched, that two boys, from two different cities, recently committed suicide because their school peers kept calling them gay. These boys did not identify as gay, they were both 11, they both believed being called gay was so bad, so awful they no longer wished to live.

You don't have to fight for your rights, there will always be people that will do it for you, I don't have to fight either, there will always be someone else. I just need to, it is who I am. I like who I am.

Spring in PA

2009-04-21T14:41:00.000-07:00

I love this time of year.........

Day Of Silence: April 17, 2009

2009-04-17T08:59:00.000-07:00

The National Day of Silence brings attention to anti-LGBT name-calling, bullying and harassment in schools. Each year the event has grown, now with hundreds of thousands of students coming together to encourage schools and classmates to address the problem of anti-LGBT behavior.

All material on this post was taken from GLSEN website to promote the Day Of Silence.

The History of the Day of Silence®Founded in 1996, the Day of Silence has become the largest single student-led action towards creating safer schools for all, regardless of sexual orientation, gender identity or gender expression. From the first-ever Day of Silence at the University of Virginia in 1996, to the organizing efforts in over 8,000 middle schools, high schools, colleges and universities across the country in 2008, its textured history reflects its diversity in both numbers and reach.
The Truth about the Day of SilenceEvery year, more and more students participate in the Day of Silence, which began 12 years ago when University of Virginia students wanted to find a way to bring attention to anti-LGBT name-calling, bullying and harassment on campus.As the day’s popularity and exposure have increased, many misperceptions have spread about what the Day of Silence is, why the day exists and what participating in it means. Here are 4 truths that address common misinformation about the Day of Silence.

1) The Day of Silence’s purpose is to
bring attention to anti-LGBT name-calling, bullying and harassment and effective
responses.The goal of the Day of Silence is to make schools safer for all
students, regardless of sexual orientation and gender identity/expression. In a
Harris Interactive study on bullying, students said two of the top three reasons
students are harassed in school are actual or perceived sexual orientation and
gender expression. Additionally, 4 out of 5 LGBT students experience harassment
at school.Students across the country participate in the Day of Silence to bring
attention to this problem, let students who experience such bullying know that
they are not alone and ask schools to take action to address the problem.
2) Hundreds of thousands of students of all beliefs, backgrounds and sexual
orientations participate in the Day of Silence.Anti-LGBT bullying and harassment
affects all students. Slurs such as “faggot” and “dyke” are commonplace in
school. The Day of Silence is an example of students, from middle school to
college, working together proactively to bring attention to the anti-LGBT
name-calling, bullying and harassment experienced by LGBT and straight students
alike. GLSEN, the Day of Silence’s organizational sponsor, encourages
participants to be counted by registering at www.dayofsilence.org.Students from
nearly 5,000 middle and high schools registered for the 2007 Day of Silence.
GLSEN protects the privacy of students and does not publish a list of students
who have registered or their schools. Many students who participate also belong
to Gay-Straight Alliance student clubs, of which nearly 4,000 are registered
with GLSEN. The first GSA was created by a straight student nearly 20 years ago,
in the fall of 1988.
3) Day of Silence participants encourage schools to implement proven
solutions to address anti-LGBT name-calling, bullying and harassment.

Adopt and implement a comprehensive anti-bullying policy that enumerates categories such as race, gender, ethnicity, religion, sexual orientation and gender expression/identity.
Provide staff trainings to enable school staff to identify and address anti-LGBT name-calling, bullying and harassment effectively and in a timely manner.
Support student efforts to address anti-LGBT bullying and harassment on campus, such as the formation of a Gay-Straight Alliance.
Institute age-appropriate, factually accurate and inclusive curricula to help students understand and respect difference within the school community and society as a whole.4) The day is a positive educational experience.The Day of Silence is an opportunity for students to work toward improving school climate for all students. GLSEN advises students interested in participating to discuss their intentions with their administration and teachers long before the event.The day is most successful when schools and students work together to show their commitment to ensuring safe schools for all students. Many schools allow students’ participation throughout the day. Some schools ask students to speak as they normally would during class and remain silent during breaks and at lunch. There is no single way to participate, and students are encouraged to take part in the way that is the most positive and uplifting for their school.
For the latest GLSEN findings about anti-LGBT bullying and harassment and the school experience go to: www.glsen.org/research

Lorrie's Ramblings

2009-04-14T20:41:00.000-07:00

I took the day off yesterday. A day all to myself!!! I didn’t tell anybody I was taking off. The kids got up and went off to school. The H went off to work. I got up and showered and dressed as if I was going to work and after the bus left went back in the house and began MY DAY!!
It was wonderful. I didn’t do anything except for things for ME! Watched a movie, went shopping, went out for lunch, listened to my IPOD and enjoyed my alone time! We all need these days and should be sure to enjoy them from time to time!

I really enjoyed Clever Creative’s blog yesterday about sex with GG! Wow, how it made me really really miss Rebecca. Sex with Rebecca is (referring to one of my past blogs) SVFGDAmazing!!!!!!!!!! But what I think said the most on CCT’s blog were the blank lines…she is left speechless when with GG. I can never find the words to describe how wonderful I feel when with Rebecca. WOWWWWWWWWW!!!

So today I was back to work and my regular routine, at least it was a busy day at work and went by quickly. I did have the pleasure tonight of driving my daughter and 4 of her friends around. What an eye opening car ride, listening to 5 fifteen year olds talk about boys and going to the formal and what is going on between this boy and that girl. It was all I could do at one point not to hyperventilate, LOL. I did think about telling them to stick with their girlfriends, they will be much happier in the long run…but of course I didn’t. I have been lucky to this point as my daughter has been so busy with lacrosse and field hockey and her love for the Jonas Brothers that there isn’t much time left over for those “regular” boys! I’m thinking maybe I should keep a paper bag handy for the next car ride with the girls!

Really all I am doing these days is counting down the days until I am going to be with Rebecca again….17 days!!! I CAN’T WAIT!!!

Happy Easter!!!

2009-04-12T08:19:00.001-07:00

May Your Day Be Filled With Love and Chocolate!

Rainy Daydreams

2009-04-10T09:35:00.000-07:00

It's raining today in Reno, on days like this I can't help wishing that Lorrie was here and we could have the whole day to ourselves. In my daydream, we are all snuggled up under the covers, skin to skin.

When I close my eyes, I can really feel her next to me, I imagine we haven't gotten out of bed yet and it is 10:30 already. I can feel her warmth next to mine, her breath on my neck and her fingers lightly running through my hair... I love the way her breasts rise and fall against my cheek and I can feel her heartbeat, my own fingers gliding along her back.

When we are like this, all intertwined , happy and content, I don't know, nor do I care, where I end and she starts, we are one, completed and whole.
My heart bursts with love for her and tears form in my eyes. I have to look up at her just to make sure it isn't all a dream. She smiles at me, maybe thinking the same things I am.

When I look into her eyes and see her love there, I thank God for giving me such a wonderous gift. I really don't deserve her and am awed that she is in my life.